Judgement

[not_the_shell]

I was moving towards one of the enclosed spaces upstairs, when the newly-mortal thing shrieked below me.

"EVERYBODY COME QUICK!!! ILLYRIA KILLED GUNN!!!!!!!!"

"Fool."

Yet, they gathered. I stood apart from them upstairs, watching them mewl about, whispering so loudly it made my head ache. They believed...believed"No

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[not_the_shell]

"You're wrong about all of it. I loved...love all of them... So maybe... Wesley is the only one that matters to you."

My motions stopped and for one infinitesimal moment, I considered her words. Wesley had mattered to me - once. I had mourned his death, had shed human tears that were my own over the loss of his life, had avenged his murder.

But it did not matter any longer, for why should a God-King bother with mortals who would rather attempt to reduce her greatness to nothing than attempt to befriend her?

"Perhaps I once did," I answered her, "but that moment is long gone, lost to the winds of time when you were brought forward." And I became nothing once more, I thought angrily, my fists balling ever tighter lest I strike her down before I was ready to do so.

For I wished her to suffer as I had.

She dared to move closer to me so that I would catch her words... idiot. I knew already what she thought and wished, her words screamed in my skull and tore at my heart! One fist slowly rose upward...

"You're lying, it was your sarcophagus, you that clawed at me from the inside out, your grave that became mine. You killed me."

My hand suddenly stopped and I decided that should I fall to my death before these vermin, then so would she. Even if it was by leaving her alive and mewling, crying, sobbing, clinging to herself.

Yes. Torture would suit her well.

"I did nothing of the sort, but it appears you are uninformed of your own death," I replied coolly, my plan in motion. "The vampires sought to stop me from taking you and they chose not to do so. Yes, little one, chose! Ask them, they shall not deny the truth in my words."

One hand rested upon her shoulder as our eyes remained locked.

"Gunn also chose. He chose to receive knowledge in exchange for allowing my sarcophagus to enter your land. Wesley chose! He held you as your life force left the vessel and when the time came to murder me, he chose to remain by my side! No one cared, little one, that you had gone! All the half-breeds and mortals cared about was that their precious kingdom was safe..."

The hand on her shoulder slowly moved toward her neck.

"And they shall not care again..."

[_fredless]

"Perhaps I once did. But that moment is long gone, lost to the winds of time when you were brought forward."

Something bitter rose up in my throat....jeaoulsy tinged with other things I couldn't quite name. It burned as I tried to swallow it all back down.

Illyria had cared for Wesley, and I couldn't shake the feeling that she somehow still did. My thoughts fluttered wildly, as I tried to decide if I knew this because Illyria was letting me just that far in, or because no matter how much we both wished it...she couldn't keep me out.

I pressed one hand deep against my stomach, sure that Illyria must have struck me just then...but she hadn't. My eyes widened when I realized it was only knowledge that had struck me so fiercely.

That string I felt from before...that thread? That was her. Illyria. We were tied together, and even though the connection was as knotted and twisted as it was, it was still there.

Why did it have to be there?

I didn't want it to be there.

I was still staring into her eyes....

"I did nothing of the sort, but it appears you are uninformed of your own death. The vampires sought to stop me from taking you and they chose not to do so. Yes, little one, chose! Ask them, they shall not deny the truth in my words."

I believed her. I believed in so few things anymore...but somehow I believed her. Maybe it was the thread. Maybe it was because I couldn't get out of those eyes. Maybe it was because I couldn't remember the last time I had breathed...but I believed her.

Because it was something they would have done. It was what they did. It was what we did. The battles we fought...before? Those hurt, they scarred. But it was the decisions that destroyed, year by year. I knew...I had lived through it.

And perhaps died from it...I had been destroyed as well.

"Gunn also chose. He chose to receive knowledge in exchange for allowing my sarcophagus to enter your land. Wesley chose! He held you as your life force left the vessel and when the time came to murder me, he chose to remain by my side! No one cared, little one, that you had gone! All the half-breeds and mortals cared about was that their precious kingdom was safe...And they shall not care again..."

