Bright Darkness
Based on true events and the poem ‘Bright Darkness’ by Samantha M. P.
Between the moments I am sleeping, and the time I pull myself out from under the sheets; I spend some time thinking. I’m sure everyone does it; just lies there in bed and mulls over every little thing that has happened in the past day, or week… even their whole life.
That’s me; I tend to think about everything I’ve done wrong in my life.
The sun is peeping through my blinds. I can just make it out through the gaps. It sends a comforting message to me, but there are other things - darker things, that have taken refuge in me and they are not allowing any sort of comfort to penetrate through.
However, the thought of sun persuades me to pull back the covers and crawl from my bed. I am sitting upright on the edge of the mattress, staring blankly at my desk. I blink a couple of times before yawning and lifting my self to a stand.
My eyes hurt; they hurt even more when I open the blinds and the sun spills in. It raids every part of my room and lights up my face. I close my eyes tightly, blinking a lot more to deal with the strain. I stretch my jaw too; it feels just as strained as my eyes.
I turn to the mirror and breathe in carefully. There, in front of me, is the sullen form that is Samantha Marshall Parker. That person who’s been the cause for all my problems, can’t bring myself to smile at her, I can’t be bothered to show any kindness at all to her; but we must work together to keep this hatred from everyone else - especially my family, the one’s who care most.
Such a nice day, she, Samantha, says to me why don’t you give me a smile, give yourself on too, then perhaps we can feel so much better. I narrow my eyes and turn away from her, walking - dragging - myself through the door into the hallway. The skylight in the roof, the light source; I feel like a stranger to death. Unsure about where I’m going, or why, or even weather I really want to. The kitchen is the light at the end, the light I’m walking towards, and standing there is a familiar face.
The woman who gave me life, she holds out her arms and invites me. I lay my head against her chest and close my eyes, her arms cradle me like they did when I just born. I feel like a child all over again, I feel like I’m in the best place there is, I don’t want to leave here.
I love being in someone’s arms. I feel safe.
‘Good morning,’ she coos, ‘did you have a nice sleep?’
I nod and give her a lying smile, ‘Yes, did you?’
‘Yeah, I’m going in for a shower, can you feed the cat?’
Another nod. From outside I can hear the whining sound of the cat. The brave fighter who roams the streets at night, in search of whatever it feels it needs.
‘Are you okay?’ the woman asks from behind me,
I turn and look at her, the snakes and flies leave my lips in the form of a lie, ‘Yes.’ That should set her worries aside.
* * *
The bus, like my room, is a refuge.
Which the harsh lyrics and loud music raving through my ears I am at a peace that only the music can bring; of course, it doesn’t cure me of my dark thoughts, it only pushes them to the back of my mind, and at the moment that is all I need.
The lyrics tell me a story of pains that I could never relate to without guilt. I know there are worse things that could break a person. However, Samantha tells me I have the right to feel the way I do without feeling guilty, and while these thoughts are in my mind, they alone are the worst things.
I feel like a zombie; letting my mind dissolve into the music as the cheerfulness outside taunts me. I see people the same age as me, people with other people. Couples, I hate them the most because I have never, never felt like half of a couple.
The bus reaches the destination, and from there I walk. I walk quickly, because the music compels me to. I walk with fear, because of where I’m going. I know, that it is not them I fear, it is Samantha, what going to happen between her and me?
I reach a street, and she whispers sweetly in my ear, maybe today, maybe today one will hit you and that will be the end of you and I…
I close my eyes, maybe.I get to school, the prison decorated with a hate and jealousy that only teenage girls can express.
The best company I have is Samantha. She isn’t always as bad as I make her out to be. He’s just the only person I should be blaming for my problems, because he is the cause of them. I know that if I hadn’t listened to her back at my old school, things with me and the other girls, and everyone else who had the misfortune of meeting me, would be different.
If I could go back I would change everything.
I don’t want to be the person I am, I don’t like the person I was and I don’t think I’ll like the person I’m becoming.
Samantha used to always tell me that everyone else was causing my problems. She used to always say that they weren’t treating you as well as they should, and that they don’t care about you as much as they do each other. He told me they were only pretending to be my friends, because they didn’t want to make me upset, because they were worried I’d go crazy and hurt them.
Then I found out who the real problem was.
I hate myself, I hate Samantha. I hate the way I think most of all, and again it comes back to Samantha. She is the one doing this to me and I try to push her away, and tell her that I don’t believe what she says, and that she’s overreacting and that he should leave me alone, but it doesn’t work.
Now, she gives me lines like this:
‘What’s the point anymore? I don’t even like school. It’s not like I’m any good at it anyway, I’m not good at any of my subject. I have no motivation. This is ridiculous, I shouldn’t have to keep coming if I don’t want to, I just want to do nothing, I mean, it’s not like any of this will amount to anything in the future. It’s stupid and I’m sick of it. I wish I could just die so I don’t have to live with it anymore.’
* * *
To be continued...