Random stuff..

[andy_star]

Well, I have managed to Actually Do Some Homework, and write some Disworld fanfic. I attempted to do my second Biol essay today, but my laptop went on the Blitz like you wouldn't believe. I browsed through some random files and found

YET ANOTHER HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S STONE ALTERNATE SCRIPT

NUMBER 4 PRIVET DRIVE- night

(PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE appears with a magical PEZ dispenser. He engages in some vandalism and knocks out all the streetlights.)

Dumbledore: Woo! I feel one hundred and ninety-three again!

(PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL, the PEDANTIC KITTY, appears onscreen and suddenly transmogrifies into a human. Or…a form of humanoid.)

Dumbledore: Okay, I give. Where's Jake and Cassie and Marco?

McGonagall: *ignores him* You're late.

Dumbledore: A wizard is never late, Fro….strange, I have the oddest sensation of déjà vu.

McGOnagall: Never mind, where's THE BEBE?

Dumbledore: THE BEBE? Oh, you mean HARRY. Yes, he's coming. I hired Lon Chaney to bring him.

McGonagall: Do you think that was wise?

Dumbledore: Perhaps not. Then again, I'm not working at my full potential. I may just kick the bucket at any moment. I thought I was supposed to be spry and energetic, not ancient and mummified!

McGonagall: Let us provide the backstory.

Audience: Blah, blah. Yeah, we KNOW.

(Suddenly a VERY LOUD MOTORCYLE comes flying down, HAGRID astride it. Perhaps the audience wonders why none of the neighbors can HEAR it.)

Dumbledore: My PEZ dispenser doubles as earplugs!

Audience: Convenient.

Dumbledore: You should see my Double-Butt Graft!

Audience: O_O

McGonagall: Hello? I'm trying to be prim and anal-retentive over here!

Dumbledore: Oh, right. Of course. Come, Hagrid. Bring…..THE BEBE.

(Hagrid shuffles over, sniffling.)

Hagrid: Do we haf' t' leave him with th' Muggles? Wouldn't th' Bangles be better? Or the Turtles?

Dumbledore: No, no, not a bit. We must leave him with the people most likely to whale upon him.

McGonagall: Well, at least he won't be egotistical.

Dumbledore: Yes! In fact he will have NO ego, due to the repressive and authoritarian environment his aunt and uncle will rule with! He is The Boy Who Lived….or something like it.

NUMBER 4 PRIVET DRIVE- an uncertain amount of time later

(The movie SWARMS with NEW ACTORS- HARRY, who deserves SYMPATHY; VERNON, who is LARGE; DUDLEY, who is LARGE; PETUNIA, who is so SKINNY she's barely VISIBLE.)

Harry: My aunt, uncle, and cousin hate me but I toil through most spectacularly. I figure the RSPOCC should be coming anyyyy day now….

Dudley: Whoo! Someone to whale on! I am so evil I will rain DUST upon Harry!

Vernon and Petunia: WE JUST HATE HIM! Grrrr.

Audience: Okay, this is plausible. We'll take it.

Director Chris Columbus: Score!

THE ZOO

Harry: I am still miserable at the zoo.

Dudley: I am still evil at the zoo.

Vernon and Petunia: WE STILL HATE HIM AT THE ZOO! Grrrr.

(HARRY discovers he can TALK to a BOA CONSTRICTOR. He does not find this odd.)

Harry: Cool, I can talk to the snake. Do you get a good health plan from the zoo, Snake?

Snake: Bassssic package….

Dudley: The snake is doing weird things! I want to see! Down you're going, Harry!

(DUDLEY shoves HARRY aside, and for revenge HARRY inadvertently TRAPS him in the SNAKE CAGE. The SNAKE ESCAPES.)

Robert DeNiro in an impossible cameo: Hey, what did I say about keeping the snake in its cage?? Wait, whoops- wrong movie.

NUMBER 4 PRIVET DRIVE

(VERNON is very, very angry at Harry. He therefore puts Harry in his little under-the-stairs-room.)

Harry: Hey, what's this Indian doing in my cupboard?

SOMETIME LATER

(Harry goes to get the mail. He gets a LETTER, which DUDLEY promptly spots and VERNON promptly steals.)

Harry: Hey, that's MY letter.

(VERNON quickly EATS the envelope.)

Vernon: What letter?

VARIOUS PLACES AROUND THE HOUSE

(OWLS, OWLS, OWLS, and MORE OWLS are arriving at Privet Drive. HARRY keeps receiving their LETTERS and VERNON eliminates them with EXTREMELY EXTREME PREJUDICE.)

Vernon: Full of vitamins and starch, these letters are. You should try them sometime, Harry.

Harry: Uncle Vernon, could you possibly stop EATING my mail? It's rather disturbing.

Vernon: Most certainly.

(Vernon hands the letters to DUDLEY, who promptly DEVOURS them.)

Harry: Um….not what I meant.

NUMBER 4 PRIVET DRIVE- Sunday

(It is SUNDAY.)

Vernon: Guess what? It's Sunday.

Audience: No, REALLY??

Vernon: There's no mail today. Today, which is Sunday.

