Well, Christine Patterson and I weren't quite ourselves at this New Year's party, or perhaps more ourselves than usual. And, as we are so obviously bursting with creative energy, we decided to express ourselves by writing short stories in tandem-- that is to say, alternating lines. However, we lacked paper. So we wrote on the only readily available surface.
So, what started as a single short story became a series of completely unrelated, poorly written, ridiculous stories that were composed through out the night.
Thus I present for your sympathy and bewildered amusement:
The Paper Plate Tales
- Sharpie the Pirate Who Hated Christmas and Terror the Monkey Who Hated Easter
Jewstine and Alspiz (December 31, 2004)
(Recorded on a paper plate)
Once upon a Pirate Ship, there was a monkey called Terror and his owner Sharpie. Sharpie was a pirate who was green and occasionally red. Every Christmas, the other pirates would hang candy canes off his ears and would make him hold candles and they danced in circles around him. Sharpie hated Christmas. He became the first Jewish pirate and used the candles for his menorah.
Terror was a monkey who hated Easter. The Pirates would dress him up in a bunny costume, and, despite his being a mammal, tried to make him lay eggs. Instead he left them chocolate pellets and the Pirates named the Poop deck for him. THE END
- Golliver the Finicky Field Mouse
Jewstine and Alspiz (January 1, 2005)
(Recorded on a paper plate)
Golliver was a finicky field mouse. Gollver loved to play in the grass, especially the purple grass with the snakes that groaned really loudly. Golliver would only eat cotton candy for brunch. Golliver was personally affronted when the snake by the river offered him an organic worm. "No," he said, "I’m finicky!" The snake said, "Fine! I’ll give it to the vibrating octopus instead." Gollver replied, "Take your SM elsewhere, snake! Not in my purple grass!" So the snake went to visit the octopus, who slipped up the worm and said, "You know your guys." THE END
Alternate Ending: So the snake went to visit the octopus, who slipped up the worm and said, "Happy New Year!"
- Papa Pedro the Flatulent Porcupine
Jewstine and Alspiz (January 1, 2005)
(Recorded on a slip of paper)
Papa Pedro, a most offensive breast, only ate turnips at midnight for breakfast. Turnips often satisifed his stomach, Alberto, who sometimes, on rare occasions, exploded. This caused Papa Pedro to shoot quills in all directions, not making him popular at parties with lots of balloons. Whenever Pedro shot quills, he caused the geese in the meadows to fly south, rage in their wings. He probably did something heroic, helping the geese fly or something, but he stank and no one loved him anyway. THE END
- Yallawallanalla the ADD Insurance Salesman
Jewstine, Alspiz, and Swirlie (January 1, 2005)
(Recorded on a dinner napkin)
In the district of Allamelekhem, there lived an ADD Insurance saleman, known to his friends as Yawana Hitthesac. Yawana sold sexual harassment policies, an invention of his own. Yawana was very successful because his policies were always needed, wherever he went. However, due to his ADD, he rarely closed deals, because ge got too distracted. He also rarely went by his own policies and was frequently asked to leave his meetings. His only hobby was raising expensive exotic fish, but he forgot to feed them, and his need to replace them made him file for bankruptcy. Yawana Hitthesac ended up having a miserable life, so he moved to the Bahamas and ate pineapples and choked and died. THE END
- Sharpie the Recanting Pirate
Jewstine and Alspiz (January 1, 2005)
(Recorded on a slip of paper)
After many weeks of Sharpie’s recent conversion to Judaism, he came down with the Orange Fever. His doctor told him to take eighteen and one-third Vollavolla pills, but he felt fine and only took two. That was stupid. He turned blue and occasionally silver. Instead of blaming this problem on his stupidity, he blamed his conversion. Therefore, Sharpie became the first Buddhist Pirate. His ideologies sometimes clashed. The other pirates were angry when Sharpie brought a statue of Buddha on the ship. But he consoled them with marigolds and free yoga lessons. THE END
- Eddiecootchacatchacanoakinaryoakapokasamacamiwacky Brown the Deranged Cougar
Jewstine, Alspiz, Swirlie, Danny (January 1, 2005)
(Recorded on three sheets of toilet paper)
Ed liked opera music. It was a strange fetish for guys who sang loudly. He secretly wanted to be a tenor singer and a ballerina in the Washington Ballet Company. However, he literally had four left paws, and three missing toes. Plus, he was vehemently addicted to Play-doh and Peach Schnapps. He also loved swing dancing with hick pigs in barns while the cows and horses watched enviously. Then he ate the cows and his ballerina dreams were over. So he became the world’ greatest swing dancer, and cows and horses yet remain envious to this day. THE END