A Safe Place in the Valley of Doubt
I have reached a safer place.
Finally.
The drive up to Seattle was brutal. Brenda and Andrew Sutton gushed the whole car ride about their new and exciting relationships. I was very happy for them, but immaturely resentful of them not intuitively recognizing my own pain.
When I get upset, I direct the energy inward and close myself off. Then I secretly hope that someone will reach out to me, recognize my hurt, give me attention. And even then, sometimes I deflect it. It's childish, akin to the boy who demonstrates his affections by antagonizing his female classmate.
I've had some important revelations through the course of the retreat. I knew it would be incredibly challenging. I had no idea it would be so much so.
The first came from Brenda. In any given conflict or situation, you can choose to change how you deal with it, or how you feel about it. For example, perhaps my disapproval of Alaina not having a driver's license illuminates some aspect of my own character. How shall I deal with it? This realization started the paradigm shift.
The second came during the introductory meeting. I heard it before, but someone said, "Ask for what you want, and take what you get / be okay with not getting it." I rarely ask for what I want when I'm upset. The whole time during the car ride, I wanted to talk about me, about my emotions, about my breakup with Alaina. But I couldn't initiate it. I needed someone to ask me the questions, to get me started. I need to learn how to speak for myself.
The last came during Ted's class on breathing. I started breathing deeply and started to release some negative energy about Alaina and Topher (that story comes later). Suddenly I was getting very upset. I couldn't regulate my breathing, my face twisted with anguish, and I lost focus. I had finally opened myself up since Alaina and I broke up. I found a festering pool of hurt and resentment and self-doubt. I could feel it just waiting to be released. Excusing myself from the classroom, I retreated to the outside of the house and - eventually - the inside of my car. There, in relative privacy, I found release. I let it all go. I screamed and cried and railed and caterwauled and breathed deeply and emanated angry, black energy. It proved a surprisingly cathartic moment. When I finally settled down, I felt released and weightless, unencumbered by my blistering negativity directed toward Topher (and, to some extent, Alaina). I returned, people came to me one-on-one and offered their support. I felt loved... and loving myself. The upshot was realizing the power of breathing deeply and understanding how to access my locked away emotions. Granted, it helped that they were fresh and raw and particularly painful, but I think the process will also work with other more subtle emotions.
And now I'm in a safe place. I am fully present. I am ready. Plus, I taught my lesson and it went really well. World, bring it on, bitch.
Back to classes; I'll share the whole source of my anguish later.
Finally.
The drive up to Seattle was brutal. Brenda and Andrew Sutton gushed the whole car ride about their new and exciting relationships. I was very happy for them, but immaturely resentful of them not intuitively recognizing my own pain.
When I get upset, I direct the energy inward and close myself off. Then I secretly hope that someone will reach out to me, recognize my hurt, give me attention. And even then, sometimes I deflect it. It's childish, akin to the boy who demonstrates his affections by antagonizing his female classmate.
I've had some important revelations through the course of the retreat. I knew it would be incredibly challenging. I had no idea it would be so much so.
The first came from Brenda. In any given conflict or situation, you can choose to change how you deal with it, or how you feel about it. For example, perhaps my disapproval of Alaina not having a driver's license illuminates some aspect of my own character. How shall I deal with it? This realization started the paradigm shift.
The second came during the introductory meeting. I heard it before, but someone said, "Ask for what you want, and take what you get / be okay with not getting it." I rarely ask for what I want when I'm upset. The whole time during the car ride, I wanted to talk about me, about my emotions, about my breakup with Alaina. But I couldn't initiate it. I needed someone to ask me the questions, to get me started. I need to learn how to speak for myself.
The last came during Ted's class on breathing. I started breathing deeply and started to release some negative energy about Alaina and Topher (that story comes later). Suddenly I was getting very upset. I couldn't regulate my breathing, my face twisted with anguish, and I lost focus. I had finally opened myself up since Alaina and I broke up. I found a festering pool of hurt and resentment and self-doubt. I could feel it just waiting to be released. Excusing myself from the classroom, I retreated to the outside of the house and - eventually - the inside of my car. There, in relative privacy, I found release. I let it all go. I screamed and cried and railed and caterwauled and breathed deeply and emanated angry, black energy. It proved a surprisingly cathartic moment. When I finally settled down, I felt released and weightless, unencumbered by my blistering negativity directed toward Topher (and, to some extent, Alaina). I returned, people came to me one-on-one and offered their support. I felt loved... and loving myself. The upshot was realizing the power of breathing deeply and understanding how to access my locked away emotions. Granted, it helped that they were fresh and raw and particularly painful, but I think the process will also work with other more subtle emotions.
And now I'm in a safe place. I am fully present. I am ready. Plus, I taught my lesson and it went really well. World, bring it on, bitch.
Back to classes; I'll share the whole source of my anguish later.