Harry: I guess I won't be getting any letters today, seeing as it's Sunday.

Audience: AAAUUUGHH!!!!

(The HOUSE begins to RUMBLE. DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS has a "The Birds" moment as ENVELOPES begin spewing forth from the FIREPLACE.)

Dudley: Arg! Letters! Must freak out!

Vernon: Arg! Letters! Must over-act!

Petunia: Arg! Letters! Must be skinny!

Harry: I must stand on the table and leap around in the letters like a moron instead of just picking one up off the floor. Whoo-hoo!

(HARRY finally grabs a letter and runs from the room. VERNON catches up with him in hallway and attempts to REGISTER THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER on HARRY.)

Vernon: We're leaving!!

A CGI SEA, A CGI ROCK, AND A CGI SHACK

(VERNON and PETUNIA are upstairs. DUDLEY is on the couch. HARRY is on the floor. HARRY is playing PICTIONARY.)

Harry: I am full of prepubescent angst, which I will now slather across the screen. Mud pie? Who needs it when you've got DIRT CAKE!

(HAGRID suddenly knocks the door down.)

Harry: Citizen's arrest!! Oh wait…

(VERNON and PETUNIA rush down the stairs.)

Vernon: I suddenly have a gun! Wait a moment…

Hagrid: Hah! Yeh're a great PRUNE 'nd I am eh massively strong colossus!

(Hagrid BENDS Vernon's gun.)

Hagrid: 'ello, Harry! There's no time fer preamble in THIS movie….yeh're a wizard!

Harry: I'm a WHO? Who are YOU?

Hagrid: Yeh're a wizard! Now off t' Hogwarts!

Petunia: No! First I must deliver my horrible, prudish, snobby speech in which I spit a lot. I hate my sister, and her husband, and I hate Harry too!

Vernon: But we won't allow him to go to a school where he'd be far, far away. You bent my gun. This infuriates me.

Harry: I am so confused.

Hagrid: Yeh're a wizard, that's not confusing! No more time fer talk, must threaten yer relatives an' cast some illegal magic on yeh're cousin. Time t' go!

LONDON- a city stre-

Audience: *interrupting* Ack! How'd that happen?

Chris Columbus: We can't take valuable screen time to show TRAVELING! Pshaw! Let's begin again.

LONDON- a city street

(HAGRID is much larger than everyone else in the scene.)

Hagrid: Now then, let's git yeh're school supplies.

Harry: *reading list* "….one box Buisquick, economy size…one bottle blackstrap molasses…one large wooden mixing bowl"….um, Hagrid?

Hagrid: Whoops! Yeh've got the supply list fer 'Hogwarts School of Cookery and Culinary!" Ah…'ERE's the right one…

(Hagrid pulls out a second, identical piece of parchment and hands it to Harry.)

Harry: You wizards aren't very organized, are you?

THE LEAKY CAULDRON

(Hagrid and Harry enter the LEAKY CAULDRON, a scene which rather disappoints the audience, in lack of Tom's walnut-ness and lack of people to be surprised at Harry.)

Audience: Only TWO people know who he is? Scandalous!

(HAGRID is STILL much larger than everyone else in the scene.)

Professor Quirrell: I speak l-l-like a combination of P-p-porky P-p-pig and C-c-celeborn: slowly and with many stutters!

Harry: Nice to meet you. Take my hand and you'll become evil…wait, that's Malfoy's line, isn't it?

Audience: You're not supposed to know him yet!

Professor Quirrell: Plus, it's too late: I AM already evil. I shouldn't have told you that. And I will very obviously not shake your hand.

Hagrid: 'I shouldn't 'ave told yeh thet' is MY line! Oh well. We'd better be off, Harry.

(Hagrid shows Harry the mystical wonder of self-moving Legos, and they enter WHOVILLE. Er….I mean….)

DIAGON ALLEY

(From now on, we will assume HAGRID is still very, very LARGE.)

Director Chris Columbus: Allow me to display my wonderful foreshadowing skills.

(Broomstick……owl……)

Bookish Audience Members: Ho-hum. We no impressie.

Harry: Hagrid…I'm poor, remember?

Hagrid: No yeh ain't, Harry! Yeh've got oodles of money.

(Hagrid takes Harry to the FLAT IRON BUILDING. But, because it is in CHRIS COLUMBUS'S magical film world of wonder and whimsy, it will hence be known as GRINGOTTS.)

GRINGOTTS- lobby

(Hagrid leads Harry across the lobby, up to the front desk, passing the pickle-y goblins.)

Harry: Hagrid, what are all these wizened, big-eared things?

Hagrid: Lots an' lots of little Ross Perots! Yeh see, with th' whole "Clone Wars' goin' on an' all, we were bound t' end up with a cloned politician or two….

Harry: Riiight….

Hagrid: Time t' be vaguely mysterious about somethin' that is not mysterious at all. High ho vaults…AWAY!!

Griphook the Goblin: A disturbance in the Force, I sense. Hmmm.

GRINGOTTS- THE VAULTS

(HAGRID and HARRY are taken by a pickled MINI-ME to HARRY'S MONEY VAULT. HARRY discovers that he has GOBS OF GILT.)

