Twilight Sucks
You guessed it. Twilight sucks. Forget the hot and delicious blood that humans possess. Forget the mysterious and intensely sexual vampires of our ancient consciousness. We have new vampires in the forms of Hollywood and greedy executives that kept producing the bloody movies and they were more interested in your wallets, not your blood. Don't look for bite marks. Just look at your expenses for the past four years.
Approximately three years ago, I wrote an article about how much that frivolous phenomena called Twilight. I still stand firm on my original opinion that it literally sucks the money out of the poor population's wallets. It is shallow, boring and completely absurd! There was absolutely no sense in watching something that's so old and cliche that didn't even have any original twists. The movies sucked. The books sucked. Even the writing sucked.
Pick up a copy of her book and weep for the trees that she killed. Spend a minute with it and then you can cry for your dying brain cells. It's a crime against humanity! Poor trees! Poor misguided children! I am afraid for the thousands of people who carried a torch for that sickening piece of undead meat.
I still couldn't see what was so hot about the cold (emotional) vampire named Deadward, I meant, Edward. He's dead, for God's sake! And he's so severely repressed sexually that he bursts into sparkles when sunshine hits him. He was a prime example of an abusive and emotionally crippled boyfriend. Ask the Internet. Frankly speaking, I find Dedward so unattractive with his whining and sulking and stopping himself from jumping Bella's bones because "I might hurt you."
YOU RIDICULOUS CREATURE! Dracula must be turning in his grave! Or his ashes might be swirling in fury. STEPHANIE MEYER'S VAMPIRES ARE THE SHAME OF VAMPIRES EVERYWHERE. What's the use of having loads and loads of awesome sex appeal, cold ruthless hunter instincts and time if you can't even enjoy it? Vampires are supposed to be sexy. Hell, Dedward, why did you turn down sex with your "wife"? It's absurd. Simply absurd. Wuss.
His mate, Bella, kicked all of our advancements in feminism in the teeth. Forget girl power and making our decisions! Bella says it will all depend on Edward! Let's get married at 18 because Bella did! Ooooh! I want to marry someone so we can finally HAVE SEX and PRODUCE SPAWNS OF SATAN. Yeeeeessss!!! I kept wanting to hit the producer of this movie for showing us all of the selfless "I-love-Edward-so-I-want-to-suffer-coz-I'm-bearing-his-demon" shit. Bella was so pathetic! Stupid! And her creator called her an empowered woman and that her book was good for feminism! She should be ashamed of herself. Hey, SM, you really impressed us with your grasp of logic. ._______. Oh, wait, I forgot. Your grasp of biology was way out of whack too!
You probably destroyed HUNDREDS of innocent minds thanks to your creepy C-section. Not to mention that vampires can't procreate because they don't have any living sperm! How did your perfectly dead vampire impregnate his human wife? I bet you didn't think of that. You just went ahead to use artistic license and wish that your readers were dumb enough not to notice. I'll bet that you didn't even think that far... Or if you think at all. I can probably cite all of the illogical and ridiculous situations in your book but I'll spare my readers the trouble. We don't even have the energy anymore. You drained it.
Twilight sucks. Deal with it.
P.S. Thanks, Jae, for treating me to the movie. I'm just sorry if I ruined it for you with my witty remarks. I am sorrier because you don't understand my jokes and that you actually like Twilight. It was hilarious though. :D