and life goes on

[anerise]

Everyone who commented on my last entry- thank you so much. You all mean more to me than you know.

Things that have happened since the weekend-

• Went to my GP surgery, saw (another) new GP who was thankfully very nice, and agreed that the way I had been treated by the crisis team on Friday night was appalling.  I'm back on meds (did I mention I stopped taking them?) - now on my third SSRI (sertraline, aka Zoloft or Lustral).  I'm not enthused about this since I don't think the pills have been helping me much, but for reasons I won't go into here I feel like I have to take them, so I am.
• At the GP I also got a referral to a private psychiatrist since my mum offered to pay for it.  I've been kind of avoiding psychiatrists (easy to do since I wasn't even ever offered an appointment with [an NHS] one until about 2 weeks ago) but the mood instability has got me at the end of my rope so I've agreed to this.  I am very wary of any diagnosis the psychiatrist might make- specifically Borderline Personality Disorder, which astute readers of this journal will remember I was unofficially diagnosed with in college (it's not on my records b/c a formal BPD diagnosis would have messed up my health insurance coverage.) I really want to avoid that label, but at the same time I realise that it's in my best interest to be honest with the psychiatrist so we'll see what he says.  I'm hoping to get an appointment for next week- we should know more on Thursday.
• Saw Jane Monday afternoon.  That woman is unflappable, thank god. She's the best therapist I've ever had.  I came out of the session feeling really heard and cared for, which is exactly what I needed. I need so much more of that in my life.
• R called Jill, my CPN (community psychiatric nurse) on Monday- she's off sick. Again. And there's no one to cover her. Again.  The receptionist said that she might have been back in today, but we didn't even bother calling this morning. Jill is supposed to be my "care co-ordinator" but the service is just so crap...I've honestly almost given up on the NHS mental health services. They are that bad.
• Went to choir tonight, as this week is actually concert week.  I was nervous since it was the first time leaving the house alone since the scariness on Friday (should probably say that the problem right now is that everything is a trigger for me which results in wild mood swings, anger, and self-destructive behaviour so I generally need to be in as calm and routine an environment as possible) but it was okay. Actually, better than okay. Yay singing. Tomorrow will be a test since we've got to go all the way to Manchester for the orchestra rehearsal, but hopefully that'll be okay as well. Concert Thursday evening.
• I'm off work at the very least for the next two weeks, and probably the next three weeks. I also leave for Trinidad on the 24th, so there is actually every possibility that I might not go to work at all this month. Not what I wanted, but not my choice- I'm actually not allowed to go into the office until my GP and Occupational Health says I'm okay to work (my meltdown on Friday happened at the office, in full view of my bosses and senior colleagues. YAY.)  Yes, this is pretty much a re-run of when I got kicked out of UNC for half a semester back in 2003. Yes, this is a pretty traumatic experience. I understand their reasoning, though, and I know my bosses and colleagues care and just want me to get better.