Harry: Who am I, Bill Gates?

Chris Columbus: Uh….

GRINGOTTS- MORE VAULTS

(Pickled Mini-Me opens the vague and mystery-shrouded VAULT 713.)

Hagrid: I am not bein' completely obvious about this package, nope nope nope. This is NOT eh plot point, it will never show up agin, not with all th' dramtic music an' everything.

DIAGON ALLEY- again

Audience: That traveling thing again, isn't it?

Harry: I still need a wand.

Bookies: WHAT? What about the robes fitting scene? What about Malfoy?

Chris Columbus: Pipe down. You'll get him and his streamlined head, too.

Hagrid: Go t' Ollivander's while I mysteriously go away.

OLLIVANDER'S WANDS

(HARRY enters, and looks around. Mr. Ollivander slids in sneakily from a back corner.)

Half the audience: Bilbo Baggins?

The other audience half: Ben Parker?

Very few audience members: Kane from 'Alien'!!

Ollivander: I am creepy, and that just about sums up my character. Here, try a wand!

Harry: Er…ho-kay.

(Harry takes a wand from Ollivander and waves it around. Things EXPLODE, just like in cartoons!)

Harry: Augh!!! *drops wand quickly*

Ollivander: Well, that isn't the one.

Audience and Harry: No DUH!!!

Ollivander: Here, try another one.

(Harry takes the second wand and waves it about. BOXES of WANDS explode and go FLYING.)

Harry: ACK!

Ollivander: That's all right! At least you're not bursting aliens out of my chest!

Harry: I will not ask.

Ollivander: Here, try more wands and explode more stuff!

(Harry tries more wands and explodes more stuff. Finally….)

Harry: This wand is playing dramatic theme music.

Ollivander: That's the one for you.

Harry: Cool.

Audience: AUGH!

