"Anemic Corner" 1.0
Welcome.
For those of you who do not understand what the concept behind me using "anemic" for everything, you only need to reflect on a journal once entitled "Anemic Divinity". For those who have no clue what anemic divinity is, I will be nice enough to inform you. Anemic Divinity, simply translated into Weak God. After that I got hooked on the term "anemic" simply because I like how it sounds. Sense then, a series of "anemic" something or another has been produced, most recently being the "Anemic Corner". And I believe that is where you're next question pops up: "What the hell is the Anemic Corner?" Well kiddies, the "Anemic Corner" is my way of expressing myself. Whenever you see the subject starting off with "Anemic Corner", that usually means something is wrong with me. But because I apparently have five friends "SWORM" to my aid, I've decided to make it pain stakingly obvious when something is up. Therefor, any dick head who feels the need to comment in my journal about me growing up can bend over and kiss their own fucking ass. Last time I checked, about ninty percent of my fucking friends have gone away to better things. And just to dumb it up for those of you who need it, there are three people here in Washington who actually interact with me without some kind of bad thing happening. Those three are: Brian, Mina and Flowerpower. BUT, the impending doom of my friendships is not what currently created the idea of the "Anemic Corner". Actually, there probably is no god damn point in continuing seeing how half of you have either A) skipped ahead or B) stopped reading period, but because I actually don't give a fuck if anyone actually reads this, I'm continuing. And so it begins .....
A few weeks ago I felt like the biggest dumbass ever. Simply because I realized I'm still in love with a certain person. While this knowledge not only pissed me off far more then anything else on this planet has, it also make me sick to think that I could. I'm not going to sit here and degrade the person or say how I was a saint and she was Lucifer trapped in a females body, I am going to say one simple fact. I hardly notice her absence in my life. That comment would raise the question, "well, dumbass, how do you know you still love her then?" Well, Stupid Fuck, its because I still get this feeling in my stomach when she is around. I still get the feeling like I'm a insignificant piece of shit when she is around. I still feel myself wanting to be taken into her arms and held tightly whenever I'm in the same room as her. Yes, I realize Mina may possibly be reading this, but I'm not worried about it. Simply because whenever this certain individual isn't around, I'm happy. I feel good about myself whenever the person isn't around. Yes, I love both "Lois" and Mina very much, however, there is no way in hell I would ever go back to "Lois". There is no way in hell we could stand being around each other long enough to settle any difference we have. Not to mention the fact that my wounds are still mending, a fact I hate to admit. But it is the truth. I have never cared for someone as much as I cared for "Lois" and when what happened happened ... something was ripped from my chest. And whatever it was, at the time it was a mortal wound. And if you don't know what a "mortal wound" is, just smack yourself right now.
-[ Why in the hell am I sharing all this shit? ]-
Right, so, yeah, I've been dealing with the fact that I have to live with what happened. It's obvious that she is over it and not to mention its been almost A F*CKING YEAR!!! Mina is helping with the mending process. She's different, a breath of fresh air, or a second chance at life if you will. The sad part is, I keep holding back because I am afraid still. I'm afraid that Mina will up and decide that she'll just leave to do whatever. I know I play the big tough guy who doesn't let anything effect him, but I'm probably the most emotionally unstable S.O.B. you'll ever meet. There are a lot things that effect me that I've gotten very good at hiding. But the biggest give away is the music I listen to. If anyone has actually paid attention to the music I choose to listen to they'll notice it directly connects to my mood. Check that shit out sometime, you'll see what I'm talking about ... if you know me well enough. Anyways, so, yeah, thats basically the "big thing" in my life right now. Extremely sad that the only thing worth sharing in my life is that I'm still a wreck because of something that happened almost a year ago. But that has been the focus of my attention for awhile.
-[ No, really, why in the hell am I sharing all this with all of you? ]-
Whats really interesting is my parents. Well, more so my mom then my dad simply because I highly doubt my father gives a fuck whats going on in my life. He spent seventeen to eighteen years as a shadow and I think he is comfortable that way. My mother on the other hand, can't seem to realize that something is wrong with me and because of that, I'm easily set off by the dumb shit she says. I don't blame her for it because she doesn't know, but I would think she would try to sit me down and just talk. We used to do that, back in Hawaii. She would come into my room and we'd just talk. Me and her, no one else allowed in my room the entire time we spoke. That ended as soon as she told me I had to leave my friends and life behind in Hawaii. Being a military kid, I should be used to it, except for the fact I had a week to say my good byes and pack everything. Anyone who has had to say good bye to people they care for and pack know that a week is nowhere near enough time. But since then me and my mom have been going at it non-stop and it irritates me that she doesn't get why. But, thats life I guess. I can't expect her to understand everything or know what I'm feeling every second of every day. I guess I could also start trying to have conversations with her like we used to, ya know, build that relationship back up. AND NO!!! I'm not a mommas boy, she's just easy to talk to. Anyone who knows my mom understands that she is not like your run of the mill mother. I can talk about anything with her, and not have to worry about her using it against me. Our relationship is a very very open one. But thats all good ...
