why am i laughing
i'm invincible for the wrong reasons. i heard why my x and i broke up the other day from a "friend". news to me and mildly amusing because im pretty sure i broke up with him. so upon my "friend" telling me this all i could say was "oh". no witty comment. no automatic fake laugh- because i actually felt emotion. it's been awhile. it had to do with some shitty bold request that i never fulfilled. maybe i didnt want to. the cliche phrase comes to mind: "i never meant to hurt you". those weak words amount to nothing. love and hate are not opposites. hurt is never one way. when will people realize that change is beautiful no matter how dark and mangled it is. in the end its all my fault. its all a perception of reality. i dont walk away for nothing. another sees it as they will. damn my "lack of care". it sickens me how people go with a simple feeling of attraction and immediately want to trap it with those three words: i love you. its a sick-vile-inquitous-repulsive-obnoxious-sleazy-nefarious display of fear. im not a cold person. on the contrary by staying honest and real it shows more respect for a person. whats the point if nobody desearves that respect. people dont want truth. a fucking cop out. why in hell would i want to describe a feeling of such enormous truth and raw power with a fucking cliche? i wouldnt. and i wont. call it cold. call me "scared". the irony is this: i will actually not let the natural human fear of being alone push me into hallmark phrases and disney wishes. more bad news from the doctor. why am i laughing. i think i need a hug.