(no subject)
I concern myself with so much, all the time. My mind just keeps trying to analyze everything and that is a key ingredient of all of my problems. These problems are simply pro-active negative thought; logic manipulated by some sort of subtle, anxiety ridden backdrop that perhaps is just a part of me. The anxiety alone wouldn't be so bad if it weren't so clued into my logical bent. If only. I can taint the most beautiful moments simply by realising that I can. The moment that particular thought steps forward, the cage is unlocked, and, if the environment is right, out steps this subtle, destructive beast.
Moments that should be serene are taken from me. If they're not replaced with some woeful, uncomfortable situation then they're simply nullified and I'm left empty.
I must say of course that there's a positive side. When the cage door is closed I take the utmost pleasure in little things, maybe because I just cannot take them for granted. When a cool wind rushes down the street on the way to work; while others bury their neck in their collar and their hands in their pockets, I imagine I'm trudging through crisp snow on some mountain ridge, indeed I feel like I actually am. It's an imagination that transcends the visual. When a leaf falls in autumn I see the leaf for everything it can symbolise. The smile on my face in that moment spreads to the next thing I experience and so on.
One moment I can be anything I want to be, and in other moments I can't leave the house. This treads right back to my childhood. My comfort zone was my world. A tiny place made limitless by this imagination.
I don't have any answers for myself in writing this, it's just what is coming out at the bottom end of a bottle, (with cool, calm melancholic piano in my ears no less).
I feel that what I must do is achieve the relative absence of stress, (with stress being a creeping, insidious thing that most people suffer unwittingly. I despise the stuff). I think then, while my eccentricities will affect me just as much, I should have a healthy slant to the positive aspects. I could be happy being that character, it's a character I do respect when I'm there.
It's probably bed time, goodnight :)
Moments that should be serene are taken from me. If they're not replaced with some woeful, uncomfortable situation then they're simply nullified and I'm left empty.
I must say of course that there's a positive side. When the cage door is closed I take the utmost pleasure in little things, maybe because I just cannot take them for granted. When a cool wind rushes down the street on the way to work; while others bury their neck in their collar and their hands in their pockets, I imagine I'm trudging through crisp snow on some mountain ridge, indeed I feel like I actually am. It's an imagination that transcends the visual. When a leaf falls in autumn I see the leaf for everything it can symbolise. The smile on my face in that moment spreads to the next thing I experience and so on.
One moment I can be anything I want to be, and in other moments I can't leave the house. This treads right back to my childhood. My comfort zone was my world. A tiny place made limitless by this imagination.
I don't have any answers for myself in writing this, it's just what is coming out at the bottom end of a bottle, (with cool, calm melancholic piano in my ears no less).
I feel that what I must do is achieve the relative absence of stress, (with stress being a creeping, insidious thing that most people suffer unwittingly. I despise the stuff). I think then, while my eccentricities will affect me just as much, I should have a healthy slant to the positive aspects. I could be happy being that character, it's a character I do respect when I'm there.
It's probably bed time, goodnight :)