Life my biggest dilemma
Well, my life has taken a total different turn and it's messing with my head. I don't know how to explain the feelings in my heart. My mind is occupied 24/7 by this thought of death. It is consuming me day by day. I look at him and I Thank God for everything he's given me. I drive off to my daily duties, work and etc and death seams a bitter sweet feeling. But u can't help to realize that I'm not dreaming, I'm not faking. This is real and am I prepare for what might be coming I have no idea that is what scares me the most. How can a 26 year old relatively healthy woman prepare for this? How can I even get to that level now that I know what's going on? I am lost. I am lost in my own reality. I wanna wake up from this nightmare, but I feel the pain and I realize i am wide awake. Be careful what you wish for ppl say. I remember at times thinking of death as a relief to this life of hard work and struggles but now my mentally has changed quite a bit. I went to the doctor today and he told me that I had to give him permission to do what he has to do if he finds anything during surgery. I stood quite and he realized in my head I don't want to do that. He paused and put his hand on my shoulder and told me "you gotta understand that it is your life I intend to safe and that should also be your intention to save your own life before anything" but I feel as if by saving my own life I'm killing those of I want to bring to life one day. Maybe that is just a dream but I have learned with life that Hope can get you thorium what reality can't get you through sometimes. I feel like many I live have died and I am alone without being alone. I feel I am being punished because k was granted the gift of life a second time and now I don't get the privilege to grant life to other human being. My parents worry me. I don't want to leave them. They depend on my support greatly and I promised God I would always be there for them. Now what? No hope for them either? They've gone through so much in this country and now a year away from being able to be stable, this happens. My girls, oh how much they love me and I love them. And of course my husband he is my life. I am very confused. A side of me tells me to fight that there will be a solution and we'll get through this. The other side makes me believe this is the end and I should let fate take it's course and I should just concentrate on accepting this. So many things in my head that I wish I had an off switch. Whatever happens I'm sure it's been written already for me.
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