(Untitled)
"Dunno 'bout the rest of you, but I'm tired from torturin' Harm."Tired? Not really. Not in the physical way. When you're dealing with Harmony, all of the exhaustion starts out as psychological and converts itself to something that makes you desperate for sleep. The need to get away from Harmony and try to forget about the entire conversation is why
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Exactly what I wanted to hear. What I needed to hear after a day that couldn't have been much worse. Although, there have been worse for me, I'll admit it in a heartbeat. I'm not about to forget the days that I was possessed and alone, and just plain scared. I couldn't forget about that if I wanted to.
Somehow, it seemed worse than what had happened to Gunn. He was gone; for good, as far as we knew anyway. We could try to bring him back again, give him a third life... but I was starting to think that we should have never been brought back in the first place. We were meant to die when we did, all of this is just happening because the good guys that rank above us got bored.
I take comfort in knowing where Gunn is; I spent a little time there myself when I wasn't busy worrying about everyone.I doubt it's heaven, maybe we get the next best thing. But it's beautiful--definitely not the kind of place you want to be taken away from unless there's a damn good reason.
We hardly have a reason for going to bed at night. Who would want to be brought back to this?
"Right then, see I was thinkin' that I'd sit here, wait, be the good guy and all... only... I'm not the good guy 'round here. Right? I'm Spike."
Oh please. If this is the part where he thinks talking about all the people he killed in the past is some big turn on, I want no part in it. After that talk with Harmony, I'm also a little wary of him telling me to stake him, and if he does that, god, we will be done.
This isn't too bad. I'll admit that Spike's a little hot when he's trying to sound like a badass. And by a little, I mean a little more than usual. He's pretty attractive to begin with, in a way. A Billy Idol, Syd Vicious way.
I never thought either of them were good looking, it just works for Spike. He's not the kind of vampire who could pull off a buzz cut and a business suit.
"Unless there's something you're not telling me, yes you are."
"And Spike's not good,he's just some bloke that takes what he wants..."
Gee, I wonder where this is going. Because his not-so-subtle moves don't give it all away. Come on. Spike's been doing this for a while now, I seriously doubt this is the best he's got. I don't picture the lines working on someone with an IQ higher than Harmony's.
And I have to stop thinking about that.
"I've noticed."
That make out session before we interrogated Harmony was an indicator. The kiss in Wesley's office fell into the same category. Whatever is about to happen right now will cap it off the statement.
"And right now, what he wants... is you."
His hands--and lips--were on me in record time. Screw the bad lines, all Spike had to do was kiss me and say that he wanted me.
Wait-that wasn't what he said, was it?
"Isn't that sweet." I pulled away from Spike, because after what he said, it felt wrong.
Spike wanted me. Right now, he wanted me. Right now. Not earlier or later, no. He wanted me for the time being, because I was conveniently standing across from him.
He wanted me for the night. Like a hooker or a Harmony.
"Why don't you just go get a prostitute? They're less work."
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Yeah, well, that was what I thought too, only every time I tried t'do somethin', I was questioned. Or told I wasn't good enough or... wait, hadn't Cordy already had this chat with me? Somethin' 'bout vamp-inferiority-complex or some-such. Whatever... it was what I knew, what I was bloody used t'feelin', t'thinkin'...
"Isn't that sweet."
Our lips met, meshed, my tongue tastin' hers so sweet... my hands were runnin' up and down her back then back t'her hair until they were tangled in the threads of it. I licked my way down her face, nibblin', tastin', feastin' on her until I got t'her neck and placed a small kiss there before movin' on t'the hollow of her throat...
And she moved away from me.
I shook my head a few times, blinkin' my eyes t'clear my head as I furrowed my brow at her. Wasn't... wasn't this what she wanted? She asked me t'fuckin' spend the night here - what did she think was goin' t'bloody well happen?
"Why don't you just go get a prostitute? They're less work."
"Oh, for fuck's sake," I grumbled before collapsin' into the chair nearby and rubbin' at the headache that was slowly beginnin' t'form. "Are we back t'that again?" I looked up at her and saw that she was serious. Fuckin' serious.
"Cordy, I..." I closed my eyes and mentally counted t'ten... stopped, and did it again since it didn't work the first soddin' time. "Alright. First off, I don't want some fuckin' hooker, I want you." Did that come out right?
"Second... I've been in shit where's there's plenty of work, and... wait, are you sayin' that I'm not workin' hard enough?" I stood up immediately, stormin' up t'her and pokin' her with my finger. "I work! Fuckin' work till I can't anymore!"
Began pacin' 'round, tryin' t'get a handle on my anger and also on what the hell we were arguin' 'bout this time round. I stared over my shoulder at her as I finally figured it out.
"It's the shaggin', wasn't it? Wasn't good enough for you. Little Miss Hollywood has had her taste of men and decided that she doesn't like the ones with no heartbeats... oh, wait. At least the ones with no heartbeats who shag her senseless until she can see God five fuckin' times! It's not enough for you, now is it?"
