Point? Or pointless?
So it's been a year and 9 months since I've written anything in livejournal, for the very fact that I don't know if there is anyone still out there that reads it. I remember even, showing Jamie my last post I had made to get his input on it, and that was before I moved away to Calgary. I'm not even sure if anyone will read this but it's just as much or more for me than anyone else anyways. I feel like there's so much that has happened i don't even know where to start. I miss what I had, all of my friends, I miss the relationships I had. I remember coming back from calgary to visit and me and Andy and Aaron and Nicole all got soo drunk on jagerbombs and beer, chasing the codiene with jagerbombs haha that was fun. What has happened to that? I still love them and remember it as if it was yesterday, but am more than saddened to say that Andy won't even acknolege that I'm alive let alone consider me a friend. I remember what a wreck I was at shambhala the year before and how thankful I was that Andy was there for me and listened to me go on and on for a long time when he could have been off having a better time somewhere else. I don't know what I would have done without him there, I would have felt truely alone, especially after spending my first 2 shambhalas with someone all the time. He knew how hurt I was and was there for me as much as any friend could be and I'll never forget that, and I'll always be thankful I got to have him as my friend for as long as I did. Just being at shambhala that year brought me as much pain as it did joy. But I got through it and slowely, started to recover from the deep dark pit I had fallen into. I was sure that things could never get better, that this was the end, I didn't know how to keep going on day after day, but I did, and when I was in calgary, with the help of Miranda there listening to me go on and on I don't know how I would have made it through that year. I look back on it and it scares me to know where I was, the hopelessness I endured. It was the reason for my tattoo, faith. Because without faith I would have had no reason to go on, if I didn't truely believe with all my heart and soul that god would provide a way for things to get better, I would not be where I am now. I had to believe. Even though every day I couldn't see how things would get better, I had to tell myself that it will, have faith and it will. And that faith, got me through every day, until slowely I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I knew that things would get better. And as I started to change from just telling myself things will get better to believing it, things slowely started to look up. I got a good job in a high end salon right in the center of the city, just 2 train stops from my house, I got a membership to a gym and found my love for yoga. I had never actually tried it before but had always wanted to. I got into classes for free with my gym membership and started going almost every day, and I found my peace for those hours in my days. Regulated breathing and proper stretching is truely one of the most healing excersises I had ever found. It cleared my head and made me feel better than I had in so long. Once I started going regularly and eating healthy, I decided it was time to face my next battle, to stop smoking everything. It was hard and I still wonder how I did it. I guess I didn't have everyone around that smokes, which in turn makes me want to smoke. And that was, basically, my reason for leaving. Not just the smoking, the lifestyle I had been living for however many years previously. I thought, this is my chance to go, to change and leave all this pain and struggling I had found myself in and start anew, where no one knows how ive lived. But alas, it's not the place that changes you, you can't just run away from everything and expect to find yourself a whole new person. So, it followed me there. The hurt pain anguish sorrow you name it, was just brought into another place. In fact, it was worse. Instead of living this dangrous lifestyle back home with everyone you care about, your found alone, and with no knowledge of any other way to live then the way you've been living however many years. So quickly and surely, I found myself falling into the same, if not worse crowds. But, isn't it what I wanted? What I was looking for? If not then how did it so easily find me? The friends, the lifestyle, all creating a world I could live numbly in, and that was in fact what I was looking for. Something, anything to make the world I lived in less painful. And it worked, temporarily. I could go out, party, and for moments in time forget what it was I left behind. But in the dark quarters of the house I slept, I was haunted by the hollowness and dreams that never seamed to stop reminding me of who I was, where I had come from. The people I left behind wouldn't recognize me here, but do I even recognize myself? That question led to more feelings I had worked to numb, and therefore led me to do more of anything I could to make everything seem better, for the time. What I had set out to accomplish was accomplished. These people didn't know the old me, I was a whole new me, but it wasn't the me I had intended to be while invisioning in my head what life in Calgary would be like before I left. This saddens me, more now then while I was there, because even though it all sounds so dark and terrible life has a way of making it seem normal at the time. And it did seem normal. I never thought to change how I was living because then what would I do? Accept the crazyness for what it was? Change? That was the scariest thought of all. The pit you dig yourself is harder to climb out of the longer you dig, and I was already down deep before I had gotten to Calgary. Nearing the end of my stay in Calgary I had almost found enough love for myself to try to change. I had hitten rock bottem, or what I thought was rock bottem. Only the few friends I had in kelowna knew the truth on how far I had fallen. I didn't want to be numb anymore, I wanted to feel, to feel what happiness felt like what real joy and love could bring. But it's true what they say, you can't love until you learn to love yourself. That was my biggest struggle. I had been so damaged I truely felt there was nothing left but an empty shell, and what it took just to learn these simple things no one should have to go through. But I put myself there and I was determined to pull myself out. It had been 18 days without smoke but still other substances were used, which I fought hard on the inside to justify, when I had my accident. Halloween, flames central bar, I fell on the way to the bathroom and ended up dislocating all the bones in my foot and ankle and tearing all the ligaments in my foot. Not k owing the severity of what had happened, I went back downstairs and sat down for when finger 11 played. I managed to limp to a cab that brought me home where I used a stick as leverage to get me inside. I had had a few drinks at this time which I'm sure helped the pain. When I got to my room and took off my sock I called my mom to tell her something was sticking out the side of my foot. She told me to call the ambulance, I didn't, until the next morning. That day was such a blur, in the hospital all day I had already had my flight arranged back to kelowna for that night. Unable to walk, drugged out of my mind and on crutches, my roomate helped pack my suitcase while we both sobbed at the suddeness of it all, there I was, about to go home, while the night before I would have never thought I would be going back to kelowna, I was planning my months ahead in Calgary. And while it was all so sudden I felt a calm feeling about going home, seeing my parents, my friends that were not expecting me back at all. Miranda cabbed it with me to the airport, both of us a bit of a wreck and pushed me in a wheelchair through customs, where we had a drink and reminisced all the times we shared, she helped me find myself, and I owe her a world of gratitude for everything she did for me. I'll never forget the good times I got to share with her, for it wasn't only dark times, for there was always those days the skies shone blue, and those days were like revalations to me, that there is always a blue sky under the dark clouds. When our drinks were done, we gave our last goodbye hugs and for some reason, we both knew I wasn't coming back.