Somewhere Only We Know [a Ninomiya Kazunari love story] - Chapter 44, part 1
Somewhere Only We Know, Chapter 44, part 1
Pairing: Ninomiya Kazunari/OC
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own anything of Arashi or Johnny's Entertainment. Sorry if I misuse some Japanese phrases.
Summary:
When you've been alone for so long, sometimes you forget that you're lost. But if one day you brush across another hand grappling in the dark - if you dare to take it and hold on tight - you just might find the way out together. Love, in the end, is what saves us all; if you're brave enough you'll find it, and if you're crazy enough it just might stay.
All previous chapters in the master post!
-----------
It was like he had suddenly woken up from a dream, staring up into an empty ceiling in a numb trance. Where there used to hang photographs and dainty lights, there were blank white walls wiped of character. In the stood the refrigerator Ninomiya Kazunari had once repaired, efficiently cold and now barren. The hallways in which Shimada Yuri’s low, humming song used to echo were merely filled with startlingly cold air. Feeling as if she were playing a cruel game of hide and seek Nino circled about each empty room several times - waiting any moment for her to pop up and surprise him with a hug - and each futile time around, his stomach twisted tighter and tighter.
A shiver suddenly overcame his weak body; the chill had finally penetrated his bones, and his sharp wit swiftly registered that the large rectangular hole in the wall most likely meant that Yuri’s apartment had yet again misbehaved. Taking deep breaths, he told himself this was a fair explanation. After all, last time when the leaking pipes had flooded her place she had taken refuge in his abode, so that is where she must have gone. He rushed out.
credit: milkyr on Tumblr
But what he found back in his kitchen was the only message Yuri had wanted to leave - a meager box of handmade Valentine’s butter cookies gone stale. Nino gently picked one up to only have it crumble onto the counter. He moved to wipe the crumbs when he froze; the dainty, glimmering earring sent a dagger of panic through his chest, followed by a gush of guilt spilling forth.
Yuri knew. For how long had she suffered with a smile? Why hadn’t she cursed him out and made him defend himself? But if she had… what could he possibly say?
He knew he didn’t deserve to make another attempt to call her. Besides, he had no explanation to possibly give. By choosing to not choose what he already had in order to try to save what had already been lost, he was now left with nothing. All he could truly say was that he hadn’t meant to cause any harm.
That evening, instead, the man flipped through the countless photos he had taken of Yuri - big smiles, candid laughter, disapproving frowns. Many were captured unawares - soft pensive profiles, close ups of her peacefully asleep, when she hadn’t realized that someone in that moment was thinking how beautiful she was. There had been tears and insults and silences in between, but these were the memories he chose to keep safe.
--------
Perched on the windowsill, Shimada Yuri stared out at the new panorama of the city below. Now instead of a glimpse of the red Tokyo Tower there wound a lazy canal that sparkled in the sunlight. There was no longer a balcony to carry out private neighborhood serenades but the tree outside her bedroom window housed sparrows that rose in cheerful song each morning. Although she had to find a new jogging route, it was still an easy distance to her favorite spots - just from the opposite direction. She could not yet name the buildings or maneuver the streets without help, but she knew that in time it would become familiar. Beginnings like this always felt boundless.
The fleeting days had been so demanding, from dropping her mother off at the airport, to searching for a new home and moving and unpacking all her belongings, to meetings with Manager Anzai about numerous job prospects. Not long after the premiere, by request of Nomura Kazuhide, Yuri had dined with none other than the real-life Sugase Yukino. Her mind kept turning in slow spirals as she overturned all that had been said.
All heads in the restaurant had craned over to see the young actress, whose face had been plastered on every headline and newspaper that day, sitting across from an equally elegant, grey-haired woman with a similar air of curiosity in her intelligent eyes.
While deciding on their lunch orders in silence, Yuri glanced up from the top of her menu in fascination, hardly comprehending how she was sitting across from her character’s embodiment. Even after all these years, Sugase Yukino was just as Nomura-san had so devotedly described in his novel - despite a delicate exterior, her gaze emanated an almost intimidating resolution.
“When I left decades ago, most Japanese chefs were still too shy to venture into fusion cuisine.” Sugase-san chuckled lightly. “Now all of these items are amazingly creative. Matcha pasteis de nata? Boeuf bourguignon with taro and daikon? Sugoi.”
“Nomura-san always said how talented of a chef you were yourself. He would always speak very highly of you in general.”
Sugase-san’s brows raised in amazement, and Yuri worried that she had spoken out of line.
