The Taste of Confusion
The opera was great ....in italian, but none the less, amazing....It was like small three operas in one. The second one was the most beautiful one. I cried at the end. It was about a nun who had a child a long time ago but had to give up the son to become a nun and at the end, she find out her son dies and kills herself so she could be with him.It was really good. The last one was a comedy. But the first one honestly was not that good. Everyone else agreed. I had a really great time. Everyone dressed formal and beautiful. School's been good lately. I took a pre-calculus test yesterday. First one since the report card came. So everything is so vital now. I think I aced it. I'm so proud of myself cause after so many failing grades and hard times grasping the material, I think i did really really well. As for physics, i hate that class and understand nothing in it. The teacher explains nothing and is horrible at his supposed "teaching."
Things between bryan and I ahve gotten better communication wise. Much much better. He's talknig more, acting more like him old self. And I'm sooo glad about that..He makes me so happy...he just tries so hard to make things right and to make me hpapy. He never gives up. As for me, I just don't know what's up with me. I'm moody,and mad all the time, at least just to my grandma ..and I know that it's because I..jsut keep so much anger built up inside that I just don't let out, and sooner or later, I just feel like I'm gonna burst..I think I get it from my dad...he's pretty calm most of the time, but when he gets mad, he becomes a whole nother person, and I don't wanna see my self be like that ... im jsut so fed up with everything that's been going on lately, I'm so tired that I can't even find energy to fight back naymore at my mom or grandma. I'm so emotionally exhausted... I jsut am so tired of all this. Bryan and I spend more time defending our relationship than actually having one. We barely,talk or see eachother... It just sucks so bad.. This might sound bad, but I gotta get this out of my system... but... I know that I told bryan that I'd fight, that I wouldn't give up..but's it's just getting harder and harder to hold on... I lvoe him so much but I'm just so sick of this.. of sneaking around and borrowing ppls cell phones just so that i can hear his voice for like 2 seconds....It sucks... I just can't do this anymore..I don't know how long I can do this for before I just can't anymore...before it kills me. I wanna cry,scream and just shout and pull my hair out all at the same time. This is the time when i really need bryan more than ever now. i really need to know that he needs me in his life...that I'm useful for something and somebody. That i'm not just a screwup like everyone thinks... Maybe I am a screwup.. cause it seems like all the good things in my life keep leaving me... but i just hope that Bryan doesn't end up leaving me...I love him too much.. but i just don't know what's gonna happen or if things really will get better... But I really REALLY need bryan right now. I need to hear him tell me that he needs me. That without me, he'd be just as lost as I would be if I were without him. Those words, those simplethings ppl say to eachother, is the one thing, that is gonna keep me together, and stop me from doing things that I will regret, from doing things that ppl think is best for me. But I won't do it,cause I know that bryan loves me..I just really need him right now to really stick that in my head to keep my thoughts steady and to keep my hope from crumplnig into little pieces....
I’m not saying that Bryan has not been like that, but just not completely enough to make me stop feeling like nobody needs me enough in this world. Sometimes I question,why? Why would HE want somebody like ME in their life? I feel like such a BURDEN for him sometimes, cause I know that all the pain he’s feeling, it’s because of me. And it pains me even more that I can’t help him as much I wish I could. Maybe bryan really needs me, but maybe not as much as I need him.I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me sometimes. Maybe I just feel so ignored sometimes, so stupid like nobody cares about what I have to say,that I act that way. But that’s just what I want. I feel right now, that without bryan,I’d be lost, empty, and my life would have no meaning without him in it. And it’s not that I’m doubting bryan for a second, it just makes me wonder..ay I don’t know! I’m just so confused.. I’m so scared to express these feelings to bryan, cause I don’t want him to get defensive or mad, and maybe I’m just overreacting,but what I’m writing write now is like vomit, it just seems to come out of me so unexpectedly, with no way of being stopped. I just care about him so much, and all I want is to stop making bad decisions. I want bryan to reassure me, to tell me he’s there for me, to boost my confidence so I know that when I go to make decisions in my life, I’ll know that they’re the right ones. But lately, I’ve just felt so empty, so lost without him. When I’m with him, I don’t feel like a mistake, or a mess-up, he always makes me feel like I’m great, and wonderful and perfect just the way I am. But without him near, I feel all that good feeling has left my body, like the warmth has evaporated and all that’s left is this icky cold mist. That’s why I need him more than ever. I’m so lost, and down, and my bottle of confidence is running dangerously low. I really just need a steady reassurance, that I really do mean something in his life. I just don’t wanna be another girlfriend, I want to be someone who really made an impact on his life, who has changed him for the better, as he has for me. I just don’t want to let him down. I’ve let so many others down, I want to show him I can be who he knows I can be.Tampoco I’m not one of those girls that are like, Bryan, what r u doing, and five minutes later call back, blah blah blah,and 2 seconds later, something else. I mean, only sometimes if it’s important but I’m not like constantly trying to be an attention wanting whore. It just feel nice sometimes to be needed. To know someone worries if your ok, to preocuparse por cosas que para otros parezcan estupideses..And it’s makes me so happy when Bryan is like that..he’s so sweet and kind,he’s my..EVERYTHING…But hey hey, like I said, I’m not doubting Bryan or saying he needs to be better, because who the hell am I to tell him, Bryan , need me more! Really,really need me! No, I’m not like that. Yo cojo las cosas con calma, and just write them down to get them out of my system…and that’s just how I feel about the situation. But plz, plz plz don’t think I’m bagging on bryan, or trying to change him, those are,and have never been my intentions, I’m simply just expressing how I have felt these past few days with so much building up inside of me, so maybe you can better understand where I’m coming from and how I feel.But I love bryan a lot,and care about him a lot, and everything were going through,it’s because we care about eachother..but, I just miss him a lot,maybe more than this journal can exaplain…I miss everything about him,god I hate this…
