ooc: don't worry if this essay makes no sense, it's really for my reference.
This is an essay about Teito's final wish, or why 07-ghost's plot is about Teito's journey to dying.
I started this essay (and canon review) with the intention on figuring out what exactly defines Teito as a character- that is, what is his 'darkness', what is his 'light', and why Teito is described as a double-edged sword pretty much walking between the two extremes. Along the way I realized it's not that simple! In order to understand Teito's 'light' and 'dark' side, you also need to understand Teito's goals. And by understanding Teito's goals, you can pretty much figure out what his final wish is going to be! What do I mean by final wish? If you're familiar with our canon, skip this. If not, have a short summary:
The 07-ghost world's god grants three wishes to every soul born in the world. Once a soul fulfils their last wish, they are supposed to go to heaven to be reincarnated. A good example of this is Mikage, whose final wish was to die for someone he loved. Because he fulfilled them all, he got reincarnated as a baby dragon!
Anywho, by canon reviewing I'm pretty certain I've ascertained what's Teito's final wish is and, in part, how 07-ghost may end. But I'm going to keep you in suspense, and start out with the basics- leading up to what his wish is and how it affects him as a person.
WARNING: I love using ironic quotation marks on and off. And this is ridiculously rambly and long.
Teito's goal:
At the start of 07-ghost, it's made clear that Teito is an amnesiac and he escapes from the Empire in order to regain his memories and ultimately discover the truth about who he is. Also at this point, he does want to get revenge against Ayanami- mainly because Ayanami killed his family, and also because Ayanami is in part the key to why he's an amnesiac in the first place. Of course, the situation is just made worse when Ayanami kills Teito's 'light', Mikage.
At this point, I'm going to explain part of what Teito's 'light' is. Teito's light is basically his self-sacrificing side, the side where he was dependant on other people to give him a purpose to live. Teito himself doesn't have any self-preservation (or so it seems), but with other people around whom he could make happy, he preserved his life somewhat! THAT IS WHAT MIKAGE, AND ALL OF TEITO'S FRIENDS, REPRESENT TO TEITO. A reason for living! Thus, his light!
“I'll go to take back what I've lost up till now.”
ANYWAY, after some angst Teito decides to live on-- if only to pursue his true goal (revenge upon Ayanami and memory finding, just with revenge more on the forefront now) since Mikage died for him to do that. Basically, he extends his life a little further instead of just going ahead with plain suicide for Mikage's sake. So now we understand Teito's main goal- to uncover the truth behind himself (and thus, behind his memories, Ayanami, etc.), and therefore take back 'himself'. It just so happens that revenge ties into that. This is further illustrated when Teito is tempted by a Kor in the Bishop examinations- it offers to help Teito take 'it' back. What is 'it'? Himself, ranging from his memories to his precious people, because Teito is often (and accurately) described as 'lost' himself.
Teito's light
As mentioned earlier, Teito constantly asserts other people are his light-- this is true to an extent. Teito basically discovered his good traits by interacting and responding to other people, which is why he can be withdrawn from others too! Low self-esteem leads Teito to be shy, as doesn't really know how to react to day-to-day people until the other person gives him a cue of some kind, and he doesn't quite understand why people approach him unless they want something in particular- because he doesn't believe he himself is 'light'. This is also why he doesn't accept compliments- for instance, if he helps someone he doesn't believe he's kind, just that he's glad there's something he can do.
“My hand isn't to grasp nothingness. Right now, it's to grasp the precious thing that are with me.”
But! When Teito does have his 'light', or 'precious things', he isn't one to let go easily. They give him a purpose to live.
“I know you don't talk because you worry about me.”
This is a quote from Hakuren to Teito, and I like it because it sorts of illustrates my two above points. Teito doesn't talk too much, because he worries about losing his 'light' when he does- partly because he attributes much of his good points to other people and his bad points to his own internal fault. Even if he knows better, one of Teito's key characteristics is this neurosis of losing his friends- either through alienation or getting them in trouble by having associated with him. And yes, he CAN know better, but it doesn't stop him worrying.