Hagrid: *appearing randomly*I GOT YEH AN OWL!

~~~~~~~~~~~

STILL IN OLLIVANDERS

Ollivander: The counterpart to that wand belongs to the evilest of evils to ever grace our magical world, and it killed your parents and gave you that scar. By the way, you owe me 7 Galleons for it!

Harry: Something is amiss here.

Hagrid: 'Ere's an owl for yeh. We will refrain from ever sayin' her name.

A RANDOM SMOKEY BAR

Audience: Augh! Would you STOP with the instantaneous location changing?

Harry: I'll start asking questions I should have asked a long time ago before I started following large hairy men with transporters.

Hagrid: Well, yeh see, there was this big scary guy a while back, and 'e killed a lot of people.

Harry: What's his name?

Hagrid: *mumbles something*

Harry: Coldie Sport?

Hagrid: *mumbles a little louder*

Harry: Moldy Wart?

Hagrid: *mumbles louder*

Harry: Spooty Quart?

Hagrid: *fed-up* VOLDEMORT!!!

(Everyone in the bar TURNS and STARES at HAGRID.)

Harry: Oooooh.

Hagrid: Now I will tell you a story about Voldemort. Now that I have said Voldemort's name, I can say it over and over! Voooooldemoooooooort!!

(People in the bar STARE more.)

Harry: Hagrid, you're scaring the straights.

Hagrid: Actually, anyone wit' enough character power can say 'is name all they want.

Harry: Convenient.

Hagrid: Cue the flashback!!

FLASHBACK

(In slow-motion Blair Witch-O-Vision, Harry's mom is killed and Harry the Evil Leering Baby is not. Hagrid narrates whilst saying Voldemort's name about six more times.)

END FLASHBACK

Audience: You know, this makes seeing his parents in the Mirror of Erised a LOT less poignant.

Chris Columbus: Stop using big words!

Audience: And why the FRICK isn't Hagrid afraid to say Voldemort's name??

Harry: So, You-Know-Who tried to kill me and failed. I chose to not be affected by this.

Hagrid: I now magically compress time so thet school starts on yer birthday. Or we spent two months in thet creepy-arse wand shop, take yer pick.

KINGS CROSS

(Actually, we ASSUME this is Kings Cross. Hagrid leaves Harry inconveniently while he babbles about his train ticket.)

Audience: Well, that was kind.

(Chris Columbus does a good job of making Harry unsure and lost in the train station.)

Harry: Oh look. Here come convenient wizards to assist me.

(Harry sneaks up behind the WEASLEYS. PERCY, who barely has a part, disappears through the barrier. FRED and GEORGE, who also barely have parts, run through after spouting dialogue straight from the book. Harry decides to ask how to get through as well.)

Harry: Pardon me boy, is that the Chattanooga Choo-Choo?

Ron: What?

Harry: Um…never mind. How do you get in there?

Mrs. Weasley: Just run on through. And that's my only line.

Harry: I have always relied on the kindness of strangers.

(HARRY makes it through the BARRIER. The HOGWARTS EXPRESS generates steam to add to the magic-y feel. Or…we assume.)

Audience: Where's Fred and George? WHERE'S THE HOGWARTS TOILET SEAT???

Chris Columbus: I..um…er….I….WHO'S THE DIRECTOR HERE???

THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS

Harry: Bluuueee moooon…..I'm in the wizard train alllooooonee….

Ron: Hi! I'm shorter and less red-haired than everyone expected, but I can still be your best friend!

Harry: Sure! Sit down and I will show you the scar that has scooted off towards my right ear.

Ron: Wicked!

Audience: *cringes*

SOMETIME LATER….

Harry: Augh, the candy is alive!

Ron: So?

Harry: Well, I guess it's no worse than Jell-O.

SOMETIME LATER…

Harry: Augh, the hologram card is alive!

Ron: So?

Harry: Well, I guess it's no worse than cable TV.

SOMETIME LATER…

(Hermione arrives)

Harry: Augh, she's alive! …sorry, reflex.

Hermione: My hair is just as you imagined it. Seen a toad, by the way?

Ron: No. Bugger off!

Hermione: I WILL be your friend someday, better accept it. The fact that you're Harry Potter doesn't surprise me at all. And you have previously unmentioned dirt on your nose. We're here at Hogwarts!

Bookies: That was a short train ri- heeey, where the hell is DRACO???

THE TRAIN STOP

Prefects: We've choreographed our door-opening abilities.

Hagrid: I'm HUGE!!

Audience: We've noticed.

Hagrid: This way, firs' years! Let me lead yeh t' th' trailer opening!

THE LAKE COMPLETE WITH DRAMATIC THEME MUSIC

(The kids do a good job looking APPREHENSIVE.)

Hagrid: WATER IN TH' HOLD! Gotta bail meself out! We're goin' down, cap'in!

Harry: Hagrid, stop playing Titanic over there.

Hagrid: Eh….sorry 'bout thet. But wit' my bulk an' th' size o' this here boat…the mere physics of eht are mind-bogglin'.

Chris Columbus: I'm going to call these boats the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria!

(The CASTLE appears in CGI GLORY)

Ron: Wicked!

Audience: *winces*

ROOM WITH A MCGONAGALL

(Professor McGonagall 'greets' the students, the number of which seems to be constantly fluctuating.)

McGonagall: Wilkommen, bienvenu, welcome to Hogwarts! There are four houses here, and I appear to dislike Slytherin with extremely extreme prejudice.

(The students look bamboozled.)

