yay for vacation!
tommorrow i will be on a plane with mike to disneyworld! this is the first real vacation we have both had in a few years. its gonna be cool, also the first time i have ever flown on a plane without my mommy. ha im a little nervous because i had to plan the whole thing, i just hope everything goes ok. it just sucks because the last time i flew on a plane the security and airport thing wasnt such a fucking chore. now you have to go there like 5 hours early so they can check everything. it blows. plus whats this crap about no liquids? thats just dumb. i cant even bring my chapstick with me, i have to put it in the suitcase. thats just plain stupid. can you see the headlines now??? WOMAN ATTACKS PLANE WITH CHAPSTICK!!!!....i mean really. LAME. but anyway. hopefully everything gets to disney ok. but just in case im bringing blankie with me in my carry on. cuz i cant lose him. ha. im such a dork! how do you all deal with me? but i cant help it, blankie is cool as shit. and my psych prof last year said that having comfort objects was a healthy thing and everyone was like yay cuz i have a teddy bear or a blankie or whatever. so im not the only one! lol.
wow, sorry to go off on a tangent there...
back to reality, im off of work until the 8th which is sooooo exciting. seeing as acme is getting worse. people are quitting left and right, the manager is scaring all the good workers away and the drama has reached a fever pitch. i flipped out on a coworker the other day because i was sick of the way he was harrassing me...he would try to feel me up, actually suceeded a few times, and ask me to have sex with him like every 5 seconds and be his thing on the side. yes he had a girlfriend. his first serious one since he started working at acme. so i told him i was sick of it and was thinking about going to his girlfriend but decided not to make things worse, then i ran to the bathroom and burst into tears and called mike. yeah he got the reaction he wanted but i tried everything else, i tried joking back, ignoring him, telling him off, pretending nothing was happening. but nothing worked. and i was sick of being treated like a piece of meat by someone who was supposed to be my friend but would just as easily insult me or tell me to shut the fuck up in front of everyone. honestly, he made aj look like the best guy in the world. and he wasnt even my boyfriend. i guess it was his way of saying he liked me like when your 5 and you pull the hair and tease the girl you like or whatever. but hes 21. so after almost 2 years of this i finally snapped. and everyone yelled at me for giving in and letting him get to me but seriously, when something just happens that long and so frequently you snap. and what kind of person goes home and says to themselves, let me just pound on this person until they crumble? especially if you want them to like you...that is not a good strategy. so the other day i was talking to him about work things and i threw in the classic, so now you hate me? line and the conversation went like this...
"so do you still hate me?"
"ask me another time"
"im going on vacation so you wont have to deal with me for awhile"
"good riddance"
"you know i realize that i did get out of line by freaking out on you like that but i was just sick of it and i didnt know what to do. everything else didnt work. just remember that i didnt go to your gf when i easily could have"
"i have sources everywhere and multiple people told me about it because you talked about it to everyone"
"everything i told them i told you but if you dont want to talk to me anymore thats fine, if you want to hate me cuz i freaked out thats fine...i guess we were never really friends in the first place then if your just going to stop talking to me because of that"
"am i talking to you now?"
"so your still mad"
"ask me later"
"i guess thats a yes"
"ask me later"
~then i went to go put the chickens in the warmer and he comes up to me and says~
"if you really want to make it up to me you can give me a handjob...(the gf) is at work tonight. do you have your car here?"
"nope mike is picking me up. and why do you want that?"
"it will make me feel better"
welcome to my life. just having a conversation with this boy is so frustrating because he never gives a straight answer. ever. so im done. im sick of trying to find friends when no one seems to want to relate to me. they act all nice to my face and bullshit about me behind my back. if you have something to say to me, say it to my face, if you dont like me fine. tell me. dont drag me around making me think we're friends if all you want is sex. because you wont get it. im not like that. and i never will be. everyone acts all tough and says yeah if i have a problem with someone i tell them to their face...but no one seems to. i guess they dont have balls. people need to grow up. seriously. and im sick of telling them how they should act. so im just done. ill go to work, do the job, and go home. and just not care. im done. its kinda sad because everytime i joked with him about shit like that he was so nice to me and acted like a real friend but now that he cant say anything sexual to me anymore, he has nothing to say to me. its a shame because i know he really is a nice guy but he never seems to be able to stay that way...hes better than this but he chooses the easy way out. and its just upsetting when people, especially people that you are supposed to be friends with dont live up to their full potential. i hope he realizes that hes great and changes and has a good life...but how do i get in these situations? why cant i just be left alone and happy with mike? why do i have to deal with the bullshit these people throw at me? why cant i find any more real friends? is it me? i really dont know. hopefully ill feel better after vacation.
sorry for the downer ending but things have just been bugging me lately, not just this, but family issues like my relationship with my parents, school and paying for it and looking for an apartment and paying for it and just not having enough money in general. and trying to balance school and the future i want for myself and the life with mike that i want. its just getting to me and im sorry if sometimes i rant. but im trying here...i really am. im trying to work thru it and achieve the goals i set for myself. but sometimes its hard and theres nothing you can do but just work thru it and keep on going. i cant sit around and dwell. i just cant anymore.
in other news, i love mike so much as always. hes just been really great with everything thats going on. hes just there for me whenever i need him and so supportive in everything i do. and just loves me flaws and all. and makes me feel so amazing and beautiful its just awesome. and i cant wait for this vacation because its going to be so romantic and i have the best person to share it with. my love of my life, my everything, my future husband, my soulmate, my iz biz, my michael. i love you. i want to be with you forever and always. you have made my life so much better and make me want to get up every morning and thank whoever that i have you. thank you for showing me what true love is and making all my dreams come true. i love you.
<3 Alyson