Yeah, that last bit made no sense t'me, but I was graspin' at straws.
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I heard that the first time. Spike wants me for the night, we're both clear on that. He's missing the part where he made me feel like his personal whore, and seriously, what's next? I let him play around with pretending that he's the Big Bad and I'm the cheap slut, and the next thing you know, I am being told to dress up like Buffy.
I swore I'd never go back to being a blonde, and I meant it.
"Second... I've been in shit where's there's plenty of work, and... wait, are you sayin' that I'm not workin' hard enough? I work! Fuckin' work till I can't anymore!"
"Excuse me! Who the hell do you think youre poking?!" I snapped back at Spike, pushing his hand away from me. I'm trying to find some kind of calm in me, but how am I supposed to do that when he's acting like a thirteen year old getting his best porno taken away? We could have talked this out like rational people, we could have at least pretended that we were going to be rational, but Spike had to poke me and make it about sex!
It's not entirely about sex, it's about him wanting me strictly for that purpose and only at his convenience. God, no wonder he pisses Angel off so much!
"It's the shaggin', wasn't it? Wasn't good enough for you. Little Miss Hollywood has had her taste of men and decided that she doesn't like the ones with no heartbeats... oh, wait. At least the ones with no heartbeats who shag her senseless until she can see God five fuckin' times! It's not enough for you, now is it?"
"Miss Hollywood had her taste of..."I started repeating his words out of sheer confusion until I put together what he was trying to imply about me. "You just did it again! Right there! Little Miss Los Angeles slept her way around the city and thats why she's not into being Spike's whore!"
How is he missing this? I don't get it. Mostly, I don't get Spike, but right now that's pissing me off less than the things that are coming out of his mouth.
"Well I'm sorry that I don't bow down when you enter a room, but you know what? You don't deserve it!"
Not if you're calling me a slut you don't.
"And for the record, Spike, it was four times. Not five."
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She shoved me! Alright, not me, but my hand. And she was arguin' back at me 'bout who the sod all knew what. I sure as hell didn't... fuck, were we always goin' t'be like this? Runnin' 'round in circles every bloody time we didn't understand one another?
"Miss Hollywood had her taste of... You just did it again! Right there! Little Miss Los Angeles slept her way around the city and thats why she's not into being Spike's whore!"
"I did what right where?" Glarin' at her, I felt the need t'pace again, only I figured it wasn't goin' t'do much but blow off steam. Which I needed when I was havin' a fight with Sexy here. "And did you just say my whore?"
Not that I'd complain 'bout her bein' my whore, but we hadn't gotten that far in our little sex games yet. As a matter of fact, we hadn't gotten anywhere in our sex games, seein' how we'd only ever had the one night!
Way things were goin', that was all we were goin' t'get.
"Well I'm sorry that I don't bow down when you enter a room, but you know what? You don't deserve it!"
"I never said that... wait, you don't think I deserve it?" My anger vanished as I pondered that last bit. What, a bloke could go down on his girl but she wouldn't do the same for him? What sort of fucked-up relationship had I gotten myself into?
"And for the record, Spike, it was four times. Not five."
"Uh-huh... fakin' it, now, were we?" I mumbled under my breath. "Need t'give you a bloody Oscar. Better actress than you give yourself credit."
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Twenty four hours, and I'm sick of this already. Sick of watching my friends die again, sick of Spike, sick of this cycle that's starting to become pretty damn vicious after only a day in.
I missed them all, with two execeptions; one who lived to tell the tale, and one who should have been a flavor of the week at Baskin Robbins. As weird as it is, I almost missed Spike when I saw him raising hell and telling it like it was. Someone had to do it in my absence.
But now?
"Take one second, Spike, one, and listen to me."
Spike's not going to, but he can't say that I didn't try. We're so far apart we're on totally different planets.
"I don't want this."
Okay, it's not entirely true, but it'll process quicker if all he's getting are short sentences with lots of yes and no responses. And I know, he's a little slow sometimes. Angel is the same way, with less retarded expressions and a lower yell. Not to mention the growl thing. When Spike does it he sounds like a bear.
I just shouldn't be doing this comparison right now.
"I'm not Buffy, and if all you want is a one night stand when you don't have anything better to do, I don't want you here."
Somehow I hadn't thought that would be so hard to say. I know I had to, I just wish he'd wanted a little more than a "right now". We could have been friends, more if he had been interested. In spite of Angel hating me for it, I would have tried.
I was starting to care for him, I don't want someone who doesn't care about me. Relationships that only last from one night to the next are fine for some people, but it wouldn't work for me.
"Guess I'm not Miss Hollywood after all."
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I looked at her hard before sittin' down finally, tryin' t'figure her out some more. Fine, I'd listen, calm down and all that. I lifted my brows and made a gesture as if t'say 'get on with it'.
