fuck
sadness
i pushed so hard today and i still didnt break
what i wouldnt give to starve for awhile
so tired
a poem:
i have a lover
and all i need is a friend
caught with my pants down again
fucking tired
fucking
fuck
fuck
fuck
when i'm alone it feels like she's there
it makes me so happy and so lonely
so sad but so thankful
if im lucky i can squeeze a hot tear
(they never burned before, why are they so hot?)
and i think i'm either losing it
or trying to get it back.
you ever hurt so much you just break apart, like your perception rises above it and you see yourself crying and you just can't believe that its you , so far down there in that hole?
i think i left my soul down there.
god i miss them.
the main problem? is that i seem to have lost a permanent mode of perception, and now i just see it however the situation calls for. and this thing where i want to say something and don't and end up killing the conversation. even when i'm not really in it. its just that the way i see it is so far from everyone else's. like the ball comes to me and i have a thought instead of a sentence. and everything dies. i have got to start saying that shit, but its so crazy.
i went to the grocery store on a high and made eye contact with everyone i could. i said hi to a hot girl. i felt like a thug, dressed like a warehouse laborer among all these rich middle agers. everyone i looked at immediately looked at me. i could feel them all, the most intense thing.... i gave a 35 year old blonde in a fur coat the eye and she looked at me and jumped.... i was ferocious. for the ten minutes i was in there i could hold off their expectations, i could stop myself from letting them define me ... but i was glad to leave. it was getting rough. jaded, blank eyed business men drones and i wanted to fight to kill their callousness, seeping like old greywater (for you city slickers, greywater is what comes out of a septic tank) .... some goofy old guy danced a jig with the tomatos and his wife and i laughed with each other, sparkle-eyed. there was a tiny young girl, she looked sick .... cancerous ....... so skinny, skin and bone and eyeballs ....
thats how it is for me. every second i have to fight to keep other people's states of mind from bringing me down. from killing me, eating me from the inside ... i looked at the parking lot boy and he was singing to himself and enjoying his work, but when he saw me looking he reverted to his defensive posture of practiced apathy, the droopy faced do-nothing mask .... goddamit kid free your mind or whatever ....
i love my job. its so good to work again.
thank you for your time.
i pushed so hard today and i still didnt break
what i wouldnt give to starve for awhile
so tired
a poem:
i have a lover
and all i need is a friend
caught with my pants down again
fucking tired
fucking
fuck
fuck
fuck
when i'm alone it feels like she's there
it makes me so happy and so lonely
so sad but so thankful
if im lucky i can squeeze a hot tear
(they never burned before, why are they so hot?)
and i think i'm either losing it
or trying to get it back.
you ever hurt so much you just break apart, like your perception rises above it and you see yourself crying and you just can't believe that its you , so far down there in that hole?
i think i left my soul down there.
god i miss them.
the main problem? is that i seem to have lost a permanent mode of perception, and now i just see it however the situation calls for. and this thing where i want to say something and don't and end up killing the conversation. even when i'm not really in it. its just that the way i see it is so far from everyone else's. like the ball comes to me and i have a thought instead of a sentence. and everything dies. i have got to start saying that shit, but its so crazy.
i went to the grocery store on a high and made eye contact with everyone i could. i said hi to a hot girl. i felt like a thug, dressed like a warehouse laborer among all these rich middle agers. everyone i looked at immediately looked at me. i could feel them all, the most intense thing.... i gave a 35 year old blonde in a fur coat the eye and she looked at me and jumped.... i was ferocious. for the ten minutes i was in there i could hold off their expectations, i could stop myself from letting them define me ... but i was glad to leave. it was getting rough. jaded, blank eyed business men drones and i wanted to fight to kill their callousness, seeping like old greywater (for you city slickers, greywater is what comes out of a septic tank) .... some goofy old guy danced a jig with the tomatos and his wife and i laughed with each other, sparkle-eyed. there was a tiny young girl, she looked sick .... cancerous ....... so skinny, skin and bone and eyeballs ....
thats how it is for me. every second i have to fight to keep other people's states of mind from bringing me down. from killing me, eating me from the inside ... i looked at the parking lot boy and he was singing to himself and enjoying his work, but when he saw me looking he reverted to his defensive posture of practiced apathy, the droopy faced do-nothing mask .... goddamit kid free your mind or whatever ....
i love my job. its so good to work again.
thank you for your time.