“My husband has told me much about you as well, Shimada-san, including about how much you brightened up the movie set.”
Yuri blushed.
“I was also told that he chose you for the role because of how much you reminded him of me.” she continued. “Although to be frank I am not sure how similar we are, other than our sincerity - and perhaps our impulsivity. Besides, I was never a beauty like you.”
“Iye…”
“And Ninomiya Kazunari-san is definitely much better looking and charismatic than my husband ever was.”
“Was the film different than you expected? I hope we did not impose too much of our own interpretation.”
“Not at all. You see, our separation was a very long time ago and part of me does not remember the truth about how I acted or felt during that time; when you replay things over and over again they can become distorted… so in a sense, having you two interact by instinct was the most honest portrayal it could have been. To see again through your lens of youth what it was like to experience that joy and that heartbreak… maybe that was the most authentic it could have been. I am grateful for that.” She grew quieter, lips turned upward in a pensive, wistful curve. “In some strange sense my younger brokenness was validated. I don’t know if that makes any sense. Thank you, Shimada-san, for helping to tell our story so well.”
So much peace shone forth in the woman’s words, to be able to speak forthright about her deepest scar without asking for life to have marked her differently. She had found the lesson in it and come full circle to the beginning as a different person. This was the sentiment that Yuri, all those months ago, had hoped to one day believe in - and now she supposed that she was beginning to understand.
Even when the food arrived as a distraction, one question still simmered.
“Sugase-san, if I may ask,” Yuri could not help but burst forth, “You still refer to Nomura-san as your husband… Why did you not get a divorce?”
“Ahh, good question; probably because we were too scared to take that last step…” she trailed off with a sigh. “I suppose we knew we could not bring ourselves to love anyone else. None of our decisions - him courting me for money, and I leaving with our daughter - none of them fooled us deep down, and yet we still went through with them. How foolish, ne? Decades of stubbornness.”
“Not a lot of people can say that.” Yuri managed, trying her best not to outright disagree. “Most of the time, actions show true intention.”
“Mochiron, but when you sincerely know someone, you can tell which is which - mistake versus deliberation. And the consequent choices are often made out of pride and denial, too. Both forgiveness and rejection can be given selfishly.”
A tiny crack in Yuri’s heart seemed to break off and float to the floor as she soaked in these words. The wisdom was evident, but she knew what it would have to mean for her if she acknowledged it.
Sugase Yukino understood that the novel Shiawase Na No Ni was capable of stirring the conscience of those who encountered it at the proper time, and then here was one who had very near lived it through. She smiled kindly, noting the inner struggle of Yuri’s resilient spirit, and could see a transformation in the making.
“So, Shimada-san, what does the future hold for you? What are you hoping for next?”
There was no answer for that question. What had her whole career been, apart from random chances thrown her way? All of the praise for her acting had left Yuri feeling like a fraud; she had truly been in love, and they had simply managed to capture it on film. How could there be any strength left in her to do something like that again?
Truth be told she had waited. Waited for a message, a call to beg her for forgiveness even though she had no more grace to give. Enduringly she waited for Nino to come find her… but he never showed. Inevitably his face appeared everywhere, from glimpses on the television which she stared at before quickly skipping over, to billboards and grocery store food packaging, and of course Nino did not falter and did his job as charmingly as ever. Nothing ever phased him, even losing her.
For a little while Yuri tried to do the same, but the impervious role did not suit her heart that pounded at the seams. That was just who she was - someone who embraced pain like an old acquaintance, let it stay a little while, then let it go. All heartbreaks had to pass in time. So when she was asked to perform Shiawase’s theme song on Music Lovers, she did not want to hide.
----------
Nino had always hated being busy, perhaps even more than he loved making money because of it. He needed to have a few free nights to laze around as he pleased. Who could blame him, with how packed Arashi’s schedule was already? But when Nippon TV had proposed a brand new program that would be his very own that he could plan and do with what he wished, he was startled by the excited 'Yes' that burst from his lips. Once upon a time he had almost quit Johnny’s in order to pursue film school, after all, but hadn’t he relinquished that dream the minute he debuted? Then he remembered what Yuri had once told him. “Arashi does amazing things, Ninomiya-kun, but you have a lot to offer just by being you. You can give things a go and be creative if you want… What would you say, if you could send your very own message out to the world?”
So with preparation in full swing, Nino met with the producers at NTV station. Budding with all sorts of ideas for Nino-san, he had to fight against the reality that his famous face was the first selling point. He knew that to make this his own narrative and not just be the puppet, he would have to understand the behind-the-scenes as well.
