(no subject)
Not a whole lot to say. Just having a bit of a rough/blah day. The improving my weight/body image thing has sort of lost its momentum over the past few weeks. Mostly that is me, but I can point to a lot of little road bumps in the way that didn't help me keep up to speed. (Cold weather, not yet getting dad's bike, bathroom renovations making the house a mess, yoga classes that didn't quite work out.) It takes me a long time to get up the energy/commitment to make a decision, but once I'm ready to make that decision, I need to ride the excitement to make good headway and see progress or else I get discouraged and fall flat. I sort of think of myself as a bit of a pressure cooker. All the stuff in the pot cooks, and cooks, and cooks, and doesn't look like it's doing much until *boom* the energy pops the top and then stay out of the way because something big will be there to show for it when the steam clears.
Along with that is the fact that I like having things to look forward to that keep me happy and excited and energized. That's much easier when you're a kid. You have daily goals, weekly goals, after school cartoons, softball games, scout meetings, birthday parties, school vacations, holidays... all sorts of things to think about other than the daily grind. And even for me I didn't find much of a grind to it because I liked school and classes were only an hour long before we were moving on to a new topic. Life as an adult is nothing like that. Work is the same old thing almost every day. Same desk, same computer, same work. And now that I'm not observing any religious calendar, there aren't any holidays I look forward to for myself except maybe Christmas because I still try to do fun things and suprise other people with their gifts, and my birthday when I get to plan a day that I want and maybe get some presents from people. But more and more those "holidays" don't hold any meaning anymore because I've lost the religious conviction in them, and doing anything for secular/commercial reasons doesn't hold nearly the special quality they should since what is the difference between a "holiday" you "celebrate" as secular/commercial and any other day you arbitrarily pick as a "special" day to "celebrate". If I or anyone else can just pick a day, then that to me can just as easily be wrapped up into the ordinary as anything else. I want things that take me out of myself, out of the day to day, something that gives life meaning.
So at the moment, anything I decide to do or not do doesn't seem to hold much weight or make much of a difference. It's a pretty sad thing to simply have an existance when you don't see any ongoing meaning or point in it and anything you try to do can seem like filling the space with one more meaningless thing in the grand scheme of things.
Some days I wonder what the point is. And if I decided to dye my hair, get a tattoo, quit my job, go on a month long meditation to Tibet, move to Florida, join a Ren Faire, open a New Age shop, or any of a hundred things, would it make any *real* difference other than my friends and family worrying about me and/or missing me and the logistics of money/survival in doing it. I have no kids, no real worldly ties or obligations I couldn't easliy arrange to give up or have someone take over. My job would find someone else to do what I'm doing. My roommates could find a new roommate or a smaller apartment. I don't think I'd see my family any more or less than I already do, so that likely isn't an issue. So that leaves Dave, and my fish as daily things. Those feel like my only two ties to anything solid or any sort of obligations in life. And on my bad days I remember that people make and break relationships all the time, and 2 little fish are easy pets to find a home for.
Welcome to the continued existential crisis that is my life. blah.
Along with that is the fact that I like having things to look forward to that keep me happy and excited and energized. That's much easier when you're a kid. You have daily goals, weekly goals, after school cartoons, softball games, scout meetings, birthday parties, school vacations, holidays... all sorts of things to think about other than the daily grind. And even for me I didn't find much of a grind to it because I liked school and classes were only an hour long before we were moving on to a new topic. Life as an adult is nothing like that. Work is the same old thing almost every day. Same desk, same computer, same work. And now that I'm not observing any religious calendar, there aren't any holidays I look forward to for myself except maybe Christmas because I still try to do fun things and suprise other people with their gifts, and my birthday when I get to plan a day that I want and maybe get some presents from people. But more and more those "holidays" don't hold any meaning anymore because I've lost the religious conviction in them, and doing anything for secular/commercial reasons doesn't hold nearly the special quality they should since what is the difference between a "holiday" you "celebrate" as secular/commercial and any other day you arbitrarily pick as a "special" day to "celebrate". If I or anyone else can just pick a day, then that to me can just as easily be wrapped up into the ordinary as anything else. I want things that take me out of myself, out of the day to day, something that gives life meaning.
So at the moment, anything I decide to do or not do doesn't seem to hold much weight or make much of a difference. It's a pretty sad thing to simply have an existance when you don't see any ongoing meaning or point in it and anything you try to do can seem like filling the space with one more meaningless thing in the grand scheme of things.
Some days I wonder what the point is. And if I decided to dye my hair, get a tattoo, quit my job, go on a month long meditation to Tibet, move to Florida, join a Ren Faire, open a New Age shop, or any of a hundred things, would it make any *real* difference other than my friends and family worrying about me and/or missing me and the logistics of money/survival in doing it. I have no kids, no real worldly ties or obligations I couldn't easliy arrange to give up or have someone take over. My job would find someone else to do what I'm doing. My roommates could find a new roommate or a smaller apartment. I don't think I'd see my family any more or less than I already do, so that likely isn't an issue. So that leaves Dave, and my fish as daily things. Those feel like my only two ties to anything solid or any sort of obligations in life. And on my bad days I remember that people make and break relationships all the time, and 2 little fish are easy pets to find a home for.
Welcome to the continued existential crisis that is my life. blah.