McGonagall: Let me explain things whilst Neville establishes himself as a character. Now, we won't take any screen time to show how nervous you all are, but I /will/ go away for a moment in order to let the archenemy extraordinaire make the stage.

(McGonagall goes away for a moment; the archenemy extraordinaire makes the stage in the form of DRACO MALFOY, who has an AERODYNAMIC HEAD.)

Draco Malfoy: I spit a lot when I talk, that must make me evil.

Harry: I'm going to be calm and placid, an emotion you'll see from me many times during the course of this movie.

Draco: Take my hand to be come my evil minion.

Harry: No.

Draco: Huh. This displeases me.

Crabbe and Goyle: Rar.

(Preliminary meeting sequence completed, McGonagall REAPPEARS.)

McGonagall: Is there something wrong? No, of course not. I won't look into it. Come, let us enter ZE GRRREAT HALL!

ZE GRRREAT HALL

(Ze studentz file ento ze hall. Er..*cough*…The students file into the hall.)

Hermione: I'm a precocious little prude. See me show off.

McGonagall: Heeeeere's ALBUS!

(Dumbledore has HAIR. LOTS of it.)

Dumbledore: Let me announce things I should have said during dinner. But no matter, time to sort you!

McGonagall: When I call your name, come up here and put on this manky old hat. At once point it sang, but with budget cuts we couldn't replace its batteries.

(McGonagall calls names in WHATEVER ORDER SHE DAMN PLEASES.)

Bookies: HEY!

Audience: That doesn't seem right…

Columbus: Hey, it was either this or a half an hour sorting scene. And since I couldn't be bothered to put Hermione's potion-solving scene in…

Bookies: WHAT???

Columbus: I've said too much. Back to the movie!!

McGonagall: Hermione Granger!

Bookies: At LEAST give us 'Granger, Hermione'!?

Columbus: Nope.

(McGonagall proceeds to call up ALL MAIN CHARACTERS, like RON. and a few random others, like SUSAN, to generate the illusion that OTHER CHARACTERS EXIST. Sadly, it has no long-term effects.)

McGonagall: Draco Malfoy!

Malfoy: I'm so evil, evil I am.

Hat: Much disturbance in you, I sense. Better put you in the EvilOs house: SLYTHERIN!

(Draco goes flouncing off, much pleased.)

McGonagall: Harry Potter!

(Harry puts on the Sorting Hat. It babbles on and on whilst Harry winces and all watch intently.)

McGonagall: My hat's on fire!

Harry: *whispers* Don't put me in Slytherin…

Hat: *bellows* NOT SLYTHERIN, EH?? DON'T LIKE SLYTHERIN? GOT SOME SORT OF /GRUDGE/ AGAINST SLYTHERIN?

Harry: Uh…thanks, Hat. Now Draco will hate me even more.

Hat: I must put you in the extremely obvious house: GRYFFINDOR!

(The GRYFFINDORS go wild, as does the TASSLE on MADAM HOOCH'S HAT. McGonagall and Dumbledore REANNOUNCE the feast.)

THE GRYFFINDOR TABLE

(Now we meet SEAMUS, who thinks he's NEVILLE; PERCY, who is disappointingly UNPOMPOUS; SNAPE, who is properly GREASY; and the ghost of BASIL FAWLTY, who arrives through the braunschweiger.)

Nearly Headless Nick: As you may have guessed, I'm not from around these parts.

Ron: Riiight.

George/Fred: I wonder if I could get this drumstick through his head….

Hermione: *extremely shrilly* 'Nearly Headless?' How can THAT happen?

Nick: With an extremely dull axe.

Ron: Is that how you died?

Nick: No. I died on screen, like you.

(Gryffindors look confused, rather like the HOBBITS at BILBO'S farewell speech.)

Nick: Well, I'm off to practice my Fish Slapping Dance. Enjoy dinner!

Bloody Baron: Arrr, me buckles. Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart.

OTHER PLACES

(PERCY leads the GRYFFINDORS through the world of M.C. ESHER architecture whilst babbling about THINGS. They arrive at the portrait of the FAT LADY.

Fat Lady: Paaaaaaasswuuuuurd?

Percy: Facit jamdudum.*

(The FAT LADY swings open: the Gryffindors enter the COMMON ROOM.)

Percy: Obviously, first year Gryffindors are the ONLY Gryffindors in the castle at the moment.

THE BOYS' DORMITORIES- night

(Harry sits pensively in the window with his owl.)

Harry: I am calm and placid again. I am happy, everything is all good.

Hedwig: WHAT'S MY BLOODY NAME???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MCGONAGALL'S CLASS

(Ron and Harry run King George style down the hallways to McGonagall's classroom.)

Harry: We're late!

McGonagall: I'm a cat.

Ron: Really? I thought you were a withered stick bug.

McGonagall: DETENTION!

Bookies: Why are the Slytherins in that classroom?

(Blatant foreshadowing to the third book occurs.)

SNAPE'S CLASS

(SNAPE strides into his classroom.)

Snape: I am unnaturally unpleasant and I generate a dreary Shakespearian atmosphere.

Audience: Why was he late to his own class?

Harry: At one point I sassed Snape, which would have made this scene make more sense. But, Chris Columbus and his compulsive footage cutting have struck again.

Snape: Grrr…I hates them Gryffindors. Especially Potter.

Hermione: I must prove that I am indeed a know-it-all.

Snape: Must….concentrate….on….remembering….lines…

Audience: They pull ANOTHER Celeborn switch-a-roo?

Draco: Someday, I'll tell everyone why I'm so smug.

Snape: By Grapthar's Hammer, what bunch of morons.

ZE GRREAT HALL