The major control room buzzed with dozens of small screens that each displayed numerous angles of one space, cameras constantly shifting from the audience to the stage to create a cohesive story. The idol’s chest swelled as he envisioned all the possibilities. All his life he had obediently followed other’s visions without any opinion of his own. Where was this drive coming from? Nino took diligent notes as the staff shared their expertise.
“See here; this music show recording is different than a talk show but it’s still essentially the same. We try to capture the best points and retrospectively put it together again. You can incorporate all sorts of ‘points of view’ which makes it interesting…”
The man nodded along and fondly watched the Music Lovers stage in transition; he had been on the other side of the screen countless times. Then his stomach leaped in his throat when he saw Shimada Yuri take a seat on the white couches. She gave a brave bow to the cameras and began the chat with the hosts, but he knew that internally she was doing all she could to hold it together.
“What’s going on?” Nino muttered gravely.
“Hai?”
He wheeled around to his manager, seething. “You never told me Yuri was-- Why is she there?”
Manager Satake sighed complacently. “You know full well that Johnny-san does not allow small-scale live collaborations.”
“You - you can’t let her do that alone!”
“… The very last time I performed as part of Jolie, I almost lost it. The cold sweat, gagging… In a split second I could feel all the hate flooding around me when I made the announcement I was quitting the group. People threw all sorts of things as far as they could towards us… I’ve never been able to be up on a stage by myself since then.”
All the staff around him blinked in concern. “Ninomiya-san…?”
Eyes like daggers and knuckles pure white, he paced in front of the monitors. He heard all too clear her hollow, forced laughter in their banter, and watched with prayers under his breath.
Then with one disclosure, Yuri’s calm mask suddenly wiped away.
“… Eh?” her voice grew extra quiet. “He - he wrote it? I thought Katsumi Rina-san…”
“Yes, you didn’t know? Ninomiya-san has always been quite the talented lyricist.”
She swallowed several times, completely lost for words.
Nino winced. Don’t crumble now, Yuri, please.
Cognizant of her swift change in mood, the host wisely decided to cut the interview portion short and directed a mute Yuri to the stage. The lights and cameras shifted like clockwork. Nino couldn’t watch any longer.
He ran.
-------
My heart hurts writing this T__T why do I do this to myself? Hope the long chapter makes up a little for the wait~
Pairing: Ninomiya Kazunari/OC
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own anything of Arashi or Johnny's Entertainment. Sorry if I misuse some Japanese phrases.
Summary:
When you've been alone for so long, sometimes you forget that you're lost. But if one day you brush across another hand grappling in the dark - if you dare to take it and hold on tight - you just might find the way out together. Love, in the end, is what saves us all; if you're brave enough you'll find it, and if you're crazy enough it just might stay.
All previous chapters in the master post!
-----------
It was like he had suddenly woken up from a dream, staring up into an empty ceiling in a numb trance. Where there used to hang photographs and dainty lights, there were blank white walls wiped of character. In the stood the refrigerator Ninomiya Kazunari had once repaired, efficiently cold and now barren. The hallways in which Shimada Yuri’s low, humming song used to echo were merely filled with startlingly cold air. Feeling as if she were playing a cruel game of hide and seek Nino circled about each empty room several times - waiting any moment for her to pop up and surprise him with a hug - and each futile time around, his stomach twisted tighter and tighter.
A shiver suddenly overcame his weak body; the chill had finally penetrated his bones, and his sharp wit swiftly registered that the large rectangular hole in the wall most likely meant that Yuri’s apartment had yet again misbehaved. Taking deep breaths, he told himself this was a fair explanation. After all, last time when the leaking pipes had flooded her place she had taken refuge in his abode, so that is where she must have gone. He rushed out.
credit: milkyr on Tumblr
But what he found back in his kitchen was the only message Yuri had wanted to leave - a meager box of handmade Valentine’s butter cookies gone stale. Nino gently picked one up to only have it crumble onto the counter. He moved to wipe the crumbs when he froze; the dainty, glimmering earring sent a dagger of panic through his chest, followed by a gush of guilt spilling forth.
Yuri knew. For how long had she suffered with a smile? Why hadn’t she cursed him out and made him defend himself? But if she had… what could he possibly say?
He knew he didn’t deserve to make another attempt to call her. Besides, he had no explanation to possibly give. By choosing to not choose what he already had in order to try to save what had already been lost, he was now left with nothing. All he could truly say was that he hadn’t meant to cause any harm.
