poo
brick walls.
once again. i dont know. i am not contently happy.
i feel like my life as a 20 year old, has gone back to life as a 16 year old in highschool.
i feel like im back where i started.
only difference now is im getting old, and im in charge. im the grown up now.
what pisses me off about this train of thought is, even thought its been 6 months, i feel like im nothing, i have no purpose and im just a lost soul because hes no longer in my life. there is meant to be a day when i stop feeling like this. i thought it was near. but i feel like ive gone a few steps back. because i feel like my life is missing something. and that something is him.
but its fucked. he was the biggest jerk ever. still is a jerk. so why the fuck does it feel like im sitting here living a pointless life in hope that 'maybe one day we can be together again' maybe even if it were years from now. why the fuck was i brought up so bigly on true love. first love. one love. the only one.
i get scared of my current life. yeah its fun. but i feel like if i dont meet anyone new, i wont move forward in life, and it will just stay this way but slowly deteriorate. or the people currently in my life will up and go and just leave me. im always picking up the pieces of my life.
am i too dependant on one person? either that person being a best friend or a boyfriend? ugh i dont know anymore.
i just know that feeling like this, is starting to get me down.
i used to love childcare. now im bitter and angry and hurt and dont have patenice or energy for it. that or my new work is shit and my old work was the shit. am i just down on life coz of only work? coz im single? coz theres not really anyone else there? coz im living out of home? coz im so poor and struggling? coz im in so much debt? coz i dont have heaps as friends as i thought i would?
like. i see the way im living now, i will never meet a nice boy to start a family with.
and thats it in a nutshell.
i long for a family to call my own.
maybe that the problem.
you never find what your looking for
it always just comes when you are not looking.
and then i think, for fucks sake tania, YOU'RE ONLY 20!!!!! thats so friggen young. so why waste all this effort and engery into feeling like shit about my life. why sit and mope about it for hours and hours every night.
ughhh
well thats enough for now
nite nite
xo
once again. i dont know. i am not contently happy.
i feel like my life as a 20 year old, has gone back to life as a 16 year old in highschool.
i feel like im back where i started.
only difference now is im getting old, and im in charge. im the grown up now.
what pisses me off about this train of thought is, even thought its been 6 months, i feel like im nothing, i have no purpose and im just a lost soul because hes no longer in my life. there is meant to be a day when i stop feeling like this. i thought it was near. but i feel like ive gone a few steps back. because i feel like my life is missing something. and that something is him.
but its fucked. he was the biggest jerk ever. still is a jerk. so why the fuck does it feel like im sitting here living a pointless life in hope that 'maybe one day we can be together again' maybe even if it were years from now. why the fuck was i brought up so bigly on true love. first love. one love. the only one.
i get scared of my current life. yeah its fun. but i feel like if i dont meet anyone new, i wont move forward in life, and it will just stay this way but slowly deteriorate. or the people currently in my life will up and go and just leave me. im always picking up the pieces of my life.
am i too dependant on one person? either that person being a best friend or a boyfriend? ugh i dont know anymore.
i just know that feeling like this, is starting to get me down.
i used to love childcare. now im bitter and angry and hurt and dont have patenice or energy for it. that or my new work is shit and my old work was the shit. am i just down on life coz of only work? coz im single? coz theres not really anyone else there? coz im living out of home? coz im so poor and struggling? coz im in so much debt? coz i dont have heaps as friends as i thought i would?
like. i see the way im living now, i will never meet a nice boy to start a family with.
and thats it in a nutshell.
i long for a family to call my own.
maybe that the problem.
you never find what your looking for
it always just comes when you are not looking.
and then i think, for fucks sake tania, YOU'RE ONLY 20!!!!! thats so friggen young. so why waste all this effort and engery into feeling like shit about my life. why sit and mope about it for hours and hours every night.
ughhh
well thats enough for now
nite nite
xo