fic: crack(on-a-space)ship
...what is this? allow me to explain.
Int. Scene:
Valentine's Day. Jess meets a mysterious man at a bar. Sparks doth fly. Then he introduces her to his TARDIS. More flying ensues.
jess: let’s have a threesome, oh doctor. you, me, and the TARDIS makes three. threeeeeeee-some. let’s get down. let’s ~do~ this. let’s get our twiiiiirl on.
[jess bobs back and forth like a mesmerizing snakecharmer with ever-waving ~tildas~ for arms]
doctor: right, then. i definitely should’ve picked up schmidt at that bar.
jess: [singing] [& spinning whilst singing] [in the doctor’s fez hat] we’re off to see the univeeeerse! watch out, black hole, here we come! [starts firing imaginary lasers into imaginary black hole] pshoo! pshoo! hey, what’s this do? [yanks ALL the levers]
doctor: no! [the TARDIS groans ominously] oooh, she did NOT like that!
jess: or maybe she liked it a bit too much, if you know what i’m sayin’.
doctor: in case it escaped your notice, i’m a genius-times-literal-infinity time lord with a mental capacity fueled by powers eclipsing a star gone supernova - [swallows the lump in his throat] - and i have no idea what you’re saying and i’ll thank you never to explain it to me.
jess: not down with the lady lovin’, huh? i would’ve thought time lords were more progressive. your ship has needs, you know. i’ve been having a little heart-to-glowy-magical-gooey-center talk with the little lady and she says you’ve been sorely neglecting her. you know, in ~that~ arena. the metaphorical time-space continuum [she breaks out the air quotes] ‘bedroom’.
doctor: [claps his hands over the speakers on the TARDIS’ console in a protective but utterly useless fashion] ah la la la!
jess: woo, i’ve got my work cut out for me. hey, maybe we should start with fingerpainting. that’ll loosen you up! get you in touch with the truth of your inner expression. or maybe just doodling. doodling’s fun.
doctor: well, of course, i love doodling. who doesn’t? i’m not made of stone. honestly, i don’t know where you’re getting these horribly inaccurate impressions of me.
jess: [rubs him on the shoulder and hands him a piece of paper] it’s okaaay, draw your feelings.
doctor: [he snatches the paper from her hands] and don’t think i won’t! just you wait and see, i’ve picked up a few artistic tricks along the way. i’ll have you know i happen to be very good friends with vincent van gogh.
jess: [continues gently rubbing his shoulder] of course you are, sweetie.
- first, i watched this:
Click to view- which reminded me of this:
- and then i wrote this:
Int. Scene:
Valentine's Day. Jess meets a mysterious man at a bar. Sparks doth fly. Then he introduces her to his TARDIS. More flying ensues.
jess: let’s have a threesome, oh doctor. you, me, and the TARDIS makes three. threeeeeeee-some. let’s get down. let’s ~do~ this. let’s get our twiiiiirl on.
[jess bobs back and forth like a mesmerizing snakecharmer with ever-waving ~tildas~ for arms]
doctor: right, then. i definitely should’ve picked up schmidt at that bar.
jess: [singing] [& spinning whilst singing] [in the doctor’s fez hat] we’re off to see the univeeeerse! watch out, black hole, here we come! [starts firing imaginary lasers into imaginary black hole] pshoo! pshoo! hey, what’s this do? [yanks ALL the levers]
doctor: no! [the TARDIS groans ominously] oooh, she did NOT like that!
jess: or maybe she liked it a bit too much, if you know what i’m sayin’.
doctor: in case it escaped your notice, i’m a genius-times-literal-infinity time lord with a mental capacity fueled by powers eclipsing a star gone supernova - [swallows the lump in his throat] - and i have no idea what you’re saying and i’ll thank you never to explain it to me.
jess: not down with the lady lovin’, huh? i would’ve thought time lords were more progressive. your ship has needs, you know. i’ve been having a little heart-to-glowy-magical-gooey-center talk with the little lady and she says you’ve been sorely neglecting her. you know, in ~that~ arena. the metaphorical time-space continuum [she breaks out the air quotes] ‘bedroom’.
doctor: [claps his hands over the speakers on the TARDIS’ console in a protective but utterly useless fashion] ah la la la!
jess: woo, i’ve got my work cut out for me. hey, maybe we should start with fingerpainting. that’ll loosen you up! get you in touch with the truth of your inner expression. or maybe just doodling. doodling’s fun.
doctor: well, of course, i love doodling. who doesn’t? i’m not made of stone. honestly, i don’t know where you’re getting these horribly inaccurate impressions of me.
jess: [rubs him on the shoulder and hands him a piece of paper] it’s okaaay, draw your feelings.
doctor: [he snatches the paper from her hands] and don’t think i won’t! just you wait and see, i’ve picked up a few artistic tricks along the way. i’ll have you know i happen to be very good friends with vincent van gogh.
jess: [continues gently rubbing his shoulder] of course you are, sweetie.