It's a new start
Why does it feel like I'm falling apart?
I absolutely hate this feeling of helplessness. I can't understand why it happens or how it happens. It's just there. It's just one of those things
But it's not. It's not just one of those things you learn to deal with. It's not like a fear of spiders. It's more like a completely irrational fear of every atom in my body suddenly splitting and leaving me a pile of dust on the floor. It's like I'm about to combust. It's like I'm about to completely and utterly fail at everything I've ever tried at.
Even though the people here are great I can't make this feel like home. I can't feel safe when I've got death threats, unbelievable as they may be, hanging over my head. I don't like it here anymore.
I thought I honestly wanted to do this. I thought that this would be the one thing that made everything feel better, that got rid of all the bad things, that put me in a better place. It's kind of upsetting that everything I've ever been told by people about university isn't coming true.
It doesn't help matters that I'm folding in on myself again. I'm more comfortable locking myself up in my room when everyone is sober. I can only stand to be around them when they are drunk because they won't remember the morning after. I can be however I want to be and no-one will care because they either won't remember or they will claim they won't.
I remember a time when I absolutely loathed to be around drunks. Now they are becoming my best friends. And I can't get enough of the escapism they offer.
I'm going home this weekend. I cannot wait. I can't believe that a trip 40miles west is going to make so much difference. But I know it is. It's shocking how much I'm looking forward to this. I'm just going to curl up on the sofa with my kitten and my parents and love them. Because it's as if I haven't got the chance to love someone here. I can't throw 18 years worth of emotion onto someone I've known for not even 18 days.
Everything is going as planned. Except my emotions. I'm in turmoil but I'm too scared to talk to someone.
I can't believe it's come to this again.
It doesn't help that my heart nearly beat out of my chest today when I saw this girl. I don't even know her, but she reminds me so much of someone I once knew. It's so scary. They sound, act, look and dress the same. But I know in my mind they aren't. My heart just won't let me know it.