woah.
Kill me if you want. Recently I talked to Ana. If anyone cares to remember, she's a gurl that Nathan had been involved with in Virginia. I didn't mean to start talking to her.
Her name is on my buddy-list and I had forgotten who she was.. I mean geez. Last time I talked to her .. was what.. three years ago? So IM'd her and was like hey you're on my buddy list and I have no idea who you are.. and she's like Ana and then she was like where ya' from and I was like ky. She's like wow I don't know anyone from ky lol... no wait.. do you know a Nathan? and I was like *ahhh crap in my head* and yeah.. I know a few.. she was like that's where I know you from then. Nathan Balser! and I was like.. oh yeah! .. playing it like woo-hoo. Thanks for reminding me.
And we talked a little bit about him. And my heart sank when she told me he moved with his dad in Indiana. It hit the floor. I'm talking harder then it did when he left the first time.
He's .. yet again. So close, but so far away. And indiana. Way back when we actually still talked on the phone he said he was moving to Indiana with his dad so that he could be closer to me and that we could possibly try that whole thing again. And I wanted to because I still loved him. He was my world, and I would have given anything to have him back here.
And here I sit, three years later, pondering the fact of him being in Indiana. And sadly I want to call Timmy and I want to tell him sorry for all the times that I mistreated him and then I want him to send a letter to Nathan that has been in my dresser drawer forever. It's been sitting there, waiting to be sent. But I was too scared to send it, too scared and afraid of what the answer may or may not be.
And I wanted so bad to get my license. Sadly, not the reason every teenager would want their license for but because I could finally drive out to Viginia and see Nathan one last time. That was my plan, to take a road trip this summer, and go see him. .. and now, I can't. Because he's in Indiana.
And I have no idea where he is.
And going to Virginia would do me no good because well, he's not there. And all I would get was his mother or sister at the door and then an address of where he really is... it'd be a wasted trip. Yet it wouldn't be because I'd know where he is, because I can't just pick up the phone and ask. It's much easier for me to say things to them in person..
Why is it so hard for me to let him go? I've let so many other things leave me, so easily at that. And yet I hold on to him.. why? I don't understand why I do such things. I let Matt go in about a year, I let Jimmy go in a couple months, my great-grandmother passing away was a few months, moving to my new house took me a couple weeks.
And here I sit, yearning to talk to him, to be with him once again. Three years later. Three freaking years later and I still want to see him one last time, and I don't want to lose that connection with him that I have. It's slowly slivering away, but now he's closer. Now I can be with him again, as we've always talked about.. every time we're on the phone we talk about it. whether the phone conversations be three four months apart, or a year apart, they are still there.
*~*CLiCk*~* and everything.
My life is where I want it to be. Yeah, I'm sitting at rock bottom in almost everything and for me I see no reason to keep going. I mean yeah someday I will have a family but I will be going thru this same things over and over in my life, ups and downs, highs and rock bottom lows, and what's the point of living thru them? It's one of those things, you've done it once, there's no point in doing it again because it's all the same. Like Scary movies, you've seen one you've seen them all.
Yet, I want him. Back here in my life. Why I can't I just let him go? Sept. 9th, every year I can be found waiting, waiting at the spot of which we assigned, in hopes that some day he will be there. Some day he will be waiting for me there, to just return home to a phone call that says I'm sorry I couldn't make it, I would have loved to but I just can't reach that far...
And I cry knowing that I can't reach that far either. But that reach is a little closer now, and maybe there will be something there. Maybe I can reach this time, and so can he.
It's been a year since we last talked, three months since his last letter. A year since he moved to Indiana. Three years of wondering what he's doing, wondering what he's thinking, wondering if he ever thinks of me as much as I think of him, looking up at the sky wondering if he could possibly be looking up there to .. wondering if I'm looking up there. ..
Maybe it's in times of desperation that I dream of him again. I want to move on so bad, but I can't. Something is holding on to him in my heart, and just won't let him go. Many times have I thought he was gone, and he comes back to me, my heart holding him tighter then before.
Maybe someday, some day .. we'll be together again.. or we'll have finally let go of each other. .. maybe someday I won't wake at night in his presence, maybe someday the sight of his screen name online won't wrench at my heart knowing that on the other side of that little name on my buddy list, he sits, hopefully staring at my screen name, knowing that I'm but a click away.. Maybe Someday ..
