(no subject)
Good God.
I just read back on that last entry, and bugger me. If that doesn't make me poster-child for Dissociative Identity Disorder then I'll be a stuffed duck. Fair dinkum.
It feels so normal when you're feeling it. Well, not normal, but it feels like me, or again, a PART of me that is largely operative at that moment. And I know it's not, even at the time I know I sound crazy. But the craziest thing of all is going back & reading shit like that, and just going 'Holy shit. I really wrote all that. I really REMEMBER thinking & feeling all that.' Because now, only days later, it is SOOOOO foreign to me. So foreign. I cannot reconnect with that feeling AT ALL. (this is what I love about dissociation.) Like, AT ALL. May as well have been written by someone else. Oh I know I wrote it, fuck I remember sitting here bawling my eyes out & going insane for about a week prior. But when I'm back to the ME me that runs the show, I just read it & cringe & my first temptation is to delete it entirely. Because now I read it & go Oh god, GROSS! Yuk! Cheesy!! I so want to delete it. But I'm not going to. I think part of the problem is that bits of me were 'deleted' all my life & I was forced to live with shame for so long. I refuse to be ashamed by me, anymore. If there's an ugly side to me and my sexuality so be it. I know where it comes from. I have more chance of healing if I allow it to all hang out, if I allow myself to be uncensored, if I let the rage & the lust & the brokenness just pour forth like I have needed to for so long. No more silence. I need not be ashamed of it anymore, I am like this for a reason, and I am in healing for this exact reason. It's ugly, it's sad, but I won't be ashamed. FINITO!
On a brighter note, all my fukka's are coming to Sydney in Feb *jumps up & down excitedly* Big party will ensue, still working out details with Rita & her missus, will either be at my place or hers. Can't wait guys :D
Mwah!
AngelBaby
xx
I just read back on that last entry, and bugger me. If that doesn't make me poster-child for Dissociative Identity Disorder then I'll be a stuffed duck. Fair dinkum.
It feels so normal when you're feeling it. Well, not normal, but it feels like me, or again, a PART of me that is largely operative at that moment. And I know it's not, even at the time I know I sound crazy. But the craziest thing of all is going back & reading shit like that, and just going 'Holy shit. I really wrote all that. I really REMEMBER thinking & feeling all that.' Because now, only days later, it is SOOOOO foreign to me. So foreign. I cannot reconnect with that feeling AT ALL. (this is what I love about dissociation.) Like, AT ALL. May as well have been written by someone else. Oh I know I wrote it, fuck I remember sitting here bawling my eyes out & going insane for about a week prior. But when I'm back to the ME me that runs the show, I just read it & cringe & my first temptation is to delete it entirely. Because now I read it & go Oh god, GROSS! Yuk! Cheesy!! I so want to delete it. But I'm not going to. I think part of the problem is that bits of me were 'deleted' all my life & I was forced to live with shame for so long. I refuse to be ashamed by me, anymore. If there's an ugly side to me and my sexuality so be it. I know where it comes from. I have more chance of healing if I allow it to all hang out, if I allow myself to be uncensored, if I let the rage & the lust & the brokenness just pour forth like I have needed to for so long. No more silence. I need not be ashamed of it anymore, I am like this for a reason, and I am in healing for this exact reason. It's ugly, it's sad, but I won't be ashamed. FINITO!
On a brighter note, all my fukka's are coming to Sydney in Feb *jumps up & down excitedly* Big party will ensue, still working out details with Rita & her missus, will either be at my place or hers. Can't wait guys :D
Mwah!
AngelBaby
xx