(SEAMUS again convinces everyone that he might actually be NEVILLE. The mail arrives, and RON receives a convenient DAILY PROPHET, which seems to be a one-time occurrence.)

Harry: Here Ron, give me the newspaper. Now, where is that next plot point….

Neville: Wait a moment, /I/ found the next plot point! See my Remembrall!

Harry: No, /I've/ found the next plot point. Someone broke into Gringotts!

Neville: It's MY plot point, Harry!

Harry: Mine!

Neville: Mine!

Harry: Mine!

Neville: Mine!

Harry: Mine infinity!

Neville: Mi- grrrr.

Hermione: You are SO mature.

A LARGE LAWN-ISH THING

(MADAM HOOCH, the coolest-looking teacher on the grounds, marches out.)

Audience: Her eyes are yellow! Score!

Hooch: Let's get down to business, Gryffindor and Slytherin, the only houses that exist in this school anymore. Now, onto the broom-riding-deal.

(MASS SAYEN DU 'UP')

Harry: Hey- my broom obeys me! Muah, I am MASTER of the broom!

(Ron's broom WHACKS him in the FACE.)

Audience: Hello there, comic relief/sidekick.

Hooch: Now, in a demonstration of how poorly planned my lesson is, I want you all to leap on those brooms and take off at random.

(Predictably, someone begins to float away on an out-of-control broom. Naturally, it is NEVILLE.)

Audience: Wait…is this /actually/ Neville, or is it Seamus?

(CGI invades the film and causes Neville to flop and waggle and generally look very unrealistic.)

Neville: AIEEEEEE! Stop the ride, I'm going to be sick!

(Madam Hooch SPAZES out of the way of a careening Neville. Thanks to a conveniently placed GROUP OF STUDENTS, CGI-Neville becomes real-life-crumpled-heap-Neville.)

Hooch: Oh my. A broken wrist.

Bookies: How the hell can you tell that? You ain't Madam Pomfrey!

Hooch: Now, no one ride those brooms or you'll be out of Hogwarts before you can say the scientific name for gall bladder surgery.

Hermione: Ooh! I know that! It's Hepaticocholangiocholecystentersoto-

[Gryffindors TACKLE Hermione in an effort to make her SHUT UP.]

Draco: I spit AND I swear! God, I'm such a good villain.

(Draco seizes Neville's Remembrall and flies away on his broomstick, MARY POPPINS-STYLE.)

Harry: Oh, I guess /I'm/ supposed to go fetch it. Well then, Draco…have at thee, sir!

THE AIR

(HARRY and DRACO have a Western SHOWDOWN on broomsticks.)

Draco: Rar, I suppose. Catch this, Potter!

(DRACO heaves the Remembrall in a RANDOM DIRECTION. HARRY gives chase on broomstick.)

Audience: Wow, Draco's got quite an arm on him, hasn't he?

(HARRY catches the ball outside an OFFICE McGonagall only frequents when FIRST-YEARS ride broomsticks illegally.)

McGonagall: Time to magically teleport down to that field.

THE LARGE LAWN-ISH THING- again

(Gryffindors go wild! HARRY has saved the day! ……yeah. McGonagall appears at random.)

McGonagall: Come with me! I don't appear to be mad, but act nervous anyway.

Harry: Oakily dokily.

QUIRREL'S CLASSROOM

(The classroom door WHIRS whenever people walk through it.)

McGonagall: Can I borrow Wood, Professor Quirrel?

Female Audience Members: *hopefully* Elijah?

(A boy gets up and comes out into the hallway.)

McGonagall: Potter, this is Oliver Wood.

F.A.M: Hot DAMN!!

A RANDOM HALLWAY

(Nearly Headless Nick and an unnamed ghost float around.)

N.H.N: Did you know that Harry Potter is the new Gryffindor Seeker?

Random ghost: Wait…I know the answer to this. Blue- no, yelloAAAAAH!!!

(The random ghost is propelled into obscurity. RON and HARRY enter to pick up the STORYLINE again.)

Harry: I'm the youngest seeker for a long time.

Ron: Wicked.

Audience: *flinches*

(FRED and GEORGE get approximately 3.60482 SECONDS of screen-time.)

Bookies: Okay, it's not fair when Neville's slapstick gets more screen-time than the coolest guys in the whole book.

Harry: I have doubts about Quidditch.

Ron: Aw, come on.

Hermione: Come, let me show you something about your dead dad!

OBSCURE PLACE

Bookies: Columbus MADE UP a WHOLE SCENE, and couldn't put in Fred and George? Blashphemy!

Hermione: Your dad was a Seeker. Therefore, according to the laws of the fantasy/fiction genre of stories, you will be a brilliant Seeker.

Harry: Calmed and reassured, I am. Time to return to the plot.

Audience: Is Hermione their FRIEND now?

THE SECRETLY MOTORIZED STAIRCASE

Ron and Harry: *babble chatter banter etc.*

(The STAIRCASE starts to MOVE. NO ONE NOTICES.)

Hermione: Uh, the staircase is moving. Guys? Hey, guys!!

Ron: Don't worry Hermione, it's only taking us a few months ahead in the story.

Hermione: Oh. All's well then, let's press on!

THE CONVENIENTLY AND STRATEGICALLY PLACED THIRD FLOOR

Ron: Maybe we shouldn't be here.

Harry: We're main characters; we're SUPPOSED to go forbidden places. That's the only way the plot can continue!

Audience: Is it us, or is this just extremely contrived?

Mrs. Norris: Mrow!!

All: AUGH!!! Run awaaaaaay!!!

(The fabulous…uh, three…RUN pell-mell from MRS. NORRIS, and find themselves at a DOOR.)

Harry: It won't open!

Hermione: Move over, moron!

(HERMIONE pushes HARRY away from the door, then moves back to the EXACT SAME PLACE SHE HAD BEEN BEFORE.)

Harry: Thanks for pushing me needlessly, Hermione. You know, I've trapped people in zoo exhibits for that.

