"you cannot have adventures without grief"
Heard from my dad yesterday in a bit of triangulation. Dad's just...I can't even deal with the idea of dad right now. I am full of very difficult emotions this week, and it's making it hard to work on my dissertation. I don't know how to care for myself emotionally. I just fail at life this week.
I just keep reminding myself that it's okay to be like this. I feel shitty, and it's okay. I'm allowed to have hard, difficult emotions. I'm allowed to feel down and sad and depressed, and yeah, it's okay to find it difficult to do the work I need to do, because I'm human and dammit, I'm hurting. I'm allowed to be human and just be imperfect sometimes. I seem to react like I've committed a mortal sin every time I feel down, or can't manage, or mess up. Not surprising, I guess, given the way I was raised. Having a narcissistic mother, being the caretaker of the family, and brought up in a particularly Irish Catholicism = a big ol' toxic mess. It means I'm programmed to feel like everything's my fault, and that failure is not an option.
The title of this post is a quote from The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making. I find it reassuring.
Heard from my dad yesterday in a bit of triangulation. Dad's just...I can't even deal with the idea of dad right now. I am full of very difficult emotions this week, and it's making it hard to work on my dissertation. I don't know how to care for myself emotionally. I just fail at life this week.
I just keep reminding myself that it's okay to be like this. I feel shitty, and it's okay. I'm allowed to have hard, difficult emotions. I'm allowed to feel down and sad and depressed, and yeah, it's okay to find it difficult to do the work I need to do, because I'm human and dammit, I'm hurting. I'm allowed to be human and just be imperfect sometimes. I seem to react like I've committed a mortal sin every time I feel down, or can't manage, or mess up. Not surprising, I guess, given the way I was raised. Having a narcissistic mother, being the caretaker of the family, and brought up in a particularly Irish Catholicism = a big ol' toxic mess. It means I'm programmed to feel like everything's my fault, and that failure is not an option.
The title of this post is a quote from The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making. I find it reassuring.