Unhappy Anniversary
Joseph and I are about to hit eight months together, and it's going off with a bang. One stupid foul-up and he can give you the most heartless, heart-rending reactions that any human being has ever given another. I'm not sure if I deserve it or not. I haven't been to bed yet so I couldn't say with any level of coherence. Unfortunately, I lost track of time and stayed up the evening. I think he's really upset because I didn't crawl into bed next to him last night. I'm not sure what to do. There's a lot of lacking communication. Monday, Kris told me he'd mentioned to her he was having a bad day, but eaerlier I'd asked him if he was all right twice when he was feeling glum and he'd just nod and say he was fine. Last night, he didn't ask me to come to bed with him but told me to "keep it down this time." Really I should have gotten to bed at some point, save for the fact that my bedtimes have been coming around 3AM daily and so that's getting harder to do on time. Unfortunately, I let John talk me into a full four-man Scarlet Monastery clear and then Mike convinced me to go on that stupid UBRS run where we didn't bother with Valthalak because we were all too damn tired, and before I know it it's seven fucking o'clock in the morning and he storms in only out of necessity to get something and get out. Now I'm not sure when next I get to apologize to him for not catering to his latent needs, but hopefully this comes some point after the one where I convince him to speak to me again.
It's an odd balance. I cuddled with him for an hour when I woke up yesterday. I took small breaks from boring grinding on World of Warcraft to chase him down wherever he'd wandered about the house because I didn't want to be without him. I'd give him little hugs and poke him and tell him I loved him and I thought we were having a magnificent day. Only problem is I didn't extend it on into the night and I guess that's what was needed of me at that time. I don't mean to be a quartermaster of attention and only dole out so much at certain times, but it pains me to be treated like I'm being purposefully negligent. It may be eight months but we're still feeling each other out. I've tried various balances between my friends on this ridiculous internet game and him and for the most part I thought my time with him was winning out. Now I screw up once and I feel like my soul's been lanced. If you could have seen the way he turned from me, refused to look at me, hurried away from me... well, then at least you'd know why I'm scattered into a million pieces right now.
On top of that, I spent an aimless hour wandering about talking some crap off my mind to a few folks that would listen about my situation at home. It's not the most optimal it's ever been, but it was on my mind what with grades being uncertain, finances being more uncertain, my mother being a bit of a nutcase, my live-in relatives, my need or lack thereof of a summer job, my schedule for next semester--never mind. The point is there are still a lot of floating unresolved issues that I have to address and I came here to escape them and just be with Joe. Now that's ruined too and I'm just trying to tread water to stay afloat. Meh. I want to give that boy the world. I've never been happier with anyone else I've ever known and I want it to last. I'm just very bad at getting to what he wants because he'll never talk to me about it.
I'm determined not to let this ruin our eighth anniversary. I've gotta make this better some how, but I've got to get him to look at me again first. I'm not sure what to do about it this time because he looked somewhere between seething and heartbreak, and I don't know what kind of glue it's going to take to hold these pieces together. Going to need a bit of luck and a lot of love and maybe we'll see this thing through in time for a happy anniversary.
It's an odd balance. I cuddled with him for an hour when I woke up yesterday. I took small breaks from boring grinding on World of Warcraft to chase him down wherever he'd wandered about the house because I didn't want to be without him. I'd give him little hugs and poke him and tell him I loved him and I thought we were having a magnificent day. Only problem is I didn't extend it on into the night and I guess that's what was needed of me at that time. I don't mean to be a quartermaster of attention and only dole out so much at certain times, but it pains me to be treated like I'm being purposefully negligent. It may be eight months but we're still feeling each other out. I've tried various balances between my friends on this ridiculous internet game and him and for the most part I thought my time with him was winning out. Now I screw up once and I feel like my soul's been lanced. If you could have seen the way he turned from me, refused to look at me, hurried away from me... well, then at least you'd know why I'm scattered into a million pieces right now.
On top of that, I spent an aimless hour wandering about talking some crap off my mind to a few folks that would listen about my situation at home. It's not the most optimal it's ever been, but it was on my mind what with grades being uncertain, finances being more uncertain, my mother being a bit of a nutcase, my live-in relatives, my need or lack thereof of a summer job, my schedule for next semester--never mind. The point is there are still a lot of floating unresolved issues that I have to address and I came here to escape them and just be with Joe. Now that's ruined too and I'm just trying to tread water to stay afloat. Meh. I want to give that boy the world. I've never been happier with anyone else I've ever known and I want it to last. I'm just very bad at getting to what he wants because he'll never talk to me about it.
I'm determined not to let this ruin our eighth anniversary. I've gotta make this better some how, but I've got to get him to look at me again first. I'm not sure what to do about it this time because he looked somewhere between seething and heartbreak, and I don't know what kind of glue it's going to take to hold these pieces together. Going to need a bit of luck and a lot of love and maybe we'll see this thing through in time for a happy anniversary.