Sail On; Reply
Read this first; Sail On
I have come to a stand still, my ship crashed on the reef in shallow waters, refusing to move even the slightest bit. My mind has slammed shut too early, locked itself and my motivation away in a distant room in my head, too far out of reach for me to cling to.
I have to keep swimming, have to keep sailing, have to keep moving or this undercurrent will undoubtedly drag me down again. I do not ever wish to go to that place again. Twice was two times too many.
Friends have gone astray, relationships I never thought would bend have broken, some coffee can fix, others broken beyond repair. Some have left me behind for dead, I am barely a fleeting thought to them now.
If the undertow catches hold of me this time, I won’t survive. Not this time.
September keeps me moving. It is the next safe harbour. Music keeps me moving. It keeps the wind in my sails. Knowing there are people out there that I would kill if I stopped keeps me going. They help me crew this ship I call my life. How I’ll make it through, I don’t know, but I know I must.
The nights are hardest. Barely sleeping, nightmares of my greatest hopes dying keep me lying awake, mixing with my greatest fears. A truly terrifying combination.
I have been put aside again. I know not if they know how it kills me. It tears at my insides like claws. I am not good enough to be put first in their life. I know not how to say this aloud to them. Slowly, day by day, they drift further away and I have No Idea how to get them back.
My heart has shattered, like an expensive vase knocked over by an unruly child. It has been slowly glued back together, piece by piece, using hopes, dreams and expectations, only to shatter all over again in the after effects of April. I know the after effects of September will be worse, but I have hope that it will not. Hope that it will not kill me, that there will be another safe harbour rise up in the distance beyond then.
Without hope, I will drown.
Sail on.
I have come to a stand still, my ship crashed on the reef in shallow waters, refusing to move even the slightest bit. My mind has slammed shut too early, locked itself and my motivation away in a distant room in my head, too far out of reach for me to cling to.
I have to keep swimming, have to keep sailing, have to keep moving or this undercurrent will undoubtedly drag me down again. I do not ever wish to go to that place again. Twice was two times too many.
Friends have gone astray, relationships I never thought would bend have broken, some coffee can fix, others broken beyond repair. Some have left me behind for dead, I am barely a fleeting thought to them now.
If the undertow catches hold of me this time, I won’t survive. Not this time.
September keeps me moving. It is the next safe harbour. Music keeps me moving. It keeps the wind in my sails. Knowing there are people out there that I would kill if I stopped keeps me going. They help me crew this ship I call my life. How I’ll make it through, I don’t know, but I know I must.
The nights are hardest. Barely sleeping, nightmares of my greatest hopes dying keep me lying awake, mixing with my greatest fears. A truly terrifying combination.
I have been put aside again. I know not if they know how it kills me. It tears at my insides like claws. I am not good enough to be put first in their life. I know not how to say this aloud to them. Slowly, day by day, they drift further away and I have No Idea how to get them back.
My heart has shattered, like an expensive vase knocked over by an unruly child. It has been slowly glued back together, piece by piece, using hopes, dreams and expectations, only to shatter all over again in the after effects of April. I know the after effects of September will be worse, but I have hope that it will not. Hope that it will not kill me, that there will be another safe harbour rise up in the distance beyond then.
Without hope, I will drown.
Sail on.