Her name is on my buddy-list and I had forgotten who she was.. I mean geez. Last time I talked to her .. was what.. three years ago? So IM'd her and was like hey you're on my buddy list and I have no idea who you are.. and she's like Ana and then she was like where ya' from and I was like ky. She's like wow I don't know anyone from ky lol... no wait.. do you know a Nathan? and I was like *ahhh crap in my head* and yeah.. I know a few.. she was like that's where I know you from then. Nathan Balser! and I was like.. oh yeah! .. playing it like woo-hoo. Thanks for reminding me.
And we talked a little bit about him. And my heart sank when she told me he moved with his dad in Indiana. It hit the floor. I'm talking harder then it did when he left the first time.
He's .. yet again. So close, but so far away. And indiana. Way back when we actually still talked on the phone he said he was moving to Indiana with his dad so that he could be closer to me and that we could possibly try that whole thing again. And I wanted to because I still loved him. He was my world, and I would have given anything to have him back here.
And here I sit, three years later, pondering the fact of him being in Indiana. And sadly I want to call Timmy and I want to tell him sorry for all the times that I mistreated him and then I want him to send a letter to Nathan that has been in my dresser drawer forever. It's been sitting there, waiting to be sent. But I was too scared to send it, too scared and afraid of what the answer may or may not be.
And I wanted so bad to get my license. Sadly, not the reason every teenager would want their license for but because I could finally drive out to Viginia and see Nathan one last time. That was my plan, to take a road trip this summer, and go see him. .. and now, I can't. Because he's in Indiana.
And I have no idea where he is.
And going to Virginia would do me no good because well, he's not there. And all I would get was his mother or sister at the door and then an address of where he really is... it'd be a wasted trip. Yet it wouldn't be because I'd know where he is, because I can't just pick up the phone and ask. It's much easier for me to say things to them in person..
Why is it so hard for me to let him go? I've let so many other things leave me, so easily at that. And yet I hold on to him.. why? I don't understand why I do such things. I let Matt go in about a year, I let Jimmy go in a couple months, my great-grandmother passing away was a few months, moving to my new house took me a couple weeks.
And here I sit, yearning to talk to him, to be with him once again. Three years later. Three freaking years later and I still want to see him one last time, and I don't want to lose that connection with him that I have. It's slowly slivering away, but now he's closer. Now I can be with him again, as we've always talked about.. every time we're on the phone we talk about it. whether the phone conversations be three four months apart, or a year apart, they are still there.
*~*CLiCk*~* and everything.
My life is where I want it to be. Yeah, I'm sitting at rock bottom in almost everything and for me I see no reason to keep going. I mean yeah someday I will have a family but I will be going thru this same things over and over in my life, ups and downs, highs and rock bottom lows, and what's the point of living thru them? It's one of those things, you've done it once, there's no point in doing it again because it's all the same. Like Scary movies, you've seen one you've seen them all.
Yet, I want him. Back here in my life. Why I can't I just let him go? Sept. 9th, every year I can be found waiting, waiting at the spot of which we assigned, in hopes that some day he will be there. Some day he will be waiting for me there, to just return home to a phone call that says I'm sorry I couldn't make it, I would have loved to but I just can't reach that far...
And I cry knowing that I can't reach that far either. But that reach is a little closer now, and maybe there will be something there. Maybe I can reach this time, and so can he.
It's been a year since we last talked, three months since his last letter. A year since he moved to Indiana. Three years of wondering what he's doing, wondering what he's thinking, wondering if he ever thinks of me as much as I think of him, looking up at the sky wondering if he could possibly be looking up there to .. wondering if I'm looking up there. ..
Maybe it's in times of desperation that I dream of him again. I want to move on so bad, but I can't. Something is holding on to him in my heart, and just won't let him go. Many times have I thought he was gone, and he comes back to me, my heart holding him tighter then before.
Maybe someday, some day .. we'll be together again.. or we'll have finally let go of each other. .. maybe someday I won't wake at night in his presence, maybe someday the sight of his screen name online won't wrench at my heart knowing that on the other side of that little name on my buddy list, he sits, hopefully staring at my screen name, knowing that I'm but a click away.. Maybe Someday ..