Random bits of thought
I was reading over Live Journal posts tonight from ages ago, and I marvel at how far I’ve come since August. Now let me preface this by saying this is not a bashing post, and anything contained herein is a reflective look at who I was and who I am now.
I read things I’ve written and memories come flooding back, and I realize what a crazy…paranoid person I used to be. I can never be sure if it was inwardly induced or outwardly induced…but I have a hunch it was a bit of both. But that person no longer exists and the most comforting thing in the world is to know I got here without medication or therapy. I’m not saying it doesn’t work for others, but I did not become free until I stopped using it all as a crutch.
Sometimes when the past presents itself again, it is all you need to confirm in your heart that everything happens for a reason. It took a single evening to realize that I have moved on and it has been to a better place. It has created a deep inner peace within me.
That jealous girl who couldn’t bare the thought of being hurt again, finally realized that life will occur as it wishes no matter what preventative measures you take. Sometimes it will hurt your heart to follow this, and sometimes it will help. I have become slower to anger and now let life generally flow around me and through me. I hit a few rocks now and again, but for the most part, I have found a deep spirituality that was once unknown to me and it helps me through. I can thank Phil for that, because little by little he has shown me that no matter what I am loved by God and he will see me through.
Are there things I miss? The surprising answer after some soul searching was no. Three years of your life really can amount to very little, but the trick is to be ok with that. It was a stepping stone to where I am and who I am now…and I’m finally starting to not be so disgusted with who I see in the mirror in the morning. There is still laughter in my life, happiness, goofiness, friends worth more than gold, and last but not least…music…music has not left my life and the only difference is, now I am my own instrument and the music comes from within. I have no standards to reach but my own and I am my own master in my creativity.
Is there total forgiveness? Not yet. Perhaps someday as I explore this whole business of Christ’s love. For now I am simply content with the fact I have finally forgiven myself and that is enough.
I read things I’ve written and memories come flooding back, and I realize what a crazy…paranoid person I used to be. I can never be sure if it was inwardly induced or outwardly induced…but I have a hunch it was a bit of both. But that person no longer exists and the most comforting thing in the world is to know I got here without medication or therapy. I’m not saying it doesn’t work for others, but I did not become free until I stopped using it all as a crutch.
Sometimes when the past presents itself again, it is all you need to confirm in your heart that everything happens for a reason. It took a single evening to realize that I have moved on and it has been to a better place. It has created a deep inner peace within me.
That jealous girl who couldn’t bare the thought of being hurt again, finally realized that life will occur as it wishes no matter what preventative measures you take. Sometimes it will hurt your heart to follow this, and sometimes it will help. I have become slower to anger and now let life generally flow around me and through me. I hit a few rocks now and again, but for the most part, I have found a deep spirituality that was once unknown to me and it helps me through. I can thank Phil for that, because little by little he has shown me that no matter what I am loved by God and he will see me through.
Are there things I miss? The surprising answer after some soul searching was no. Three years of your life really can amount to very little, but the trick is to be ok with that. It was a stepping stone to where I am and who I am now…and I’m finally starting to not be so disgusted with who I see in the mirror in the morning. There is still laughter in my life, happiness, goofiness, friends worth more than gold, and last but not least…music…music has not left my life and the only difference is, now I am my own instrument and the music comes from within. I have no standards to reach but my own and I am my own master in my creativity.
Is there total forgiveness? Not yet. Perhaps someday as I explore this whole business of Christ’s love. For now I am simply content with the fact I have finally forgiven myself and that is enough.