That evening, instead, the man flipped through the countless photos he had taken of Yuri - big smiles, candid laughter, disapproving frowns. Many were captured unawares - soft pensive profiles, close ups of her peacefully asleep, when she hadn’t realized that someone in that moment was thinking how beautiful she was. There had been tears and insults and silences in between, but these were the memories he chose to keep safe.
--------
Perched on the windowsill, Shimada Yuri stared out at the new panorama of the city below. Now instead of a glimpse of the red Tokyo Tower there wound a lazy canal that sparkled in the sunlight. There was no longer a balcony to carry out private neighborhood serenades but the tree outside her bedroom window housed sparrows that rose in cheerful song each morning. Although she had to find a new jogging route, it was still an easy distance to her favorite spots - just from the opposite direction. She could not yet name the buildings or maneuver the streets without help, but she knew that in time it would become familiar. Beginnings like this always felt boundless.
The fleeting days had been so demanding, from dropping her mother off at the airport, to searching for a new home and moving and unpacking all her belongings, to meetings with Manager Anzai about numerous job prospects. Not long after the premiere, by request of Nomura Kazuhide, Yuri had dined with none other than the real-life Sugase Yukino. Her mind kept turning in slow spirals as she overturned all that had been said.
All heads in the restaurant had craned over to see the young actress, whose face had been plastered on every headline and newspaper that day, sitting across from an equally elegant, grey-haired woman with a similar air of curiosity in her intelligent eyes.
While deciding on their lunch orders in silence, Yuri glanced up from the top of her menu in fascination, hardly comprehending how she was sitting across from her character’s embodiment. Even after all these years, Sugase Yukino was just as Nomura-san had so devotedly described in his novel - despite a delicate exterior, her gaze emanated an almost intimidating resolution.
“When I left decades ago, most Japanese chefs were still too shy to venture into fusion cuisine.” Sugase-san chuckled lightly. “Now all of these items are amazingly creative. Matcha pasteis de nata? Boeuf bourguignon with taro and daikon? Sugoi.”
“Nomura-san always said how talented of a chef you were yourself. He would always speak very highly of you in general.”
Sugase-san’s brows raised in amazement, and Yuri worried that she had spoken out of line.
“My husband has told me much about you as well, Shimada-san, including about how much you brightened up the movie set.”
Yuri blushed.
“I was also told that he chose you for the role because of how much you reminded him of me.” she continued. “Although to be frank I am not sure how similar we are, other than our sincerity - and perhaps our impulsivity. Besides, I was never a beauty like you.”
“Iye…”
“And Ninomiya Kazunari-san is definitely much better looking and charismatic than my husband ever was.”
“Was the film different than you expected? I hope we did not impose too much of our own interpretation.”
“Not at all. You see, our separation was a very long time ago and part of me does not remember the truth about how I acted or felt during that time; when you replay things over and over again they can become distorted… so in a sense, having you two interact by instinct was the most honest portrayal it could have been. To see again through your lens of youth what it was like to experience that joy and that heartbreak… maybe that was the most authentic it could have been. I am grateful for that.” She grew quieter, lips turned upward in a pensive, wistful curve. “In some strange sense my younger brokenness was validated. I don’t know if that makes any sense. Thank you, Shimada-san, for helping to tell our story so well.”
So much peace shone forth in the woman’s words, to be able to speak forthright about her deepest scar without asking for life to have marked her differently. She had found the lesson in it and come full circle to the beginning as a different person. This was the sentiment that Yuri, all those months ago, had hoped to one day believe in - and now she supposed that she was beginning to understand.
Even when the food arrived as a distraction, one question still simmered.
“Sugase-san, if I may ask,” Yuri could not help but burst forth, “You still refer to Nomura-san as your husband… Why did you not get a divorce?”
“Ahh, good question; probably because we were too scared to take that last step…” she trailed off with a sigh. “I suppose we knew we could not bring ourselves to love anyone else. None of our decisions - him courting me for money, and I leaving with our daughter - none of them fooled us deep down, and yet we still went through with them. How foolish, ne? Decades of stubbornness.”
“Not a lot of people can say that.” Yuri managed, trying her best not to outright disagree. “Most of the time, actions show true intention.”
“Mochiron, but when you sincerely know someone, you can tell which is which - mistake versus deliberation. And the consequent choices are often made out of pride and denial, too. Both forgiveness and rejection can be given selfishly.”
A tiny crack in Yuri’s heart seemed to break off and float to the floor as she soaked in these words. The wisdom was evident, but she knew what it would have to mean for her if she acknowledged it.