Hermione: Open, Sesame! *waves wand*

(The door OPENS and they all run inside.)

Filch: I'm the bloody best character actor in this movie- oh, am I on?

Columbus: Eesh.

THE ROOM THAT SHOULD BE A CORRIDOR

(HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE enter)

Ron: *skeptically* Open, Sesame?

Hermione: "Ali-Baba and The Forty Thieves", chapter seven!

(Suddenly, find that they're sharing the room with MARMADUKE, POST-NUCLEAR EXPOSURE. The dog WAKES UP.)

All: AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

(They FLEE, barely managing to avoid becoming CEBERUS-CHOW.)

GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM

Hermione: The dog's guarding something, I have no respect for your intelligence levels, and if you don't start acting smarter I won't be your friend anymore!

Bookies: YOU'RE NOT THEIR FRIEND YET!!!

Ron: Allow me to throw out some comic relief.

OUTSIDE HOGWARTS

Sexy Scottish Voice (O.S.): Quidditch is easy enough to understand…

Female Audience Members: SQUEEEE!!! *bounce madly and giggle*

Male Audience Members: Oy…

(HARRY and OLIVER WOOD come out of the DRAWBRIDGE-TYPE-THING, lugging A BIG BOX.)

Wood: Allow me to proceed with the preliminary explaining of the things.

(WOOD does just that and then displays marvelous GROUND-FLOPPING SKILLS.)

Harry: Imagine playing a game with balls called Waffle, Blunders and Itch.

Wood: Now see here; it's the QUaffle, BluDGers, and SNitch. See the Snitch.

(We see the Snitch.)

Wood: You catch this, Potter, and we win.

Bookies: Not necessarily. It just means the game ends. The other team could still win, like in the Quidditch World Cup!

F.A.M: Who cares if he's wrong? Just let him stay on the SCREEN!!

(The SNITCH grows little WINGS and suddenly shoots out of HARRY'S HAND and hovers around. HARRY watches it.)

Wood: Where the hell did it go?

PROFESSOR FLITWICK'S CLASSROOM

Flitwick: Use the Force, my young Padawans! Oops, that's another movie…

(The presence of FEATHERS in the room causes the audience to wonder whether TOM HANKS will be making an APPEARANCE.)

Bookies: Why do the Gryffindors have EVERY CLASS with the SLYTHERINS!???

Flitwick: Time to make things fly! Do I remind anyone of the bank teller from Gringotts? All right, time to practice the nice movement we learned this week; the Bend and Snap!

Students: ……..

Flitwick: Er, I mean of course the Swish and Flick!

(HERMIONE shows off. RON proves himself HOPELESS.)

Seamus: I will persist in my unremitting endeavor to verify that I am actually NEVILLE!

(SEAMUS makes something EXPLODE.)

A RANDOM ATRIUM

Ron: Grrr…Hermione irks me.

(HERMIONE HEARS this.)

Harry: She heard you.

Audience: Ya THINK?

ZE GRREAT HALL

(It is HALLOWEEN, and the SAME DAY as the CHARMS LESSON. This too, is vague.)

Harry: Where's Hermione got to?

Neville: Seamus can't have MY part; I still exist! Hermione's in the bathroom.

(QUIRRELL BURSTS IN.)

Quirrel: A troll I definitely did not let in, GOT IN! Observe me swoon!

(QUIRREL FAINTS. We see some lovely shots of NEVILLE, RON, and yes, even DRACO, screaming like GIRLS.)

Dumbledore: RAR! I'm not as papery as you all thought I was! There, I have restored order, you all may go do the things I told you to do.

(STUDENTS begin to LEAVE. Both MCGONAGALL *and* SNAPE look extremely SUSPICIOUS. SNAPE exeunt.)

A STROBE-FESTOONED CORRIDOR

Harry: Gasp! We must tell Hermione about the troll.

Ron: Bugger.

MORE CORRIDORS

Audience: Can we get a sense of layout to this place, or what?

Ron: Troll!

Harry: Thanks, Boromir! Let's hide.

(They HIDE. The TROLL goes into a ROOM.)

Ron: It's going into the girls' bathroom!

Audience: And you would know that this is a girls' bathroom,…how?

Percy in a brief cameo: I always KNEW Ron had a girls' toilet obsession!

Ron et al.: ……………..

THE GIRLS' BATHROOM

(HERMIONE comes out of a stall, looking MISERABLE. She will be even MORE SO in a few moments when she discovers what BAD TIMING she has.)

Hermione: Sniffle…sniff- huh?

(HERMIONE sees the TROLL.)

Hermione: It's Lord of the Rings Similarity Complex! NOO!!

(HERMIONE dives BACK into the TOILET STALL. The TROLL SMASHES the ROW OF STALLS. HARRY and RON show up.)

Harry: Hermione, move!

Hermione: Brilliant strategy. Thanks, Napoleon!

(The TROLL smashes the VERY SAME ROW OF TOILET STALLS.)

Ron: Is this a cheap budget I see before me?

(RON and HARRY have a MERRY and PIPPIN stone-throwing moment. There is much DUCKING and CRAWLING and SHOUTING and DRAMTIC MUSIC and 'ALL THAT'-TYPE SINK-SMASHING. )

Harry: Uh, have at thee! I suppose…

(HARRY runs forward and winds up on the TROLL'S HEAD like a very UNGAINLY LEGOLAS.)

Audience: All right, who's stealing shots from whose movie, here?

(Some more SLAPSTICK occurs and RON uses the spell he was HOPELESS at before to KNOCK the TROLL UNCONSIOUS. RIGHT ON CUE, MCGONAGALL, SNAPE, and QUIRREL show up.)

McGonagall: Flustered, I am.

Snape: Unpleasant, I am.

Quirrell: Not the villain, I am.

(MCGONAGALL gives HARRY and RON a PATHETIC amount of points after HERMIONE breaks RULES.)

Audience: Oh! So they're….friends….now…? …uuuh...what the bloody hell is up with them???

