1st Journal Entry
This is my 1st journal entry on LiveJournal. The beginning. A new way of viewing myself and the world, I hope. This year has been quite a journey for me. It was almost exactly a year ago that I let go of a secret that I had kept for thirty years. Secrets can literally eat you alive. I'm a recovering anorexic, so I should know! I've been aware of my weight since I was seven years old. I was sitting in church, and noticed the spread of each thigh against the hard, wooden pew. The women in my family were constantly on one crazy diet or another. I tucked it all away, like children do, to take out and examine at another time. My parents divorced when I was eight. I had previously been raised in a strict Italian/Catholic family. When my mom left my father, my younger brother and I, along with my mom of course, where disowned by my fathers family. It was quite a shock to suddenly be raised in a single parent household. My mom raised my brother and I on a waitresses salary. I don't know how she did it, but she did! My father moved to another state, so contact was minimal. The summer that I turned eleven, my brother and I spent the summer with my dad and his girlfriend. That summer forever changed who I was and how I saw myself. My dad was using drugs, and we were unsupervised the majority of the time. There were people in and out of the apartment we stayed in, and I ended up being raped by two men late one night while everyone was strung out on drugs. I never told. Until last summer. I had a relapse with the anorexia, and my husband talked me into therapy. I had struggled with the eating disorder since college, but had managed to avoid getting real help. I had never forgotten about the rape, but I tried so hard to bury it deep inside. One night I just blurted it out to my husband. A shock to both of us! He was so supportive and encouraged me to tell my therapist. I've been on a journey ever since. I think that the hardest was telling my mom. I didn't want her to ever blame herself, and I knew that she would. Guilt and blame. I hate them both. Getting past them is so much hard work for all of us, but we are all piecing our lives back together bits at a time. One whole year. I've come a long way.