Sugase Yukino understood that the novel Shiawase Na No Ni was capable of stirring the conscience of those who encountered it at the proper time, and then here was one who had very near lived it through. She smiled kindly, noting the inner struggle of Yuri’s resilient spirit, and could see a transformation in the making.
“So, Shimada-san, what does the future hold for you? What are you hoping for next?”
There was no answer for that question. What had her whole career been, apart from random chances thrown her way? All of the praise for her acting had left Yuri feeling like a fraud; she had truly been in love, and they had simply managed to capture it on film. How could there be any strength left in her to do something like that again?
Truth be told she had waited. Waited for a message, a call to beg her for forgiveness even though she had no more grace to give. Enduringly she waited for Nino to come find her… but he never showed. Inevitably his face appeared everywhere, from glimpses on the television which she stared at before quickly skipping over, to billboards and grocery store food packaging, and of course Nino did not falter and did his job as charmingly as ever. Nothing ever phased him, even losing her.
For a little while Yuri tried to do the same, but the impervious role did not suit her heart that pounded at the seams. That was just who she was - someone who embraced pain like an old acquaintance, let it stay a little while, then let it go. All heartbreaks had to pass in time. So when she was asked to perform Shiawase’s theme song on Music Lovers, she did not want to hide.
----------
Nino had always hated being busy, perhaps even more than he loved making money because of it. He needed to have a few free nights to laze around as he pleased. Who could blame him, with how packed Arashi’s schedule was already? But when Nippon TV had proposed a brand new program that would be his very own that he could plan and do with what he wished, he was startled by the excited 'Yes' that burst from his lips. Once upon a time he had almost quit Johnny’s in order to pursue film school, after all, but hadn’t he relinquished that dream the minute he debuted? Then he remembered what Yuri had once told him. “Arashi does amazing things, Ninomiya-kun, but you have a lot to offer just by being you. You can give things a go and be creative if you want… What would you say, if you could send your very own message out to the world?”
So with preparation in full swing, Nino met with the producers at NTV station. Budding with all sorts of ideas for Nino-san, he had to fight against the reality that his famous face was the first selling point. He knew that to make this his own narrative and not just be the puppet, he would have to understand the behind-the-scenes as well.
The major control room buzzed with dozens of small screens that each displayed numerous angles of one space, cameras constantly shifting from the audience to the stage to create a cohesive story. The idol’s chest swelled as he envisioned all the possibilities. All his life he had obediently followed other’s visions without any opinion of his own. Where was this drive coming from? Nino took diligent notes as the staff shared their expertise.
“See here; this music show recording is different than a talk show but it’s still essentially the same. We try to capture the best points and retrospectively put it together again. You can incorporate all sorts of ‘points of view’ which makes it interesting…”
The man nodded along and fondly watched the Music Lovers stage in transition; he had been on the other side of the screen countless times. Then his stomach leaped in his throat when he saw Shimada Yuri take a seat on the white couches. She gave a brave bow to the cameras and began the chat with the hosts, but he knew that internally she was doing all she could to hold it together.
“What’s going on?” Nino muttered gravely.
“Hai?”
He wheeled around to his manager, seething. “You never told me Yuri was-- Why is she there?”
Manager Satake sighed complacently. “You know full well that Johnny-san does not allow small-scale live collaborations.”
“You - you can’t let her do that alone!”
“… The very last time I performed as part of Jolie, I almost lost it. The cold sweat, gagging… In a split second I could feel all the hate flooding around me when I made the announcement I was quitting the group. People threw all sorts of things as far as they could towards us… I’ve never been able to be up on a stage by myself since then.”
All the staff around him blinked in concern. “Ninomiya-san…?”
Eyes like daggers and knuckles pure white, he paced in front of the monitors. He heard all too clear her hollow, forced laughter in their banter, and watched with prayers under his breath.
Then with one disclosure, Yuri’s calm mask suddenly wiped away.
“… Eh?” her voice grew extra quiet. “He - he wrote it? I thought Katsumi Rina-san…”
“Yes, you didn’t know? Ninomiya-san has always been quite the talented lyricist.”
She swallowed several times, completely lost for words.
Nino winced. Don’t crumble now, Yuri, please.
Cognizant of her swift change in mood, the host wisely decided to cut the interview portion short and directed a mute Yuri to the stage. The lights and cameras shifted like clockwork. Nino couldn’t watch any longer.
He ran.
-------
My heart hurts writing this T__T why do I do this to myself? Hope the long chapter makes up a little for the wait~