meh
ok, so I'm only posting this because it is in fact what livejournal is for.
ranting, crying, moping, you know, the usual.
So if you don't care or don't want to know, just stop reading ok?
I'm depressed, yet again.
and I know it's stupid and ridiculous.
but I can't help it.
I thought I had gotten over being such a baby about everything.
I don't want a boyfriend, but being ignored isn't what I want either.
Plainly put, I'm jealous.
Not over a person, I'm not laying claim to anyone,
but over the attention others get that I don't.
I know it's silly, but I see April being the great, wonderful person that she is,
and start getting jealous.
I don't mind sharing the boys I know with her,
I love her more than any of them.
But it hurts when they flock to her and forget about me.
I know (most of them) still care about me in some way, even only recreationally.
But they fall in love with April.
How can I blame them?
I love her, why shouldn't everyone else.
But I start quickly feeling left out.
And then the worst part starts.
Why should anyone care about me?
I start questioning my self-worth endlessly.
I cry because I can't figure out anything that great about myself.
You can't love others if you don't love yourself.
And I don't.
I don't even like myself very much.
What's great or exceptional about me?
Nothing.
I'm mediocre at eveything I do.
I'm only slightly better at backrubs.
Everything I do, someone can do better.
I'm useless.
I'm not even very pretty anymore.
:/
Yeah, sure I'm ok sometimes, but not as often as I like.
I suck at school.
I can't handle relationships.
I can't keep friends.
I'm too easy.
I don't even enjoy sex most of the time.
I'm depressing.
I'm indecisive.
I get angry easily over stupid things,
while forgiving big things with no problem.
I spend weeks hating people and wanting to be left alone,
and then the next thing you know,
I'm depressed because people are leaving me alone.
I can't decide what I want
or who I want.
I'm miserable except for the moments when I'm happy.
I spend time just crying for no real reason.
I see people acting all cute and loving,
and I have to be careful not to burst into tears.
I sit by myself, because being too close to them hurts.
I used to like myself no matter how I was.
I used to be happy with my nose stuck in a book.
I used to be able to imagine happiness.
I've lost it somewhere.
My ability to dream.
I've lost the only happiness I know.
ranting, crying, moping, you know, the usual.
So if you don't care or don't want to know, just stop reading ok?
I'm depressed, yet again.
and I know it's stupid and ridiculous.
but I can't help it.
I thought I had gotten over being such a baby about everything.
I don't want a boyfriend, but being ignored isn't what I want either.
Plainly put, I'm jealous.
Not over a person, I'm not laying claim to anyone,
but over the attention others get that I don't.
I know it's silly, but I see April being the great, wonderful person that she is,
and start getting jealous.
I don't mind sharing the boys I know with her,
I love her more than any of them.
But it hurts when they flock to her and forget about me.
I know (most of them) still care about me in some way, even only recreationally.
But they fall in love with April.
How can I blame them?
I love her, why shouldn't everyone else.
But I start quickly feeling left out.
And then the worst part starts.
Why should anyone care about me?
I start questioning my self-worth endlessly.
I cry because I can't figure out anything that great about myself.
You can't love others if you don't love yourself.
And I don't.
I don't even like myself very much.
What's great or exceptional about me?
Nothing.
I'm mediocre at eveything I do.
I'm only slightly better at backrubs.
Everything I do, someone can do better.
I'm useless.
I'm not even very pretty anymore.
:/
Yeah, sure I'm ok sometimes, but not as often as I like.
I suck at school.
I can't handle relationships.
I can't keep friends.
I'm too easy.
I don't even enjoy sex most of the time.
I'm depressing.
I'm indecisive.
I get angry easily over stupid things,
while forgiving big things with no problem.
I spend weeks hating people and wanting to be left alone,
and then the next thing you know,
I'm depressed because people are leaving me alone.
I can't decide what I want
or who I want.
I'm miserable except for the moments when I'm happy.
I spend time just crying for no real reason.
I see people acting all cute and loving,
and I have to be careful not to burst into tears.
I sit by myself, because being too close to them hurts.
I used to like myself no matter how I was.
I used to be happy with my nose stuck in a book.
I used to be able to imagine happiness.
I've lost it somewhere.
My ability to dream.
I've lost the only happiness I know.