(no subject)
ah Lord, there's got to be more to life than this. Everything is so dull lately and we all spend our time trying to fabricate some grand adventure or some downhill spiral for experience sake. I understand perfectly right now what the author of Ecclesiastes meant when he spoke about life being meaningless. What happened to people just being excited to get to spend time with one another, when sleepovers and prank calling boys was enough. Now nothing is enough. It's a weird feeling knowing that experiences don't determine the level of happiness and excitement. Drinking won't make me happy, having the boy of my dreams won't make my life full. Even being a perfect christian won't give life that "new" feel everyone is constantly searching for.
Honestly I don't know how much I would be missing if I got grounded for Christmas break. I would feel like I was and granted I'd be bored and lonely but the majority of the time breaks are just a large reminder that we're missing something. So we search, search, search for this non existant thing. We all know that somethings not right but no one knows what it is that could make them happy. I heard 4 people I was with yesterday all say that they didn't know what was wrong with them, but they knew that something was so wrong. I have to ask myself, can we all really have something that wrong with us or do we just not want to admit that we are never going to be content.
I mean maybe it's as simple as we need to be closer with Jesus and none of us are letting ourselves because we're afraid that it won't be the end all either and that's the only hope we have left. Or maybe it's just as simple as Lewis says "If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can satisfy, also we should begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world." Maybe we're asking for too much, maybe we're asking for too little.
All I know is the luster of sneaking around is fading and it's not even like I do anything wrong, but I still find myself forced to lie. I don't think that I'm better than the people who are doing wrong things though because I know that it's only by the grace of God that my desires and opprotunities have never coincided. I do know however that there is far much in this brain that can not be shared- of my own and of others buisness. and it's funny to share more than 90% of the people around me share and still have such a large portion of things that can't be known.
I was told today that I was an unrealistic teenager, that I am a mom.
and honestly I'm not even angry or frustrated that im stuck in the role of mom like I used to be. I remember a time where it would've bothered me that everyone else can screw up and I can't because everyone would be disappointed in me. There was a time where I wanted to be like everyone else and just be able to have fun and be free. I wanted to drink, dance, hook up, make rash idiot decisions but that just isn't me and it's not that I take pride or shame it in... but either way I really just dont care anymore. It seems we spend most of our lifes fighting ourselves and I'm done for a while even if that means staying in one place.
...and tomorrow I'll be restless again
Honestly I don't know how much I would be missing if I got grounded for Christmas break. I would feel like I was and granted I'd be bored and lonely but the majority of the time breaks are just a large reminder that we're missing something. So we search, search, search for this non existant thing. We all know that somethings not right but no one knows what it is that could make them happy. I heard 4 people I was with yesterday all say that they didn't know what was wrong with them, but they knew that something was so wrong. I have to ask myself, can we all really have something that wrong with us or do we just not want to admit that we are never going to be content.
I mean maybe it's as simple as we need to be closer with Jesus and none of us are letting ourselves because we're afraid that it won't be the end all either and that's the only hope we have left. Or maybe it's just as simple as Lewis says "If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can satisfy, also we should begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world." Maybe we're asking for too much, maybe we're asking for too little.
All I know is the luster of sneaking around is fading and it's not even like I do anything wrong, but I still find myself forced to lie. I don't think that I'm better than the people who are doing wrong things though because I know that it's only by the grace of God that my desires and opprotunities have never coincided. I do know however that there is far much in this brain that can not be shared- of my own and of others buisness. and it's funny to share more than 90% of the people around me share and still have such a large portion of things that can't be known.
I was told today that I was an unrealistic teenager, that I am a mom.
and honestly I'm not even angry or frustrated that im stuck in the role of mom like I used to be. I remember a time where it would've bothered me that everyone else can screw up and I can't because everyone would be disappointed in me. There was a time where I wanted to be like everyone else and just be able to have fun and be free. I wanted to drink, dance, hook up, make rash idiot decisions but that just isn't me and it's not that I take pride or shame it in... but either way I really just dont care anymore. It seems we spend most of our lifes fighting ourselves and I'm done for a while even if that means staying in one place.
...and tomorrow I'll be restless again