Light House
You know what a light house is. It's that beacon of light that guides you in, or around, or to. It makes things visible again. It's that light that draws you in. It is the center of everything it touches, and all you want to do is stand in the middle of it and watch the light touch everything around you. There is something particularly magical, mystical about light houses. They are beautiful. Darin is like a light house.
He missed me. He missed me enough to break the silence. I did not have to do it. He encouraged me to follow my dreams. He got vulnerable with me about himself. About his insecurities with his speech. That voice that I find to be the most beautiful sound Ive ever heard. I would give anything to hear it again. I do everything I can to encourage him. I love when he opens up to me though. We talked about me visiting. And how mom mom is not real thrilled about that idea. He was very understanding. He said that he can see where she is coming from. You see. It is things like this that make him so incredible. That make me want him all the more.
Everything about this is what I am currently wishing for. MN had to go and snow again today. Everything in me just wants to see green, and flowers, and be warm. Course a small part of me knows that those things means it is closer to June/July. I would visit him in June. He would visit here in July. If he were to be able to take the time to spend any time with me while he is here... He has his family that he needs to spend time with. But I cannot help but be a little bit selfish when it comes to him. He's a lot like the sun. Much like the light in the light house. But brighter even. yes. He is warm. Inviting. You want to bask in his presence. He reminds me of summer days. Of things that are bright. Desired. Things that grow into their beauty. Maybe that is what our relationship will be like. We have to grow into our beauty. =)
I realize that there are a lot of people that are worried about me and my heart. I feel that. And I get it. Because I have been turned completely upside down by him. But the thing is... It all feels so right. And Im just not worried about it. If I've lost time, I'll make it up. I know that no matter what happens. I am going to be okay. I always am okay. I have been through hurt before. This time is only different in that I feel really great about everything. He may frustrated me a ton and a half. But everything keeps going. I still smile no matter what the case may be.
I think people tend to forget the part where I wasn't looking for love when I met him. I wasn't looking for it. I wasn't even asking for it. I had become very okay with being single and the way that things were. Then he showed up. He reached out to me. He saw me, and found me beautiful. And he pursued me. It fell into place. And it hasn't gone away, simply because I can't just make it go away. My feelings are real. They are there. It's just how it is.
Honestly. When I first met Darin, that night, I giggled to myself that I had to take this table of young guys. I felt a sweet, nice little connection with him, but didn't think much of it until they left and I found his number. And that's when it really hit me. I looked back, thinking, he was cute, nothing special. Just alright. But I still got that tingly feeling. Then we talked, and he came over the next night, and as we got to know each other, he became more and more beautiful. Absolutely the sexiest man I had ever laid eyes on. Because I was falling in love with him so quickly, I found him more and more attractive. And even still, nothing can change my mind on that.
Over the months my feelings have changed for him. This is true. I am still desperately in love with him. But I now know it's a deeper love than just a purely physical attachment. I haven't seen him in months, so nothing physical has even been an option. But we talk. We connect. Everything has to be mental, spiritual. Nothing can be physical. We are slowly learning more and more about each other. So no. Its no the same as it was when we met. But that's a good thing. There is more of a mature look on it. All we can do is talk and discover through words instead of flesh. There are things about him that are disappointing. Mostly certain lifestyle choices and habits that I do not agree with. That actually hurt me more than he knows. but that's pretty much it. I love how passionate he can be. How caring he is. How sensitive he can be. I love the respect he has for people. For working hard. I am so proud of him. And knowing that he is starting to see those things that I see in him is making me so happy.
I know the next time I finally see my phone light up with his name... Its going to be a heart stopping moment. Because every time we talk, makes my breath hitch. I hang on his words.
I hope with everything inside of me, that things stay more than good between us, and that I can keep working hard to earn enough money to be able to afford to visit him. Things are getting tougher with gas prices, but I am trying so hard. And I just want to see him. I know that us being in the same room together, that is what could really change things. We are getting to know each other all over again, and on a deeper level. But that electricity that exists between us, there is a hunger and power there, thats truly hard to ignore.
We connect.
