(Untitled)

[not_typical]

I wish Angel would have thought to tell me where to get a good cage in Paris. Trying to find one on my own was embarrassing enough. Lying to Jill about what I was doing made me feel even worse. Most of the time she thought that I was spending the night with someone. I made up as many decent excuses as I could think of, but sometimes, you just have

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[not_typical]

"Hello?"

I must have spent ten quiet seconds just thinking about the fact that Angel was on the other end of the line. When Angel gave me the tickets, I never expected to him from him again. I wished that I would; that I'd be looking at a beautiful painting and not notice him standing behind me until he had his arms wrapped around me. Every woman hopes that her hero will show up to sweep her off of her feet. Most of us are smart enough to know that it won't happen, but it doesn't stop us from wanting it.

I still want Angel. I'm not sure if he ever wanted me, but I assume this phone call will help me figure that out.

"Hey, I heard you called."

That's too casual. The last time I talked to him, he didn't think that he was going to survive until the end of the week. I should sound more concerned. I am more concerned. I should sound more concerned because I am concerned and I don't want him to think that I'm being casual about something un-life-threatening.

This is hard. It never seemed this hard when I was hoping for it to happen. Life always has to ruin the good fantasies.

"And I'm glad that you did. I was worried about you."

[the_prodigal]

"Hey, I heard you called. ... And I'm glad that you did. I was worried about you."

... she's being nice. That's only making this harder.

I like Nina. I don't feel about her the way she would like me to, I'll admit... but I like her. She's a nice person. I know that whatever I have to say will only hurt her, no matter how much I try to soften the blow. We both knew from the start that our feelings for each other were very, very different. I don't know if I ever really wanted her... for a little while there, I might have needed her, but need and want are two completely different things.

I know I can't give Nina what she wants from me. I've always known that. There's no way to avoid hurting her with this.

I hate that.

"It's been... an interesting time on this end," I told her honestly. I didn't want to have to explain to her about all that had really happened -- the fighting, the dying, the rising from the dead. It was all too complicated. This situation didn't need any more complications than it already had.

"... how's Paris?"

[not_typical]

"It's been... an interesting time on this end."

Interesting. He must have picked that word because I wouldn't have any idea about what it could mean. It's so broad. Life is interesting. Death is interesting. Getting your ass kicked by your former boss could also be interesting if you wanted it badly enough. When I left, Angel wanted to pick a fight.

I wanted him to pick me. He wanted the violence. That's what I get for dating a vampire.

"Are you okay?"

I won't ask him what happened. Angel would tell me if he wanted to. And I'd be prying if I tried to get an answer out of him that he didn't want to give me. Something tells me I wouldn't be good at it either. He's never had a hard time of changing subjects around me. I think he likes it that way...I'm not a part of his word. When I tried to make him a part of mine, I failed, left, and thought I would never hear from him again.

He sent me away, I figured that meant we were done.

"... how's Paris?"

"It's nice. It could be better."

You could be here with me.

[ttheangeluss]

"Are you okay?"

No, I wasn't okay; I was far from being okay- far from anything that even resembled okay. I had, we had all come back from the dead... and to what, rebuild our lives? Or in my case, my unlife? Help balance the scales of good and evil? Simply because some higher power made a big cosmic mistake somewhere along the lines?

Then there was the death of Gunn. How could we let something like this happen? And right under our noses too. And how could Illyria do something like this? Then again, that wasn't such a far fetched idea, now was it...? Yes, she had been in the thick of it all before we all went down, but that didn't mean she was an ally... or someone we could trust. I was gonna get to the bottom of things. I wasn't going to let Gunn's life be just another statistic for the side of good.

I let out a sigh.

I really wasn't ready for this, to be the bad guy again, but I knew it was something that I had to do. I couldn't put it off any longer. It wasn't fair to Nina, she deserved better, and she deserved someone that could truly love her- completely, and not just be with her out of need. I couldn't give her what she wanted of me. Well, she never asked for anything but, I knew she wanted more than just- this, but I just... didn't love her the way she loved me, not now, maybe not ever, and I couldn't just keep her waiting with empty promises.

Yeah, this would hurt her, but keeping her around with empty hopes that some day I'll come around would hurt her even more in the long run. And I couldn't do that to her.

"Been better. But yeah, I'm okay." Nice and vague.

And of course, I had to ask how she... well, Paris was.

"It's nice. It could be better."

Hmm. At least we were both on the same page there. There's been better days. I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to picture all that I had written before, trying to put words to my thoughts, trying to just say what I had to say and spare her anymore heartache.

I couldn’t continue leading her on. I couldn't keep her waiting for something that would never-

It sucked having a soul.

"That's-- good." I said finally after a short pause.

But I just had to get it done and over with. It was now or never.

"Uhh, Nina, we have to talk,"

[not_typical]

"That's-- good."

The worst is yet to come. Angel is never in a good mood when he has to hesitate like that. He did the same thing after he turned into a puppet. I'm sure he's done it since then too, but the man I was attacted to turning into a puppet sticks in my mind as the most notable pause. I'll never forget that day; I probably couldn't if I wanted to. Still, I'm getting all sorts of bad vibes off of him, and we're thousands of miles away. He's not going to say anything that I've been hoping to hear. I think it's been long enough for me to be ready for it.

"Uhh, Nina, we have to talk."

"Okay...what's on your mind?"

He doesn't seem to understand that I already know what this is about. If he had anything good to say about our relationship, he'd be here, saying it in person. I might not have had the chance to get to know Angel as well as I would have liked to, but I think these kinds of phone calls are things all women know how to predict.

I'm a great person, and it's not him, its me... Honestly, I don't think it had anything to do with either of us. Angel had to fight a battle that I wasn't a part of. That I was glad I wasn't apart of. Maybe I never fit in his world, but I thought we could keep our relationship separate from his work.

When your boyfriend sends you out of town, you tend to realize that you thought wrong.

[ttheangeluss]

I leaned against the wall, my mind quickly running through all the things I needed to say to her. Quickly thought about different ways to say exactly what I wanted to say, and pick out the words I couldn't use.

It had always been my style to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. And it's not like I meant to hurt the ones I cared for, but it just sort of- always turned out that way.

And I did care for her, just not the way she would like me to, but enough to not want to hurt her.

I guess, in the end it really didn't matter how I said things. She was a smart girl, she probably knew it what was coming after that, 'We need to talk,' line. I had sent her over seas with a promise to return to her if everything went well... and if I came out of it alive... or, well, huh, in one piece.

And here I was... in one piece... Even after my dust had settled in the pavement in the back of that alley. And everything had gone exactly how I thought it would. Not that I was a pessimist, but I knew it was a suicide mission. The kind of mission you just don't walk away from. We all knew it. And in the end we all went out with a bang. But, I guess, someone thought the bang wasn't quite loud enough, so... here we were, and there she was, a whole ocean apart.

She was going to be hurt, one way or another. Better now, than later, though.

"Okay...what's on your mind?"

Hmm. A lot. Everything... What was on my mind?

"Look, Nina, I know this isn't the best time or the best way to do this- but, I think," What did I think? "I- think- that maybe..." I trailed off. I just wasn't good at this kind of stuff.

I let out a long sigh, and tried again.

"Nina, you're a great gal, but I just- I'm not right for you. You deserve so much better, you deserve someone that can give you more than what I can offer." After those first few words, everything seemed much simpler. "I care about you, I care about a lot, but, I'm not what you're looking for..."