“I've been kept alive by many people- I don't need to stand still. I can walk on my own now.”
Thankfully, Teito's reached the point of understanding he does this, and can attribute to himself his own reason to live instead of relying on other people's 'light' for a purpose to live. But how this comes about is a bit tricky, because we need to address what Teito's 'darkness' is.
Teito's darkness:
This is where Michael comes in. Michael is the arch-angel red stone thing that is passed down through Teito's family in generations, and Ayanami's main motive for going after Teito- and one of Teito's first clues to his past! The thing about Michael is he basically acts as Teito's self-preservation, both mentally and physically. He comes out when Teito is in danger of being killed- but also when Teito is confronting a situation where he has to kill someone that would mentally scar him! In particular, these situations are pointed out to be: The first time Teito was forced to kill, when he had to kill Mikage (or Ayanami in Mikage's body), and also with Bastien- a person who reminded Teito of his Father.
The interesting thing here is that Michael basically acts as Teito's 'darkness'. But he's not, he's completely independent! What clues us in originally to what Teito's darkness really is is two quotes:
“If your soul wanted it, it would be alright to be killed by you.”
Frau says this to Michael, but at the same time talking to Teito- he's implying that Teito has a small degree of self-preservation within his soul that ties in with his darker impulses and that of which Michael responds to- the desire to kill.
“Something is squirming inside me... Could it be... that's... Michael's eye?”
Later, Teito automatically assumes his darker impulses are Michael. They're not, because at the point of that quote he no longer has the Eye.
Michael merely responds to Teito's soul's most basic desires and what is best for him, such as protecting Teito and killing others to do so. As most of you should know, Teito doesn't exactly treasure his life early on-- so the desire to protect himself falls on Michael. This is why in the exam he is Teito's 'darkness', because protecting Teito with some degree of self-preservation means that Teito is being sheltered by his darkness in order for the 'light' side to exist in Teito's personality. Since Teito couldn't cope with his darkness originally, it is partly why he couldn't handle Michael. It's not just about power to have the Eye- it's also resolution to live for oneself, which Teito's 'light' side lacks.
The middle
“From the time you came to the church there has been a deep darkness within your heart. In your eyes there is someone that holds in hand a two edged sword. To bring about divine protection, or to bring about destruction. If you do not face the darkness, you will let yourself fall into ruin and become the latter.”
What's great about 07-ghost is that the exam arc basically answers a lot of questions about Teito's 'darkness'. The exam has only one requirement to pass: For those to know their darkness and able to face it head on. It's seen in the exam that the 'kill' thoughts reaaaally aren't restricted to Michael- it's Teito who thinks that, the side of him who does not care about dying as long as he is fulfilled with death. This is technically Teito's 'lightside' darkside, which is confusing, but the point I'm getting at is that Teito's lightside has cons to it as well, especially when his darkside is really just his sense of self-preservation and selfishness- or, in a round about way, his sense of self-worth. Teito's darkness comments in the exam that Teito wants to die all this time, which is why he didn't surrender (or take the easy path) when it comes to Ayanami. As originally Teito sort of had his darkside be a separate entity of himself which he refused to face, even though it protected him, in the exam Teito actually fails (and is even about to die from shock) before he comes across an epiphany; only passing the exam when he realizes he can have pride in living, pride in his own self-worth, and that having his 'light' hypocritically protected by his 'dark' means he can't fulfil his destiny while being sheltered by the world's ugly truths and his uglier emotions. Essentially, he realizes that in order to continue protecting his 'light' side he needs to face and accept his darkness, so that he stops being so self-destructive.
Finally, there's an interesting comment by the manifestation of Teito's darker personality- that the one who loves Teito the most is his darkside. Teito realizes this, so he invites his darkside to come with him, as opposed to leaving without it like other examinees did. Essentially, he recognizes it as a part of him (facing it) and restore his soul's balance.
