Smokes and Mirrors
Just an update.
I have finally realised that there is no point in writing a blog expecting readers. I just can't bring myself to do something for someone else if not for myself. Yes, I am that selfish. I want to write for magazines as I don't want the trouble of having to "charm" someone into my writing..."glamour" them in vampiric ways (too much True Blood!).
When I was young I had big rows with my mother. I remember every time she would look at me in disgust and say "You are so cynical!". I never really understood what she meant and she could never quite explain it. Everytime she would say "Oh you know...it's basically lying to yourself."
Today I finally understood what the word meant...and it is very funny how other people might perceive you, they are not always right, but sometimes they are spot on and you don't even notice.
I was discussing with a friend today how I am tired of putting effort into social situations. In a way I feel that it is expected of me to put an effort, when I have noticed most people don't. I think people in general try to identify and find someone close, or even remotely similar to their ways of thinking. What I can't really grasp is how they expect to do it without a proper conversation. I like to meet new people, I feel like it's unexplored territory...what can you find? Are they really honest? What are our differences and similarities? Instead, I feel that very few people have the same curiosity, they expect you to click straight away and become best friends. It does happen sometimes, but not as often as one might think.
I also talked about myself sexually with said friend, I really enjoy voyeurism. I think it is because I can consider it "safe"...I watch, as if I'm not there. I like it and even though sometimes I want to be part of the action, I withdraw from it into my own little space...the distance is comforting. I am curious about people's bodies, how they look naked and yes I am a pervert (but a nice healthy one!). I can't bring someone into my bed easily for example though as one I don't feel safe...the intimacy, the closeness...it's all too fast. Two, the few experiences I have had with alcohol and one night stands...I don't like to be able to smell the person afterwards. The last time I could still smell the guy in my bed, my clothes, myself...and I couldn't stop feeling sick until I put all that to wash.
At the same time that I like the "distance", I am quite "open". Some people will say "oh I don't want to talk about it" or "We'll talk about that tomorrow". I however, am an open book which I find quite ironic. I have noticed however that I have lost quite a lot of my interest in people...I no longer look for someone or expect them to be interesting. Make no mistake, I will stay add the random guy to my messenger expecting him to have something interesting to say, but I no longer hold the naivety to think that he is. If I meet someone interesting, I now just pay attention to something else or find something else to occupy my mind with. It is the effort, that now I am tired of providing and not getting it back. Even on a social network I go into, I used to spend hours and hours in chat, talking about the most varied subjects...but now? I go in and no one has anything to say...it's all endless jokes and silliness that really don't change my day, my life or adds anything.
All the places I have found people as well doesn't help...I know a thousand different websites to "meet" people and each will claim to contain a different type of group/ghetto or whatever you want to call it. Truth is, they are all the same! You will find the same type/kind of person in all of them...they are just different aspects to one same person, who most of the time is in a social networking website and doesn't really want or bother being social.
When I told my friend "I think maybe I am becoming a cynic..."
His reply was: "Becoming...?"
So yes...I think my mother knew back then, what I took 26 years to find out!
Joni Mitchell - Big Yellow Taxi
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
With a pink hotel *, a boutique
And a swinging hot spot
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot