balancing
Life confuses me. On the one hand, I should live for the moment, carpe diem, what if I die tomorrow? If I do that, then I'm out having fun, fuck homework, housework, consequences. On the other hand, all my hard work will pay off. I see the obvious answer, to balance the two, but what should the overriding philosophy be? It's all such a balancing act. Looking at the big picture of my life and redefining significance, versus living in the moment and finding significance in details. Sometimes I feel like I am zooming in and out on my life, until everything is distorted and I have to stop thinking for a while. The best way for me to stop thinking is to ride, and then I wonder if retiring Electra is the right thing. I'll miss her, I already do. I won't have my emotional fallback anymore, and that unnerves me. And then there's the finality of it- I'll never jump her again, never compete her, never even canter her. Then again, it's not too late to change my mind. I could keep her for another year- but the rest of my life has filled up, it's time to move on... but I'm moving on from part of myself as well, and from her, and I don't know if I'm ready to close the door on all of that. Then again, I'm closing it, not deadbolting it. And I can still close my eyes and be with her, and I love her so much I can't breathe. I'm going riding tomorrow morning, and I wonder if I will feel better or maybe more torn. Also, dressage is very much a spiritual path, and I'm learning to be more spiritual, so why am I quitting riding? Again, the answer is to be less extreme, to not quit completely. I've got to let go of the bipolar mentality, all or nothing, suicidal or ecstatic, that thinking is so limiting. I'm learning though, teaching myself- I didn't completely quit the internship, just went to volunteering, I haven't completely quit riding, I'm not always so radical.
Then there's the whole relationship thing, which I'm afraid to question. Why do people get into relationships? What does it fulfill? Companionship, making a family, sex... I don't know if there's an answer that works for me. I don't want kids, I don't want to have casual sex, I don't want a needy relationship, so what do I want? I know that the desire for 'companionship' or whatever we're calling it is biological- next I'll want babies. It's just programming, and I want to get beyond that. I'm not questioning sexual attraction, I know that's normal. I'm questioning what a relationship would do for me. I don't want to fear solitude, and I'm not alone anyway... there are so, so many people that I have great friendships with. What would a relationship do? I know I really love that whole first hormonal rush of love, being held, loved, all that good stuff. Does that come from fear of being alone? Would I even want a relationship if I hadn't seen so many in my life, on tv, in books, wherever? Is it all just social programming? I am so afraid of being needy, of just grabbing on to the first half decent woman I meet. I don't want a relationship that's just "any port in a storm". I'm not sure what the answer is. If I meet someone amazing, fall in love, and it's mutual, then what? We get married? Why? Where does it go? I guess the answer is that you make each other happy, but I think people have to be happy with themselves first. Relationships are so much work, and I'm not sure what makes them worthwhile. I'm starting to feel like I'm chasing my own tail here, and I don't feel eloquent. Then again, my strength is in finding the next question, not in eloquence. This might all be just a story we tell ourselves. I wonder if the next time my heart gets broken the CEO of Hallmark will come wipe away my tears.
Then there's the whole relationship thing, which I'm afraid to question. Why do people get into relationships? What does it fulfill? Companionship, making a family, sex... I don't know if there's an answer that works for me. I don't want kids, I don't want to have casual sex, I don't want a needy relationship, so what do I want? I know that the desire for 'companionship' or whatever we're calling it is biological- next I'll want babies. It's just programming, and I want to get beyond that. I'm not questioning sexual attraction, I know that's normal. I'm questioning what a relationship would do for me. I don't want to fear solitude, and I'm not alone anyway... there are so, so many people that I have great friendships with. What would a relationship do? I know I really love that whole first hormonal rush of love, being held, loved, all that good stuff. Does that come from fear of being alone? Would I even want a relationship if I hadn't seen so many in my life, on tv, in books, wherever? Is it all just social programming? I am so afraid of being needy, of just grabbing on to the first half decent woman I meet. I don't want a relationship that's just "any port in a storm". I'm not sure what the answer is. If I meet someone amazing, fall in love, and it's mutual, then what? We get married? Why? Where does it go? I guess the answer is that you make each other happy, but I think people have to be happy with themselves first. Relationships are so much work, and I'm not sure what makes them worthwhile. I'm starting to feel like I'm chasing my own tail here, and I don't feel eloquent. Then again, my strength is in finding the next question, not in eloquence. This might all be just a story we tell ourselves. I wonder if the next time my heart gets broken the CEO of Hallmark will come wipe away my tears.