Teito's final wish:
“I want to regain my memory and learn the truth of the Raggs war. From that, the want to learn my destiny was born. Both the feeling of wanting revenge against Ayanami, and the feeling of wanting to run away from ugly emotions, I want to settle them all while I'm still alive. But when the end of that regret comes, I'll leave behind the reincarnated Mikage.”
Teito's ultimate goal is to be at peace with why he is alive (by discovering the truth about his destiny and the world), and part of that includes facing up to his self-worth with all the ugly emotions and revenge he doesn't like admitting along with it. The key behind this quote is that Teito is unafraid to die for reaching this goal. In fact, the only thing he is worrying about is leaving Mikage behind-- which gives him even more purpose to go to Seele in the first place, because if he goes there he will be granted one wish by God, and he intends to have his wish restore Mikage to a life where he never met Teito in the first place- and not only that, from what I gather Teito intends to ask for everyone's lives in general not to be affected by Teito's.
The important thing to note is that Teito is NOT seeking self-destruction. At this point, he has come to a balance between his 'light' and 'dark' side, where he is not so reliant on others to give him a purpose to live, but he is not so selfish as to fool himself from confronting the uglier things in life, the truth, which his darkness sheltered him from. In fact, his new purpose is to seek his destiny, his 'truth', for himself as opposed to just seeking it for other people's sakes. Truth is important to Teito- he won't deny he wants revenge, and he believes that if he doesn't speak the truth, especially to himself, then his heart won't open. This is why he's allowed to proceed along the path to the Land of Seele- Seilan comments that if he was going to attempt self-destruction (keeping himself sheltered in darkness and only travelling along that road for other's sakes, basically) he would be denied, but as Teito wants the truth that is not the case. He is merely fufilling his third wish, not seeking or desiring death itself!
“Until that time I'll search for my memories, if I can come to accept myself. It's worth risking my life, and with this hand I'll turn on the lights. That's much better than dying without knowing my true self.”
Again, Teito reiterates his goal. By now it should be pretty clear to all of us what Teito's last wish most likely is- to discover the truth about himself and accept it.
Which isn't to say this is a good thing. This is the furtherest I've canon updated to- where Teito realizes his true goal, what he wants to accomplish before death.He has more self-preservation and a desire to live, but he isn't truly 'living', his life still isn't that precious because he thinks he won't die until his wish is fufilled. This is addressed later, when he has to face the prospect of dying before being able to achieve his life's goals- basically, before he can achieve his final wish:
“When I was a combat slave, there were days when dying at any time wasn't strange. It felt like half giving up on life. When Mikage gave up his life, my life wasn't worth anything. Or so I thought. I thought that I could go anywhere, to embrace what's precious to me with this body. For the first time I was told I could live with pride. 'My soul being devoured by Verloren in the end. Dying in vain...' Now that the divine protection of the Eye of Michael is gone, little by little he's breaking free. After that, how much time is left? After that, how long will this world be? The world is this precious. And this harsh. 'I don't want to die!'”
This basically sums up the entire essay, and more-so! Teito originally didn't live for himself. When it came to the exam and he faced his darkness, he faced his sense of self-worth and began to have pride in his own life. When he began to live for himself, he decided as long as he was able to live his last days doing anything he needed to do to fulfil himself he can accept dying at any time- because of how the 07-ghost's world religion works, Teito basically assumed he wouldn't die without completing his goals, so any sense of self-preservation he had was somewhat thrown out the window- he acts like he's immortal, not fearing death! When he discovered that no, his life isn't going to work out like that, for the first time Teito fears death and realizes how precious his own life is. What this means for the future? Well...
“If it seems like Verloren is being revived, if you judge it to be my end, kill me without hesitation. I'll believe in Frau.”
He still fears death, but he's grown to the point of trusting himself, so now he can trust others. He doesn't want to die, but he realizes it may be necessary. Especially if he wants to go to heaven- Teito now cares about his soul. He cares about what would happen to it if Verloren was going to take over! He wants to live, but most importantly, he wants to go to heaven with at least most of his soul in tact and dreams fulfilled.
Of course, he hasn't realized this in camp yet, but it's there to give some perspective.