fucking the universe.
last night i had a dream that i was in love with this supreme entity composed of both good and evil. or maybe it was two separate entities. one was white and one was black.
there was a massive house party outside. everyone was shitfaced and there were black and white horses everywhere. i noticed i was capable of creating more horses, like if i put my finger in mid air, a horse would appear with more material extending from his head, as if it came from my finger. i don’t really know how to describe it.
anyway there were too many black horses, and it disturbed some sort of cosmic balance. everything turned black, the trees, all of the horses, everyone was covered with a black oily sheen. evil was shifting forms quickly and bouncing everywhere, becoming a person and then a fire and then just goo. dead horses and people everywhere. when it became a person again (a fairly attractive male but nothing to write home about), i knew the only way to save the universe (and house party) was to kill myself by having sex with it. to restore balance to the world. so i started bracing myself for however it would feel to have sex with this insane shape shifting creature. obviously i was really horny at this point but also scared shitless.
i think i said "FUCK ME" or focused on that phrase with great intensity. and then i fucking woke up.
i think it was the pf changs.
also, tonight, i had to call 911. was innocently wasting my life on facebook upstairs and started smelling plastic. burning plastic. started checking every room, no dice. opened door to hallway, "oh shit" smoke everywhere, smells terrible. threw on shoes, grabbed purse & phone and fucking ran across the street. there was smoke billowing from the porch downstairs. ran doorbell several times, said "fuck it, this doesn't smell like bbq" and called 911.
--CALLED 911 THE SECOND FUCKING TIME IN, WHAT, FOUR MONTHS, DUE TO BILLOWING SMOKE ESCAPING MY APARTMENT BUILDING.
as soon as i call 911 and hang up, my downstairs neighbor, the owner of the fire, says "oops, it's just the futon on my porch". he flicked a cigarette on futon, and that ikea piece of shit caught fire and i probably have cancer in my lungs now. he dumped water on it, and then 3,000 fire trucks and police cars showed up. i apologized profusely, heard of a lot of "you did the right thing, mam". went back upstairs and made a delicious raw kale salad. chugging beers.
i'm on motherfucking jury duty this week. i am juror #7, the one drawing pictures of the lawyer with boogers pouring out of his nose and his brain leaking out of his head. those are my official juror notes, and i am pretty bitter i can't take my sweet doodles out of the court room BY LAW.
there was a massive house party outside. everyone was shitfaced and there were black and white horses everywhere. i noticed i was capable of creating more horses, like if i put my finger in mid air, a horse would appear with more material extending from his head, as if it came from my finger. i don’t really know how to describe it.
anyway there were too many black horses, and it disturbed some sort of cosmic balance. everything turned black, the trees, all of the horses, everyone was covered with a black oily sheen. evil was shifting forms quickly and bouncing everywhere, becoming a person and then a fire and then just goo. dead horses and people everywhere. when it became a person again (a fairly attractive male but nothing to write home about), i knew the only way to save the universe (and house party) was to kill myself by having sex with it. to restore balance to the world. so i started bracing myself for however it would feel to have sex with this insane shape shifting creature. obviously i was really horny at this point but also scared shitless.
i think i said "FUCK ME" or focused on that phrase with great intensity. and then i fucking woke up.
i think it was the pf changs.
also, tonight, i had to call 911. was innocently wasting my life on facebook upstairs and started smelling plastic. burning plastic. started checking every room, no dice. opened door to hallway, "oh shit" smoke everywhere, smells terrible. threw on shoes, grabbed purse & phone and fucking ran across the street. there was smoke billowing from the porch downstairs. ran doorbell several times, said "fuck it, this doesn't smell like bbq" and called 911.
--CALLED 911 THE SECOND FUCKING TIME IN, WHAT, FOUR MONTHS, DUE TO BILLOWING SMOKE ESCAPING MY APARTMENT BUILDING.
as soon as i call 911 and hang up, my downstairs neighbor, the owner of the fire, says "oops, it's just the futon on my porch". he flicked a cigarette on futon, and that ikea piece of shit caught fire and i probably have cancer in my lungs now. he dumped water on it, and then 3,000 fire trucks and police cars showed up. i apologized profusely, heard of a lot of "you did the right thing, mam". went back upstairs and made a delicious raw kale salad. chugging beers.
i'm on motherfucking jury duty this week. i am juror #7, the one drawing pictures of the lawyer with boogers pouring out of his nose and his brain leaking out of his head. those are my official juror notes, and i am pretty bitter i can't take my sweet doodles out of the court room BY LAW.