Love Letters
Dear Hayden
This is one those brilliant ideas i have had that prevents me from actually texting/emailing/calling/messaging on FB where you are likely to ignore/avoid me because you're flat out busy, and I'm being a pain in the neck.
I miss you. A lot. And its beginning to slowly tear me apart.
I am really enjoying most of the time we've been spending together. I really look forward to the hugs I get from you when I see you. Not so thrilled about the other women you have a tendency to mention. I'm not sure if you realize how jealous it makes me, or the feeling of dread I get as I realize that I may actually never get you back. And I'm really not impressed with Bella, but given the situation, I think the feeling is mutual. =)
I want to make amends for what I have done over the last 12 years, but I am not the only one to blame for our less than perfect attempts at a relationship. Neither of us had any idea what we were doing in our teen years, and if you can claim ignorance for lying to me about previous sexual exploits, then you can no longer keep bringing up what I did at that time. Because I remember the conversation quite clearly, even if you don't, and you denied having slept with anyone despite what your friends believed about your relationship with Angel. You already know how much I regret what I did at Tafe. There are no excuses for that, and very few reasons that we have already talked about on occasion. And I really wish you had told me you had feelings for me before I moved to Sydney. I don't know if it would have changed anything, I know I was scared of your Mum then too. And ultimately I moved away to escape my past, hoping it would make me feel better and I could have a fresh start. Turns out my past likes to travel too. -_-
A little while ago, before this all went to hell, you told me that when you were with me you were the most content you have been in a long time. I want that for you again, even if its not with me. But if you still feel like that when you're around me, I really want to give this another go. If you still have feelings for me, I want to see if we can make this work. As adults, knowing where we stuffed up and working together instead of going in different
directions. However, if those feelings no longer exist, then that's OK and I'll walk away from my fanciful ideas and keep the wonderful friendship I am lucky to have with you. Heaven knows you're not the first man in my life I've had to move on from. I just don't want to, that's all. I like how I feel with you, and I'm sick to death of looking for that when my relationships fall apart.
Do you remember me telling you that I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed kissing you, the night we were making out on the couch in your lounge? I really meant that. It surprised me when I realized. It was like being home, being back where I really belonged. Everything felt right during those couple of months we were kind of seeing each other. It may be my selective memory, but I don't remember feeling like that during the last 10 years, I don't ever remember
feeling like being back home with anyone else.
I really do love you. But real love is a decision, not entirely a feeling. And if you've decided you can't love me then I'll have to decide to let you go.
I don't want to do that.
Robyn xxoo
In other news, Lindsey is incredibly young, so we're going to leave that right alone!
Totally exhausted, thinking of going to bed when Maddi does, once I've eaten ice cream and planned my CRE lesson for tomorrow.
Hell, I want cuddles now!!
xxoo