-[ I've just realized how much I've written. I'm a damned pansy. ]
For those of you who do not understand what the concept behind me using "anemic" for everything, you only need to reflect on a journal once entitled "Anemic Divinity". For those who have no clue what anemic divinity is, I will be nice enough to inform you. Anemic Divinity, simply translated into Weak God. After that I got hooked on the term "anemic" simply because I like how it sounds. Sense then, a series of "anemic" something or another has been produced, most recently being the "Anemic Corner". And I believe that is where you're next question pops up: "What the hell is the Anemic Corner?" Well kiddies, the "Anemic Corner" is my way of expressing myself. Whenever you see the subject starting off with "Anemic Corner", that usually means something is wrong with me. But because I apparently have five friends "SWORM" to my aid, I've decided to make it pain stakingly obvious when something is up. Therefor, any dick head who feels the need to comment in my journal about me growing up can bend over and kiss their own fucking ass. Last time I checked, about ninty percent of my fucking friends have gone away to better things. And just to dumb it up for those of you who need it, there are three people here in Washington who actually interact with me without some kind of bad thing happening. Those three are: Brian, Mina and Flowerpower. BUT, the impending doom of my friendships is not what currently created the idea of the "Anemic Corner". Actually, there probably is no god damn point in continuing seeing how half of you have either A) skipped ahead or B) stopped reading period, but because I actually don't give a fuck if anyone actually reads this, I'm continuing. And so it begins .....
A few weeks ago I felt like the biggest dumbass ever. Simply because I realized I'm still in love with a certain person. While this knowledge not only pissed me off far more then anything else on this planet has, it also make me sick to think that I could. I'm not going to sit here and degrade the person or say how I was a saint and she was Lucifer trapped in a females body, I am going to say one simple fact. I hardly notice her absence in my life. That comment would raise the question, "well, dumbass, how do you know you still love her then?" Well, Stupid Fuck, its because I still get this feeling in my stomach when she is around. I still get the feeling like I'm a insignificant piece of shit when she is around. I still feel myself wanting to be taken into her arms and held tightly whenever I'm in the same room as her. Yes, I realize Mina may possibly be reading this, but I'm not worried about it. Simply because whenever this certain individual isn't around, I'm happy. I feel good about myself whenever the person isn't around. Yes, I love both "Lois" and Mina very much, however, there is no way in hell I would ever go back to "Lois". There is no way in hell we could stand being around each other long enough to settle any difference we have. Not to mention the fact that my wounds are still mending, a fact I hate to admit. But it is the truth. I have never cared for someone as much as I cared for "Lois" and when what happened happened ... something was ripped from my chest. And whatever it was, at the time it was a mortal wound. And if you don't know what a "mortal wound" is, just smack yourself right now.
-[ Why in the hell am I sharing all this shit? ]-
Right, so, yeah, I've been dealing with the fact that I have to live with what happened. It's obvious that she is over it and not to mention its been almost A F*CKING YEAR!!! Mina is helping with the mending process. She's different, a breath of fresh air, or a second chance at life if you will. The sad part is, I keep holding back because I am afraid still. I'm afraid that Mina will up and decide that she'll just leave to do whatever. I know I play the big tough guy who doesn't let anything effect him, but I'm probably the most emotionally unstable S.O.B. you'll ever meet. There are a lot things that effect me that I've gotten very good at hiding. But the biggest give away is the music I listen to. If anyone has actually paid attention to the music I choose to listen to they'll notice it directly connects to my mood. Check that shit out sometime, you'll see what I'm talking about ... if you know me well enough. Anyways, so, yeah, thats basically the "big thing" in my life right now. Extremely sad that the only thing worth sharing in my life is that I'm still a wreck because of something that happened almost a year ago. But that has been the focus of my attention for awhile.
-[ No, really, why in the hell am I sharing all this with all of you? ]-
Whats really interesting is my parents. Well, more so my mom then my dad simply because I highly doubt my father gives a fuck whats going on in my life. He spent seventeen to eighteen years as a shadow and I think he is comfortable that way. My mother on the other hand, can't seem to realize that something is wrong with me and because of that, I'm easily set off by the dumb shit she says. I don't blame her for it because she doesn't know, but I would think she would try to sit me down and just talk. We used to do that, back in Hawaii. She would come into my room and we'd just talk. Me and her, no one else allowed in my room the entire time we spoke. That ended as soon as she told me I had to leave my friends and life behind in Hawaii. Being a military kid, I should be used to it, except for the fact I had a week to say my good byes and pack everything. Anyone who has had to say good bye to people they care for and pack know that a week is nowhere near enough time. But since then me and my mom have been going at it non-stop and it irritates me that she doesn't get why. But, thats life I guess. I can't expect her to understand everything or know what I'm feeling every second of every day. I guess I could also start trying to have conversations with her like we used to, ya know, build that relationship back up. AND NO!!! I'm not a mommas boy, she's just easy to talk to. Anyone who knows my mom understands that she is not like your run of the mill mother. I can talk about anything with her, and not have to worry about her using it against me. Our relationship is a very very open one. But thats all good ...
-[ I've just realized how much I've written. I'm a damned pansy. ]