Things between bryan and I ahve gotten better communication wise. Much much better. He's talknig more, acting more like him old self. And I'm sooo glad about that..He makes me so happy...he just tries so hard to make things right and to make me hpapy. He never gives up. As for me, I just don't know what's up with me. I'm moody,and mad all the time, at least just to my grandma ..and I know that it's because I..jsut keep so much anger built up inside that I just don't let out, and sooner or later, I just feel like I'm gonna burst..I think I get it from my dad...he's pretty calm most of the time, but when he gets mad, he becomes a whole nother person, and I don't wanna see my self be like that ... im jsut so fed up with everything that's been going on lately, I'm so tired that I can't even find energy to fight back naymore at my mom or grandma. I'm so emotionally exhausted... I jsut am so tired of all this. Bryan and I spend more time defending our relationship than actually having one. We barely,talk or see eachother... It just sucks so bad.. This might sound bad, but I gotta get this out of my system... but... I know that I told bryan that I'd fight, that I wouldn't give up..but's it's just getting harder and harder to hold on... I lvoe him so much but I'm just so sick of this.. of sneaking around and borrowing ppls cell phones just so that i can hear his voice for like 2 seconds....It sucks... I just can't do this anymore..I don't know how long I can do this for before I just can't anymore...before it kills me. I wanna cry,scream and just shout and pull my hair out all at the same time. This is the time when i really need bryan more than ever now. i really need to know that he needs me in his life...that I'm useful for something and somebody. That i'm not just a screwup like everyone thinks... Maybe I am a screwup.. cause it seems like all the good things in my life keep leaving me... but i just hope that Bryan doesn't end up leaving me...I love him too much.. but i just don't know what's gonna happen or if things really will get better... But I really REALLY need bryan right now. I need to hear him tell me that he needs me. That without me, he'd be just as lost as I would be if I were without him. Those words, those simplethings ppl say to eachother, is the one thing, that is gonna keep me together, and stop me from doing things that I will regret, from doing things that ppl think is best for me. But I won't do it,cause I know that bryan loves me..I just really need him right now to really stick that in my head to keep my thoughts steady and to keep my hope from crumplnig into little pieces....
I’m not saying that Bryan has not been like that, but just not completely enough to make me stop feeling like nobody needs me enough in this world. Sometimes I question,why? Why would HE want somebody like ME in their life? I feel like such a BURDEN for him sometimes, cause I know that all the pain he’s feeling, it’s because of me. And it pains me even more that I can’t help him as much I wish I could. Maybe bryan really needs me, but maybe not as much as I need him.I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me sometimes. Maybe I just feel so ignored sometimes, so stupid like nobody cares about what I have to say,that I act that way. But that’s just what I want. I feel right now, that without bryan,I’d be lost, empty, and my life would have no meaning without him in it. And it’s not that I’m doubting bryan for a second, it just makes me wonder..ay I don’t know! I’m just so confused.. I’m so scared to express these feelings to bryan, cause I don’t want him to get defensive or mad, and maybe I’m just overreacting,but what I’m writing write now is like vomit, it just seems to come out of me so unexpectedly, with no way of being stopped. I just care about him so much, and all I want is to stop making bad decisions. I want bryan to reassure me, to tell me he’s there for me, to boost my confidence so I know that when I go to make decisions in my life, I’ll know that they’re the right ones. But lately, I’ve just felt so empty, so lost without him. When I’m with him, I don’t feel like a mistake, or a mess-up, he always makes me feel like I’m great, and wonderful and perfect just the way I am. But without him near, I feel all that good feeling has left my body, like the warmth has evaporated and all that’s left is this icky cold mist. That’s why I need him more than ever. I’m so lost, and down, and my bottle of confidence is running dangerously low. I really just need a steady reassurance, that I really do mean something in his life. I just don’t wanna be another girlfriend, I want to be someone who really made an impact on his life, who has changed him for the better, as he has for me. I just don’t want to let him down. I’ve let so many others down, I want to show him I can be who he knows I can be.Tampoco I’m not one of those girls that are like, Bryan, what r u doing, and five minutes later call back, blah blah blah,and 2 seconds later, something else. I mean, only sometimes if it’s important but I’m not like constantly trying to be an attention wanting whore. It just feel nice sometimes to be needed. To know someone worries if your ok, to preocuparse por cosas que para otros parezcan estupideses..And it’s makes me so happy when Bryan is like that..he’s so sweet and kind,he’s my..EVERYTHING…But hey hey, like I said, I’m not doubting Bryan or saying he needs to be better, because who the hell am I to tell him, Bryan , need me more! Really,really need me! No, I’m not like that. Yo cojo las cosas con calma, and just write them down to get them out of my system…and that’s just how I feel about the situation. But plz, plz plz don’t think I’m bagging on bryan, or trying to change him, those are,and have never been my intentions, I’m simply just expressing how I have felt these past few days with so much building up inside of me, so maybe you can better understand where I’m coming from and how I feel.But I love bryan a lot,and care about him a lot, and everything were going through,it’s because we care about eachother..but, I just miss him a lot,maybe more than this journal can exaplain…I miss everything about him,god I hate this…