(no subject)
Somebody shoot me
Before I remember to fight back.
I'm not a happy panda.
Then again, I'm doing better than I used to be.
I don't know.
Apathy's evil.
Or it would be if I could make myself care about it enough.
I just want to sit in my room and do nothing.
Maybe play video games.
Maybe read.
Maybe get online and look at shiny things.
But I don't really want to interact with people.
I don't want to go outside.
I don't want to talk on the phone.
I don't want to talk online.
I don't want to find a job.
I don't want to move.
I barely remember to breathe.
I just want to sleep my life away again.
I need a job.
I'm very very close to broke.
I barely have enough for another tank of gas,
then I'm done.
I need a job
but I don't know if I can do it.
I got my bartending license today.
I can now legally serve alcohol.
yay.
Except that I don't want to be a bartender at the moment.
Too many people.
All wanting something.
All talking.
All demanding.
I want a nice safe job sitting at a computer.
Where I only have to talk to someone once every hour or so.
Where I can sit there, and type and not think about anything else.
My birthday's in September.
It's coming up,
but I forget about it all the time.
Who forgets about their own birthday?
Only me.
I'm half scared that no one will even remember.
That no one will wish me happy birthday.
That no one will want to spend time with me.
That's the real joy of presents you know.
Proof that someone else realizes you exist.
That they think about you, more than just when you're there.
But here I am, not wanting to talk to anyone,
yet feeling lonely.
How stupid is that?
It's my own fault.
I could call someone....
but I can't make myself think that's a good plan.
I want someone to come over,
hug me and tell me that everything's ok.
But at the same time I just want everyone to stay away.
If they don't I'll hurt them.
I won't mean to, but I start lashing out because I'm unhappy.
I was doing that the other day on the phone.
Talking to someone I talk to every day.
Yet I just wanted him to shut up and go away.
I wanted to close myself in my little world again.
It's stupid.
Life's stupid.
Or maybe it's just me.
Before I remember to fight back.
I'm not a happy panda.
Then again, I'm doing better than I used to be.
I don't know.
Apathy's evil.
Or it would be if I could make myself care about it enough.
I just want to sit in my room and do nothing.
Maybe play video games.
Maybe read.
Maybe get online and look at shiny things.
But I don't really want to interact with people.
I don't want to go outside.
I don't want to talk on the phone.
I don't want to talk online.
I don't want to find a job.
I don't want to move.
I barely remember to breathe.
I just want to sleep my life away again.
I need a job.
I'm very very close to broke.
I barely have enough for another tank of gas,
then I'm done.
I need a job
but I don't know if I can do it.
I got my bartending license today.
I can now legally serve alcohol.
yay.
Except that I don't want to be a bartender at the moment.
Too many people.
All wanting something.
All talking.
All demanding.
I want a nice safe job sitting at a computer.
Where I only have to talk to someone once every hour or so.
Where I can sit there, and type and not think about anything else.
My birthday's in September.
It's coming up,
but I forget about it all the time.
Who forgets about their own birthday?
Only me.
I'm half scared that no one will even remember.
That no one will wish me happy birthday.
That no one will want to spend time with me.
That's the real joy of presents you know.
Proof that someone else realizes you exist.
That they think about you, more than just when you're there.
But here I am, not wanting to talk to anyone,
yet feeling lonely.
How stupid is that?
It's my own fault.
I could call someone....
but I can't make myself think that's a good plan.
I want someone to come over,
hug me and tell me that everything's ok.
But at the same time I just want everyone to stay away.
If they don't I'll hurt them.
I won't mean to, but I start lashing out because I'm unhappy.
I was doing that the other day on the phone.
Talking to someone I talk to every day.
Yet I just wanted him to shut up and go away.
I wanted to close myself in my little world again.
It's stupid.
Life's stupid.
Or maybe it's just me.