..Confusion..
I feel very lost right now. It seems like everyone is getting mad at me constantly. I think it's because I don't have a job right now, and I'm living off Alex and Sam. The only way that I've been able to even pay my bills is financial aid. I have to borrow money from my mum this month to pay my rent. And I managed to pay my phone bill last month and got my deposit back, which I told them to put toward my bill, so I have a $100 credit. The only way that I have a phone this month. And next month too probably. I'm so glad this job is starting. I hate that I don't have any self confidence. But the people around me don't fucking help very much. I had to have a long talk with him last night about something he said to Sam and our friend Sean about how I acted around spiders. I do freak out when I'm around them, but he started saying that I acted like I was 2 and it seemed like he was making fun of me just to be mean. He swore that he didn't mean it like that, but he needs to think about what he says before he says things like that. It doesn't help my self confidence, and he says the most that I need more.
I've been really down lately, and Alex doesn't even seem to really care. I mean, I'm sure he cares, but he doesn't do anything about it. He says that when I'm depressed it makes him more depressed than me, which is bullshit. When he's depressed I get depressed too, but I still comfort him. It doesn't seem fair to me.
Today is really shitty. I don't even really want to go home. I think what is going to happen is Alex and I will get into a fight, and it will be all my fault, as usual. Sam will be on his side, and this horrible day will end just as bad as it began at midnight last night. The only good thing that happened today is that Ella called, and if I had been in class like I should have been, I wouldn't have gotten to talk to her. Talking to her made my day bareable.
*sighs* I'm going to go see if it's stopped raining yet. Maybe I can find someone smoking. I think that's why everyone in my house is so fucking pissy, because we don't have any fucking pot.... *sighs again* Stupid expensive medication. Awww, it's pouring now. No one will be anywhere...
I missed Psychology, I forgot my pilates pants, so I cant participate in that either. The only good thing is that I'm getting a ride home from sculpture, and a box of yeasty foods. My friend Jessica is Jewish and Passover is here, so they have to get rid of all their foods with yeast and flour or something. So they're giving them to me.
Now I'm going to go wander around in the rain some more...
I've been really down lately, and Alex doesn't even seem to really care. I mean, I'm sure he cares, but he doesn't do anything about it. He says that when I'm depressed it makes him more depressed than me, which is bullshit. When he's depressed I get depressed too, but I still comfort him. It doesn't seem fair to me.
Today is really shitty. I don't even really want to go home. I think what is going to happen is Alex and I will get into a fight, and it will be all my fault, as usual. Sam will be on his side, and this horrible day will end just as bad as it began at midnight last night. The only good thing that happened today is that Ella called, and if I had been in class like I should have been, I wouldn't have gotten to talk to her. Talking to her made my day bareable.
*sighs* I'm going to go see if it's stopped raining yet. Maybe I can find someone smoking. I think that's why everyone in my house is so fucking pissy, because we don't have any fucking pot.... *sighs again* Stupid expensive medication. Awww, it's pouring now. No one will be anywhere...
I missed Psychology, I forgot my pilates pants, so I cant participate in that either. The only good thing is that I'm getting a ride home from sculpture, and a box of yeasty foods. My friend Jessica is Jewish and Passover is here, so they have to get rid of all their foods with yeast and flour or something. So they're giving them to me.
Now I'm going to go wander around in the rain some more...