You don't want to mess with me tonight...
Feeling very aggitated right now. I'm not sure exactly why. I had a decent day at work, though all week depsite actually getting decent sleep lately I've been insanely tired and sluggish at work... I mean seriously if I stopped too long I felt as if I closed my eyes I'd pass out. I had dinner at Elisabeth and Reinhard's place too meet Kato the cat whom I'm going to be sitting for 3 weeks while they are in Switzerland, Italy, and Austria... Anyway had a great evening with them, nice to have a home cooked meal with out having to do the cooking for a change. But on the way home... I dunno just became very aggitated, started thinking about things that have happened recently and realizing how pissed they actually made me when I thought I was ok with them. Not one specific incident or person, well mainly one but others surfaced to. I realized the last two weeks I've been eating more the way I used to... I've been picking at my arms if my hands aren't busy with something... slacking on going to the gym... letting the dishes pile in the sink.... I've got next to no groceries in the house... the apartment hasn't been picked up in quite some time... sound familiar??? yeah... some of the behaviors that are triggered when something is really not right with me. But until now I dunno I really haven't pin pointed what is wrong and why I'm doing this. Yeah I'm stressed with doctors, specialists, being alone down here. But it just feels like it's something deeper for me to be starting these behaviors over again. I mean I've not gotten into the all I do is clean to keep from thinking phase, which honestly I prefer, it's hella more productive but... I just don't know, it was that lately if I was stressing or frustrated I'd take my butt to the gym and work it out... but the past two weeks that hasn't been the case. Yes I'm concerned about my health but these behaviors are not by any means helping that!
I think what added to my aggrivations tonight is I watched well the second half of greys anatomy... about Addisons lack of eggs and how she's missed her chance... blah blah... and the whole weddings, marriage/cheating issues and such with George, Izzy, Callie, Burke, Christina... that just pushed a button with me tonight... Yes I know it's only a show but brought up valid thoughts about things in life...
I'm begining to think all guys are the same... once they get what they want they stop trying. That it's all a big game... put on a good show and then it's just over. Do I just attract them or is it really just about all men? Even ones I've trusted and have considered to be freinds in the past have let me down and made me rethink my judgement... not always on the level I'm talking about now but it really just sucks... I don't even know if its worth trying to trust one again. Maybe I should just stick to their game and when I'm lonely and needing affection go out and get it and be done with it... *sigh* I'm no good at that I know... But it's so much easier on some levels.
Is it too much to ask that I want a relationship thats starts out NOT based on sex? Yes I know there has to be some sexual attraction first which I am all for but not be what starts the whole relationship.... cause honestly that ruins it... I want to be romanced and courted not seduced and bedded! I just don't believe there are guys out there anymore that want to find someone to romance and court. I guess I'm expecting to much... Maybe I'm too picky...
Anyway still aggrivated but got some stuff out, not everything but what I'm willing to share. I think I'm gonna just crash and hope for a better mood in the morning.
Nite...