To know the future.
That's how I feel right now: like I understand the future. Not my future years from now, but the future that would be back in 2004. I wrote a post back then about school:
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Some people wish they had more discipline... more drive so that they would get better grades. They wish the could study better and work harder to make that A in each class.
To those wishing such things, let me tell you that it can suck have such an attribute.
Throughout my day, thoughts of my chem exam loomed. I would boil and stew. There was one point where I nearly smacked my forehead when I realized how to do a problem that I couldn't figure out... and it was really simple! I think part of why I did so poorly is that I just screwed around all of yesterday.
Sometimes it's nice to be able to just say, "Ah, screw it," and don't be bothered by the glaring B that sits defiantly on the report card. Last night I decided to have some fun, dink around, and not study much - the time I spent dancing I should have spent studying. And this is the consequence. *sighs* I understand that you shouldn't expect to get A's throughout college, since expectations are much different than in high school. But... I'm pretty sure that I could probably pull it off, if I just worked a little harder. I want to have a social life and be able to have some fun, but I also want to do well in my classes. I know that college is all about learning more about yourself, having a good time, etc., etc., but I still get frustrated when I do poorly on an exam.
My point is (for me, at least) that the very drive that gets me A's in my classes also makes my mood fluctuate like the tides and squanders time that could be better spent building lasting friendships. I have such a hard time finding the right balance... I'm either all work and no play, or all play and no work, and it just doesn't work. For me, I can't seem to break even and settle for B's and A's. Sometimes I get so jealous of Maureen's ability to do the work that counts, draw a lot from each class, and still have a great life outside of academia. People say grades really aren't that important, that it's more about what you get out of it, and blah blah blah. It's like an addiction for me, though! I get a little burst of endorphins every time I see that shining red A at the top of my homework/paper/quiz/exam.
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I guess it all worked out after all. Now I am set to fulfill my dreams of studying sustainable design, a goal I wasn't sure would be possible. Plus, attending Stanford University on a full-ride fellowship (meaning no work obligations) is no minor feat. All that seemingly pointless work in college has miraculously paid off -- big time. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for instilling in me a compulsive desire to succeed and do my best. I could not have made it this far without you.
I was looking over class descriptions today and working myself into an excited lather. The class topics all seem so interesting; it will be difficult to not take everything. It's such a novel idea: a course schedule that has me vamped up to learn. Guess that's the beauty of grad school. I haven't even explored the offerings of other departments. Fortunately, I have a few connections with current grad students so I can ask their input.
Thinking about it from an outside perspective, I am so blessed to be where I am. Thank you, God, for all the tremendous gifts that you have offered me. I as so profoundly grateful I could never hope to fully express it.
---
Some people wish they had more discipline... more drive so that they would get better grades. They wish the could study better and work harder to make that A in each class.
To those wishing such things, let me tell you that it can suck have such an attribute.
Throughout my day, thoughts of my chem exam loomed. I would boil and stew. There was one point where I nearly smacked my forehead when I realized how to do a problem that I couldn't figure out... and it was really simple! I think part of why I did so poorly is that I just screwed around all of yesterday.
Sometimes it's nice to be able to just say, "Ah, screw it," and don't be bothered by the glaring B that sits defiantly on the report card. Last night I decided to have some fun, dink around, and not study much - the time I spent dancing I should have spent studying. And this is the consequence. *sighs* I understand that you shouldn't expect to get A's throughout college, since expectations are much different than in high school. But... I'm pretty sure that I could probably pull it off, if I just worked a little harder. I want to have a social life and be able to have some fun, but I also want to do well in my classes. I know that college is all about learning more about yourself, having a good time, etc., etc., but I still get frustrated when I do poorly on an exam.
My point is (for me, at least) that the very drive that gets me A's in my classes also makes my mood fluctuate like the tides and squanders time that could be better spent building lasting friendships. I have such a hard time finding the right balance... I'm either all work and no play, or all play and no work, and it just doesn't work. For me, I can't seem to break even and settle for B's and A's. Sometimes I get so jealous of Maureen's ability to do the work that counts, draw a lot from each class, and still have a great life outside of academia. People say grades really aren't that important, that it's more about what you get out of it, and blah blah blah. It's like an addiction for me, though! I get a little burst of endorphins every time I see that shining red A at the top of my homework/paper/quiz/exam.
---
I guess it all worked out after all. Now I am set to fulfill my dreams of studying sustainable design, a goal I wasn't sure would be possible. Plus, attending Stanford University on a full-ride fellowship (meaning no work obligations) is no minor feat. All that seemingly pointless work in college has miraculously paid off -- big time. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for instilling in me a compulsive desire to succeed and do my best. I could not have made it this far without you.
I was looking over class descriptions today and working myself into an excited lather. The class topics all seem so interesting; it will be difficult to not take everything. It's such a novel idea: a course schedule that has me vamped up to learn. Guess that's the beauty of grad school. I haven't even explored the offerings of other departments. Fortunately, I have a few connections with current grad students so I can ask their input.
Thinking about it from an outside perspective, I am so blessed to be where I am. Thank you, God, for all the tremendous gifts that you have offered me. I as so profoundly grateful I could never hope to fully express it.