Probably shouldn't have done that.
"I don't want this."
What? She'd just been... but she... I looked down at the floor and waited for her t'finish me off, then, tell me t'toss off or some rot. Way it always went with me, right? And... why the fuck did I care so goddamn much? Wasn't like I loved her or...
Oh. FUCK.
"I'm not Buffy, and if all you want is a one night stand when you don't have anything better to do, I don't want you here."
I smiled t'myself, eyes still on the floor as it hit me. Everythin' I'd been feelin' 'round her, everythin' she'd been sayin', how every bloody time it ended up wrong since... sod it all, since I was too stubborn and so was she. What a pair we made... if only I could let her know that somehow.
I was figurin', though? If I said it - yeah, IT, those three bloody words that she'd laugh at me for - then she wouldn't believe me. Think I was still tryin' t'get into her knickers.
"Guess I'm not Miss Hollywood after all."
"No, you're not," I agreed, sorry I'd made the joke now as I stood and kept my hands in my pockets so's I wouldn't be tempted t'reach out and touch her. I did take that tiny half-step closer, though, until our eyes finally met.
"I know you're not Buffy. Don't want her, though, Sexy. Don't want a one-night anythin' with you." Drew in a deep breath before placin' a small kiss on her cheek - yeah, not her lips which were temptin' as all hell, but see? I was bein' a gentleman here.
"But... I'll go if that's what you really want me t'do."
I didn't want t'go, but if that was what it took t'start provin' t'her I was serious 'bout all of this? I'd do it.
Just... don't take my heart out and stomp on it, Cordy. I've had enough of that in my life... hell, think you have too...
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I could be overtired, but it sounds like we're getting somewhere. Having spent a long twenty four hours going around in circles and getting nowhere, this feels right. If previous experience is any indication of how my right instincts tend to lead to things going wrong, I'll call it good. Knowing that Spike isn't the British manwhore I made him out to be doesn't change anything. I'm almost ashamed to admit that I would have dropped it even if he hadn't said what he did about Buffy, but I feel more comfortable now, and while that may not have an impact on anything beyond tonight, I feel better tonight. I want to be with him again--provided that he's just used the only mention of Buffy the Vampire Layer Spike's allowed to have for at least a week.
A kiss on the cheek? I think I liked it better when he was treating me like Miss Hollywood!
"But... I'll go if that's what you really want me t'do."
"You're not going anywhere." I'm not ready to think about what this new life could have in store for me or for Spike, but so far things have been better for us-physically and emotionally-when we stopped fighting each other and let ourselves give this a chance.
"I don't want you to, I was being dumb. Really dumb. Do you think we can just forget about everything bad that I've said or thought about you in the last five minutes?"
I didn't mean it, not if Spike didn't mean what he said the way I thought he did. Everything happening between us is new to me, I guess it's new to him too; we've only be living and unliving for a day. Spike and I clicked so fast that I keep waiting for something to go wrong, and I have to stop doing that. I can't keep expecting the worst to happen, because with the way that things happen around here, sooner or later it will, and I'll have ruined everything I could have had with him in the meantime.
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"Oh thank God," I muttered, then laughed as I stepped closer t'her and pulled her back into my arms, touchin' her hair softly. Yeah, wasn't 'bout t'be goin' on t'her just yet as t'what I was feelin' right now for her, seein' how she'd probably just shake her head and say somethin' along the lines of "We've only been alive for a few days, stop actin' like some bloody lovestruck schoolboy".
Problem was?
That's what I was.
"I don't want you to, I was being dumb. Really dumb. Do you think we can just forget about everything bad that I've said or thought about you in the last five minutes?"
I nodded, finally kissin' her, drinkin' her, takin' every bit of light from her and holdin' it t'me... we fit, y'see. We made sense, more sense than anythin' else 'round here did. She didn't take my shit, and I didn't take hers. Seemed the pair of us were the only ones who felt we could speak our minds - although, I had t'hand it t'Sexy, somehow they actually listened t'her as opposed t'me.
"Already forgotten, luv," I murmured against her lips, walkin' her backwards t'the bed before layin' her down and just... well, worshippin' her, was the only word for it, really. "As long as you forget every daft thing I've said, too."
I pressed my lips against that pulse point in her neck before lickin' it, movin' up t'her lips and then down again as my hands worked at her clothes - slowly, though. Carefully. Not like I didn't want t'rip everythin' off her right then and there or nothin', but...
I was scared. Scared of the way she was makin' me feel, and not entirely sure if she felt that way back. Sure, we'd had our laughs in that elevator and such, and one good night, but I was hopin' that wasn't goin' t'be it.
Yeah, me, plannin' for the future. Imagine that.
After her clothes were a pile on the floor, I covered her body with mine and whispered into her ear, "Goin' t'make sure you don't regret lettin' me stay with you..."
((Fade to Black))
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