the world coming down on your head
I suppose this would be the place to talk about this now that most people dont use livejournal anymore. Ive been in one of those bad places lately, down. As most people know im pretty fucked up, but not alot of people know the depth and seriousness of my depression. Ive been in spencer county for the whole summer and have barely seen my freinds, and the ones i had before here have all gone or now travel in much differnt circles. I dont get made at them because i did the same thing when i went to school, i changed.
Now i come back to this life, and its empty. I realize that louisville is only 30 minutes away, but thats pretty far to go everyday. When i come home from work in the afternoon, theres no room mate to ask me "hows your day ass fuck?" or crazy night adventures with kim or the boys like we used to have. That brings me to another something that i feel is such a screwed up mess, what peopel call the good ole days. I remember those days, it was nothing more than a haze do to WHY it was the good ole days. But i had fun, my grades blew, but i had alot of fun and i kinda miss that, i dont really miss being single though, cuase i was never very good at picking up girls, or attracting them for that matter, mainly due to my less than beautiful appaerance. I guess spencer county girls were so much easier to impress, but then again, most of them werent worth the week the relationships lasted. I want those wild nights and days back, but im not a freshman anymore, so i get to tell the stories of the ole days, and hope the new guys live out they'res as wild as i did.
I miss miller hall in some fasions, and i regret living there in others. I regret following around hope that would never become fruitful, throwing away things that could have been and staring at the bottom of glass bottles to help dull that edge. I miss my room mate adam, the crazy fuck who could always make me smile and never make me mad.
I grow deeper and deeper into depression and i wonder how deep this hole goes? I wander if theres a bottom to reach, or when i look back up will there be light at the top? or like so many other things, have i traveled so deep into a world that i cannot remember. every passing moment squeazes my heart just alittle more drives the knife deeper, i feel like a freshman lost again. I cut my arm the other day at work, i just stared at the bleeding gash, it didnt feel good, but it no longer hurts like it should. Its like im living a de-sensitized version of life, a outdated version of a program or soemthing, or a beta gone wrong and abandoned.
on a lighter note, ive been exercising alot more, and suing my kick bag alot i seeem to remember most of the thigns ive learned through martial arts and kickboxing, it feels good to be able to do spin kicks and roundhouses again.
im off to find somethign better than a LCD to look at. goodbye.
Now i come back to this life, and its empty. I realize that louisville is only 30 minutes away, but thats pretty far to go everyday. When i come home from work in the afternoon, theres no room mate to ask me "hows your day ass fuck?" or crazy night adventures with kim or the boys like we used to have. That brings me to another something that i feel is such a screwed up mess, what peopel call the good ole days. I remember those days, it was nothing more than a haze do to WHY it was the good ole days. But i had fun, my grades blew, but i had alot of fun and i kinda miss that, i dont really miss being single though, cuase i was never very good at picking up girls, or attracting them for that matter, mainly due to my less than beautiful appaerance. I guess spencer county girls were so much easier to impress, but then again, most of them werent worth the week the relationships lasted. I want those wild nights and days back, but im not a freshman anymore, so i get to tell the stories of the ole days, and hope the new guys live out they'res as wild as i did.
I miss miller hall in some fasions, and i regret living there in others. I regret following around hope that would never become fruitful, throwing away things that could have been and staring at the bottom of glass bottles to help dull that edge. I miss my room mate adam, the crazy fuck who could always make me smile and never make me mad.
I grow deeper and deeper into depression and i wonder how deep this hole goes? I wander if theres a bottom to reach, or when i look back up will there be light at the top? or like so many other things, have i traveled so deep into a world that i cannot remember. every passing moment squeazes my heart just alittle more drives the knife deeper, i feel like a freshman lost again. I cut my arm the other day at work, i just stared at the bleeding gash, it didnt feel good, but it no longer hurts like it should. Its like im living a de-sensitized version of life, a outdated version of a program or soemthing, or a beta gone wrong and abandoned.
on a lighter note, ive been exercising alot more, and suing my kick bag alot i seeem to remember most of the thigns ive learned through martial arts and kickboxing, it feels good to be able to do spin kicks and roundhouses again.
im off to find somethign better than a LCD to look at. goodbye.