I hated all of them, but just for a moment. I hated them for not telling me these things....each and every ugly detail. I hated them for protecting me right right into the corner...and hallway...I was standing it now. I hated them for trying to take care of me instead of just care for me enough to speak of what happened.

And then it all went away. It took root inside me and lived there just like she had for a while, before I took charge and pushed all of it out. It left and there I was standing in front of Illyria...akwardly alone and with only one choice.

To accept the blame and hurt and ugliness...to take away the sharpest weapon Illyria had.

"They didn't have to care," I finally answered her back. "But they had to go on. That is what I would have wanted, what I do want...so maybe that was there way of caring. But even if it wasn't, it wasn't their fault. Not Charles or Wesley or Angel or Spike," I pulled in air, and it felt colder just for being near Illyria. "It was mine. No matter how or why you ended up in my lab....I was the one who set you free."

I could feel Illyria's hand creeping up towards my neck.

"My fault...." It was all I seemed to be able to say for a moment, the thought repeating. "Mine."

"And they shall not care again..."

"They won't have to," my voice came back in full force again as I spun away from Illyria, breaking our connection and placing the ax I held firmly between us.

"Because I don't intend to make it so easy this time."

[not_the_shell]

She appeared uncertain of her next move, and then her words spilled forth like blood on the battlefield - beautiful in their anger and destruction.

Pity she was my enemy.

"It wasn't their fault. Not Charles or Wesley or Angel or Spike. It was mine. No matter how or why you ended up in my lab....I was the one who set you free."

I canted my head at her. Odd that she would accept blame, yet I sensed the truth. A smile crossed my features for a moment, then vanished into the air.

"You are correct," I whispered to her as my mouth moved ever closer to her ear again, telling her the truths she did not wish to know, did not wish to hear. "You set me free, therefore... I do not understand your anger. Nor do I see the previous logic where you blamed me for your death. As you can clearly see, as you so pointedly stated... it is you who is to blame. Not me."

She broke contact, the puny weapon between us a mirror of when Wesley had attempted to end my existence before.

"I don't intend to make it so easy this time."

I would have laughed if that human emotion was available to me.

"Very well, little one. Murder me. Murder me as you say I did so to Gunn. Murder me... and become me," I challenged.

[_fredless]

"You are correct. You set me free, therefore... I do not understand your anger. Nor do I see the previous logic where you blamed me for your death. As you can clearly see, as you so pointedly stated... it is you who is to blame. Not me."

"Because I can," I spat back, surprised at the venom I heard in my voice...even though I knew exactly where it came from. "Because I can say the words...because I can feel them even though they make no logical sense. They don't always do. They are just there, inside me. And inside place you wouldn't know anything about because you ate it all away."

I shifted my eyes from hers, tilting them downwards to study the way the light bent and refracted off of the honed edge of Charles' ax. I twisted its handle... never loosing sight of the blade as I continued talking.

"You cut all of that out of me and maybe I shouldn't....no, I can. I hate you for it. I hate you for every last feeling that you tore away, even if I know it is useless to feel that way because you will never understand what it means. But I can't stop feeling that way and more than they could save me, or I could save myself."

What made it worse is I wasn't just speaking about emptiness. I was remembering it. What I had felt right at the end. That feeling had been the only one I was glad to let go of...the only one that did shatter what remained of me to say goodbye to. And now I had to relive it every time I looked at Illyria.

How was I supposed not to hate her? How could I possibly do what Wesley and Angel asked?

"Very well, little one. Murder me. Murder me as you say I did so to Gunn. Murder me... and become me.

My eyes studied every aspect of her form....her body. Only the ax kept me from feeling like I was gazing into a mirror.

"Maybe," was all I could whisper. "Maybe...just as soon as I figure out how."

I took one step closer.