THE GRYFFINDOR BREAKFAST TABLE

(HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE are now FRIENDS. This changes NOTHING.)

Ron: C'mon Harry, eat something.

Harry: Well, eh…what's that you've got there?

Ron: Well, there's egg and bacon, egg sausage and bacon, egg and spam, egg bacon and spam, egg bacon sausage and spam, spam bacon sausage and spam, spam egg spam spam bacon and spam, spam sausage spam spam spam bacon spam, tomato and spam, spam spam spam egg and spam, spam spam spam spam spam-

Harry: All right! I get the picture! I don't like spam anyway.

Hermione: That's all right, I'll have your spam. I love it!

Harry: I'll…uh….I think I'll stick to the not-eating bit, thanks.

(SNAPE wanders by, bringing with him the DREARY SHAKESPEARIAN ATMOSPHERE.)

Snape: Must….concentrate….on….talking…..

(SNAPE wishes HARRY good luck for NO REASON AT ALL.)

Non-bookies: Well, that was nice of him.

Bookies: Uhhh……

Harry: Let's put some random disconnected clues together and come up with: SNAPE IS EVIL!

Audience: Well, we knew that.

Harry: Yep, he's the evil one. He's after the Sorcerer's Stone, which is what we suddenly assume the dog is guarding. Snape's the bad guy.

(Suddenly, QUIRREL glides creepily past behind them, HISSING.)

Quirrel: Hisss…..kill Potter…..dieee…..death to Potter….

(QUIRREL exeunt.)

Hermione: Right, totally Snape. Evil, he is.

Ron: All right, plot advanced, Snape pale and effeminate, time for the next plot point to drop in!

(An OWL suddenly appears with a large, BROOMSTICK SHAPED package, and DROPS it in front of HARRY.)

Harry: I never get mail….

Ron: I wonder what it could be?

Audience: Oh dear God.

(It is a BROOMSTICK.)

Ron: Well shove a crowbar up my nose.

Harry: I wonder if this ever belonged to Kakarott?

Hermione: So. You've ridden a broomstick /once/, seen the actual balls /once/, /never/ been on the playing field, and you are getting your broom /two minutes/ before the match. Golly, no wonder you're nervous!

DILAPIDATED QUIDDITCH SHED

(It becomes SLIGHTLY apparent that there are OTHER MEMBERS of the Gryffindor team.)

Wood: Never ask me for reassurance, Harry. Remember that.

Harry: I feel ill.

THE QUIDDITCH STADIUM- home of the CGI EVERYTHING

(The PLAYERS soar around a bit.)

Lee Jordan: Welcome to the first Quidditch game of the season! What gender am I, you ask? Well, we'll be taking bets on that during half-time!

(MAIN CHARACTERS from opposing houses cheer.)

Lee Jordan: Today's game will take place between Gryffindor and Slytherin! As will the next game, and the next, and all of the ones after that!

(The SLYTHERIN team comes out along with slightly more EVIL- er, *cough*- DRAMATIC music. All PLAYERS form a nice little circle.)

Madam Hooch: I want a clean game! But don't ask me to call fouls!

(MADAM HOOCH releases some of the balls. LEE JORDAN does some more unnecessary exposition. The camera shows us more of the SLYTHERIN team, among them captain MARCUS FLINT, who uses tips from the AUSTIN POWERS' GUIDE TO DENTAL HYGIENE.)

Flint: Rar.

Wood: Grr.

(MADAM HOOCH tosses the Quaffle. The game starts. SOUND FX conquer the world!)

Players: Whoosh!

Bludgers: Afflack!

Soundtrack: Dramatic!

(BOOKIES try to figure out which one is ANGELINA. It seems that only a PSUEDO-ANGELINA exists, however. GRYFFINDORS score lots, the PIXAR SLYTHERIN GOAL KEEPER fails.)

Flint: Ooga. Feel my wrath, Wood!

(FLINT beans WOOD with a BLUDGER. He falls through the goal ring and floats down to collapse on the CONVIENIENT SAND at the bottom of the goal post, probably UNCONSIOUS.)

Female Audience Members: Nooo!!

Hooch: Never will I call a foul. /That/ certainly isn't a foul.

(SLYTHERINS watching guffaw. MCGONAGALL appears worried but does NOTHING. GEORGE AND/OR FRED gets1.4829347 seconds of screen time. FLINT and a RANDOM PLAYER flank PSUEDO-ANGELINA and knock her into the BLEACHERS. PSUEDO-ANGELINA falls out of the bottom, probably UNCONSIOUS.)

Hooch: That's only two players brutally struck down; that's an acceptable loss! I will not call a foul!

(FINALLY, HARRY'S broom begins to spaz. HERMIONE instantly figures out that it is SNAPE'S DOING.)

Hermione: I'll save him!

(HARRY hangs precariously from the BROOM while SNAPE murmurs intently at him. HERMIONE appears behind SNAPE.)

Audience: Wow, she got over there quickly.

(HERMIONE sets SNAPE on fire.)

Hermione: That should do it. Toodles!

(HERMIONE exeunt. HARRY can now climb back onto his BROOM. Hooray! And the RACE for the SNITCH begins with the unnamed SLYTHERIN Seeker. HARRY wins because of his MAD SURFING SKILLZ.)

Everyone: Yay!

Harry: I am filled with joy.

Audience: Wood? Angelina?

THE FRONT LAWN-ISH THING OF THE CASTLE

Harry: Snape is evil.

Hermione: Snape is bad.

Ron: Snape tried to kill Harry.

Hagrid: Nuh uh, Snape is happy 'n joyful!

All: Riiiiight.

Hagrid: Anyway, Snape is helpin' t' GUARD th' …thing. Can't tell yeh about it. Thet big-ass dog is mine, though. His name is Fluffy! And, er, Nicholas Flammel is 'in there somewheres. Wait….I shouldn't have said any of thet.

Harry, Ron, Hermione: Bwhahaha! Thanks, