(no subject)
I hate coming across people that make me feel less good about myself.
I'm not as good at something as I thought I was, and they out-do me with bullshit. It makes me feel useless and kind of unworthy of people's time. Is that strange?
Is it strange that I hate the fact that I never had any profound thoughts anymore, and I have to have other people turn on the light in my head? Nothing ever hits me hard until someone else fuckin comes to the epiphany first, then all the sudden it's like I've hit a brick wall.
My brain stands up and goes "Ooooooooh..." shakes his head and kinda laughs at how blind he was.
"I dont know how I missed that one" He says. and then he feels bad because the person who shoved that beautiful, profound, glorious epiphany into his little gray-matter face was someone he loathes. Sorry brain, we're just not as sharp or fantastically thinking as we used to be, I guess.
I guess I shouldnt judge people and I should get over that and respect them for these thoughts that theyre having and I'm not. But then, I used to be the one who enlightened people on occasion. I mean, I used to THINK all the time. About stuff that matter. Stuff that made me feel like my brain was still usefull because I could actually ponder about life. Not just the shit I was learning in class that day or something of that matter. It was free thinking, mad thinking, thinking that got me excited and giddy because I would come to conclusions about life and people and interactions and love and friendships and forever and creativity and everything that I love. Now, I think about homework and the mall and what I'm going to do with my friends, or my boyfriend. Not that I dont like spending time thinking about that stuff, but I miss feeling like I wasnt always a teenager. I liked having moments when I thought I was going to explode because I came to realizations. I liked thinking about other people and their situations and kinda coming to conclusions about it that opened their eyes or my eyes or our eyes. I liked feeling like a thinker.
Now I feel like a 19 year old college student who has nothing on her mind but clothes and clubs and boys and classes that barely interest her anymore.
I just want something to happen.
Maybe I'm stagnant. I'm always coming back to that because I've been that way forever now. I feel like an abandoned pool, filling up with grim because theres nothing there to stir up the water. I'm just becoming a backed up sess-pool of bordom and routine.
I need some sort of change. I need something. I need to be kicked in the face or I need to lose a finger or a toe. I need to have something major happen to me so I can jump-start myself and stop feeling like a useless piece of human flesh.
I mean, at least in highschool when I felt like this, I wrote, I drew, I had ideas.
Now, it's lucky if I write once a month and usually thats about 3 lines of a poem I'll come back to next month and I barely ever draw anymore. Thats just...almost completely out of my system and I dont know why.
I just need something to happen. It doesnt even have to be that earth-shaking, just something to get my blood flowing and my heart pumping and my brain firing those little electrical impulses...
I'm tired to feeling like this when I go to bed at night.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm not doing anything worth while anymore.
I need something new.
I need something different.
I'm not as good at something as I thought I was, and they out-do me with bullshit. It makes me feel useless and kind of unworthy of people's time. Is that strange?
Is it strange that I hate the fact that I never had any profound thoughts anymore, and I have to have other people turn on the light in my head? Nothing ever hits me hard until someone else fuckin comes to the epiphany first, then all the sudden it's like I've hit a brick wall.
My brain stands up and goes "Ooooooooh..." shakes his head and kinda laughs at how blind he was.
"I dont know how I missed that one" He says. and then he feels bad because the person who shoved that beautiful, profound, glorious epiphany into his little gray-matter face was someone he loathes. Sorry brain, we're just not as sharp or fantastically thinking as we used to be, I guess.
I guess I shouldnt judge people and I should get over that and respect them for these thoughts that theyre having and I'm not. But then, I used to be the one who enlightened people on occasion. I mean, I used to THINK all the time. About stuff that matter. Stuff that made me feel like my brain was still usefull because I could actually ponder about life. Not just the shit I was learning in class that day or something of that matter. It was free thinking, mad thinking, thinking that got me excited and giddy because I would come to conclusions about life and people and interactions and love and friendships and forever and creativity and everything that I love. Now, I think about homework and the mall and what I'm going to do with my friends, or my boyfriend. Not that I dont like spending time thinking about that stuff, but I miss feeling like I wasnt always a teenager. I liked having moments when I thought I was going to explode because I came to realizations. I liked thinking about other people and their situations and kinda coming to conclusions about it that opened their eyes or my eyes or our eyes. I liked feeling like a thinker.
Now I feel like a 19 year old college student who has nothing on her mind but clothes and clubs and boys and classes that barely interest her anymore.
I just want something to happen.
Maybe I'm stagnant. I'm always coming back to that because I've been that way forever now. I feel like an abandoned pool, filling up with grim because theres nothing there to stir up the water. I'm just becoming a backed up sess-pool of bordom and routine.
I need some sort of change. I need something. I need to be kicked in the face or I need to lose a finger or a toe. I need to have something major happen to me so I can jump-start myself and stop feeling like a useless piece of human flesh.
I mean, at least in highschool when I felt like this, I wrote, I drew, I had ideas.
Now, it's lucky if I write once a month and usually thats about 3 lines of a poem I'll come back to next month and I barely ever draw anymore. Thats just...almost completely out of my system and I dont know why.
I just need something to happen. It doesnt even have to be that earth-shaking, just something to get my blood flowing and my heart pumping and my brain firing those little electrical impulses...
I'm tired to feeling like this when I go to bed at night.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm not doing anything worth while anymore.
I need something new.
I need something different.