Query Letter
In the writing community nothing imparts more fear than two little words: query letter (unless of course the word after is synopsis). So SA edits are complete. And I'm excited for the next step. I'm writing and polishing my synopsis and have decided to share my query letter in the hopes the generous writing community I love so much might grace me
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on to the critique.
I read this out loud and had some trouble with a few sentences.
"In the months after her release, Ray’s assures herself she’s cured."
You've got an apostrophe-s after "Ray" and I don't think that should be there. It made me stutter when reading aloud. It's also slightly awkward. I... don't like suggesting things, but well, here's my suggetested fix:
"After months without incident, Ray is assured her sanity has been restored."
"The first is no ordinary angel; he has midnight wings and a nasty attitude. The second, posing as a new student at her school, appears more normal with his white wings, but shows too much interest in Rayna for her liking."
These two sentences are also awkward to read aloud.
My suggestion:
"The first angel is far from ordinary; with midnight wings and a nasty attitude. The second, while appearing to be a normal student to others, is far too interested in Rayna for her comfort."
"One by one, her classmates turn up dead, each seeming to have committed suicide. But the victims all drew the same image of an angel not long before their deaths. As the only one who can see angels for what they really are, Ray vows to get answers, and end the killings before anyone else gets hurt."
My suggestion:
"When a rash of apparent suicides begins to spread through her school, leaving a similar drawing of an angel as the only cue, Rayna is convinced the angels have something to do with it. Imbued with determination to end the senseless death and find answers for her own hauntings, Rayna must face her fears, and let go of the sanity she so desperately clings to."
I hope my suggestions help, though I've never written a query letter before, so I really have no idea if anything I've said is really of any use.
But in short, what I'm really getting at is that your sentences are a little choppy and while the concept is interesting, I feel that the query itself is not making the book sound as exciting as I think it probably is.
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