mAyA
Ace says i need to 'update my site'. So maybe some sense will come into wat i will attempt to put into words. I think i've had an epiphany- or something like that. N i'm not so sure its wat i expected. I expected to feel relieved and satisfied with wat i found. It turns out to be tha exact opposite. I figured that with this much thinking i might reach some level of self-acceptance- which i have, jus in a different way. I mean, it's obvious i love myself, i love who i am- but yet there's a part of me that i can't find- some part i lost so long ago. And with all this indecision of what people are and why we are here, its making me crazy. WHY does this happen, WHO creates this, HOW does it end? And why do i feel like we're living in hell? ok, ok, i kno it sounds bad for me to say that- i kno. Don't get me wrong, i'm quite happy, i've been happy for awhile now [shocker huh!]. But if you compare tha idea of human society with tha description of hell that religions all around tha world have 'created', you can see that these ideas are exactly tha same! Religions say that hell is a place of punishment, a place of fear, pain, n suffering, a place that fire burns you. But fire comes from emotions that come from fear, no? N like weneva we feel tha emotions of anger n jealousy, envy or hate, we can feel a fire burning within us....we're living in a dream of hell!! Ahhh, i gotta stop all this THINKING! this is wat 2 weeks away from home does to me...make it end! But no, tha beach is amazing, we were like 2 feet away from a pack of dolphins today, it wus so amazing. I spent a good time talking to my cousin n so that wus good. It's hard tho, coz this side of tha family knos NOTHING about mine n nina's...uhm tendencies? i guess thas tha word. lol n then i accidentally slipped n made a joke about being arrested n i forgot that they didn't kno about that. i fell into a shitload of questioning. N now more than ever i realize wut its relaly like bein in tha same house as a narcissist. it SUCKS!! my grandma is fuckin crazy...she wus complaining about tha napkins n asked my dad to buy some more expensive, more 'suitable' ones. There wus this guy skim-boarding in front of our beach n i was watching him, n all of a sudden this ENORMOUS wave comes n he didnt see it, n it jus knocked him tha fuck out. i believe i almost pissed myself. I completely lost against my dad in Scrabble, he put down words such as quats n schroevn...i had words like weed n hoe [ i actually did put those down, my poor dad]. N then i attempted to make up my own words, but apperantly thas not in tha rules lol. Then, of course being tha giddy ole' italian family we are, there wus a family game of Bocci ball, which of course i was jus SO tempted to play- but tha sun seemed to need me. I miss B!! i miss Ace!! i miss Dea!! ahh i wanna go homeeee now. i'm tired =( so this wus a long entry, i feel bad for tha people who are actually reading this- poor thangs...iite i'm out, gonna go take a walk with Alex n then get some sleep....J.K's tomorrow!!!!