(no subject)
You know, life is confusing.
I don't pretend to understand it. I don't pretend to understand people. I don't pretend to understand love, or even just feelings in general. Hell, I don't even pretend to understand myself. I find myself doing some things I'd never thought in a thousand years I'd do yet at the same time, I find myself in the same rut as I've always been in. I want to be knocked out of orbit and shoved into the right path- I'm way out of whack. Yes, I'm still falling, but at times I'm clinging. Sometimes it feels like I do have something to hold onto, but maybe it's all just an illusion. There are times that I feel I couldn't be happier. Times I feel worthless. Times I feel all-powerful. Beautiful. Sexy. Pointless. Dull. Average. Below average. On top of the world. In hell. I guess this is all normal. I guess everyone feels like this, but I feel like a bouncy ball.
There are times when something knocks you upside the head. Something that shoots at you from left field. You don't know what to do or how to feel and you end up probably just creating more of a mess than what was already there. God, I don't even know how many times that's happened in the past few months.
I don't know where Brandon and I are or where we're going. Things I guess are going to be official one way or another a week from now. Together totally as a couple. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. Just what I've wanted for about two months. Or... gone. Split. Done. I'll be "let loose to see other guys" because he just can't do a relationship with me right now. I'm letting you all know now, if this happens, I'll probably have a breakdown. This guy... he's meant so much to me lately. I am his princess. He makes me feel like a princess sometimes. Now, that doesn't mean that we don't beat each other up- we do. I have the bruises and sore nipples and he has the scratches, bruises and bite marks to prove it. We kill each other but we kind of love it.
And that's where those damn feelings come into play. One day, he's all over me- lovey-dovey and kissy. The next, he wants to be left alone. It's hard to deal with, but I know that he's having a lot of issues himself. He was screwed last time he got involved with a girl seriously. I want him to look at me that way that he did at the beginning. All the time that giddy, googly look that makes me feel like the only woman in the world. He still gives me that look, but he also has this confused, defensive look that can turn into ticked off when the correct buttons are pushed. Meanwhile, he got me to feel for him. I didn't at first and now... damn. I really like this guy. I don't know why- really I don't. He's nothing I've ever really wanted in a guy. Cowboy. Hick. Blonde. Family man. Hell, the man wants to spend the rest of his life on a cattle ranch with a herd of children. His words- "herd of children." So me, right? Well, guess what? I like country music. And somehow he's turned on that maternal instinct in me. I don't know how he did it, but seeing the love on his face when talking about his family and the family he doesn't even have yet... it did it.
There are times now that I wonder if I should just settle down in the country. Be a farmer's wife. Work the land.
Love. I just want love.
Happiness. Is it really possible? Can one be truly happy for more than just a short period of time. If so, how?
There are days when I feel myself crumble and days when I feel such confidence.
I guess you just live one day at a time, right? Take whatever opportunities come your way and live every moment as best you can?
It's hard, though. God, it's hard.
But no one ever told me how hard it is to be happy.
I don't pretend to understand it. I don't pretend to understand people. I don't pretend to understand love, or even just feelings in general. Hell, I don't even pretend to understand myself. I find myself doing some things I'd never thought in a thousand years I'd do yet at the same time, I find myself in the same rut as I've always been in. I want to be knocked out of orbit and shoved into the right path- I'm way out of whack. Yes, I'm still falling, but at times I'm clinging. Sometimes it feels like I do have something to hold onto, but maybe it's all just an illusion. There are times that I feel I couldn't be happier. Times I feel worthless. Times I feel all-powerful. Beautiful. Sexy. Pointless. Dull. Average. Below average. On top of the world. In hell. I guess this is all normal. I guess everyone feels like this, but I feel like a bouncy ball.
There are times when something knocks you upside the head. Something that shoots at you from left field. You don't know what to do or how to feel and you end up probably just creating more of a mess than what was already there. God, I don't even know how many times that's happened in the past few months.
I don't know where Brandon and I are or where we're going. Things I guess are going to be official one way or another a week from now. Together totally as a couple. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. Just what I've wanted for about two months. Or... gone. Split. Done. I'll be "let loose to see other guys" because he just can't do a relationship with me right now. I'm letting you all know now, if this happens, I'll probably have a breakdown. This guy... he's meant so much to me lately. I am his princess. He makes me feel like a princess sometimes. Now, that doesn't mean that we don't beat each other up- we do. I have the bruises and sore nipples and he has the scratches, bruises and bite marks to prove it. We kill each other but we kind of love it.
And that's where those damn feelings come into play. One day, he's all over me- lovey-dovey and kissy. The next, he wants to be left alone. It's hard to deal with, but I know that he's having a lot of issues himself. He was screwed last time he got involved with a girl seriously. I want him to look at me that way that he did at the beginning. All the time that giddy, googly look that makes me feel like the only woman in the world. He still gives me that look, but he also has this confused, defensive look that can turn into ticked off when the correct buttons are pushed. Meanwhile, he got me to feel for him. I didn't at first and now... damn. I really like this guy. I don't know why- really I don't. He's nothing I've ever really wanted in a guy. Cowboy. Hick. Blonde. Family man. Hell, the man wants to spend the rest of his life on a cattle ranch with a herd of children. His words- "herd of children." So me, right? Well, guess what? I like country music. And somehow he's turned on that maternal instinct in me. I don't know how he did it, but seeing the love on his face when talking about his family and the family he doesn't even have yet... it did it.
There are times now that I wonder if I should just settle down in the country. Be a farmer's wife. Work the land.
Love. I just want love.
Happiness. Is it really possible? Can one be truly happy for more than just a short period of time. If so, how?
There are days when I feel myself crumble and days when I feel such confidence.
I guess you just live one day at a time, right? Take whatever opportunities come your way and live every moment as best you can?
It's hard, though. God, it's hard.
But no one ever told me how hard it is to be happy.