Re-living the past.
For the last couple of days I've been going back through all my posts on here and someone elses. I should have been asleep 2 hours ago, but personal torment is so much more fun.
I've come to realised that:
a) I was a complete bitch when I was younger. I'm hoping I have changed somewhat.
b) He didn't say nearly as much bad stuff about me as he should have. Or else he deleted it over the years, although I can't see why he would do that.
c) I sure as Heaven don't deserve any chance of anything from him ever again. But somehow I, even knowing this, I can't get up the strength to walk away this time. Why the hell not? I've done it enough times before.
So I am stuck in a kind of limbo. Being an Empath, I know what he's feeling. And, surprisingly enough, old entries hold old emotions, so I have a shaddow of how he was feeling then too. Which hurt like hell for me, so I can only imagine what it did to him at the time. Compounding the increasing guilt I've been feeling lately. Still not enough to walk away.
My dear one has put up a solid emotional wall that, were it make of real material, would put Fort Knox to shame. One of the things I love about him the most is his open-ness with emotion. Walking into a solid wall, however, is enough to put tears in anyones eyes. So, for the time being, I have to be patient and wait for that wall to come down. If it ever does. Honestly, I couldn't blame him if it didn't.
At some point I got used to getting my own way with men. So it becomes quite a rude shock when you realise that nothing you say or do is going to change the current situation. And there is absolutely nothing I can do that will have any impact what so ever. Except maybe pushing him away for good this time. I have to wait for him to make some kind of move and be flexible enough to go with it. What ever it is. I just hope he realises that I haven't given up. There's just nothing I can do until that wall comes down. If that wall comes down.
I have no idea who's feed this is likely to show up on, or who still uses their LJ account. It might be a shock to some that I am still alive. Might also shock some to know that this one is not the same guy that most of my other self-indulgent posts have been about.
Don't tell me I'm growing up!
I've come to realised that:
a) I was a complete bitch when I was younger. I'm hoping I have changed somewhat.
b) He didn't say nearly as much bad stuff about me as he should have. Or else he deleted it over the years, although I can't see why he would do that.
c) I sure as Heaven don't deserve any chance of anything from him ever again. But somehow I, even knowing this, I can't get up the strength to walk away this time. Why the hell not? I've done it enough times before.
So I am stuck in a kind of limbo. Being an Empath, I know what he's feeling. And, surprisingly enough, old entries hold old emotions, so I have a shaddow of how he was feeling then too. Which hurt like hell for me, so I can only imagine what it did to him at the time. Compounding the increasing guilt I've been feeling lately. Still not enough to walk away.
My dear one has put up a solid emotional wall that, were it make of real material, would put Fort Knox to shame. One of the things I love about him the most is his open-ness with emotion. Walking into a solid wall, however, is enough to put tears in anyones eyes. So, for the time being, I have to be patient and wait for that wall to come down. If it ever does. Honestly, I couldn't blame him if it didn't.
At some point I got used to getting my own way with men. So it becomes quite a rude shock when you realise that nothing you say or do is going to change the current situation. And there is absolutely nothing I can do that will have any impact what so ever. Except maybe pushing him away for good this time. I have to wait for him to make some kind of move and be flexible enough to go with it. What ever it is. I just hope he realises that I haven't given up. There's just nothing I can do until that wall comes down. If that wall comes down.
I have no idea who's feed this is likely to show up on, or who still uses their LJ account. It might be a shock to some that I am still alive. Might also shock some to know that this one is not the same guy that most of my other self-indulgent posts have been about.
Don't tell me I'm growing up!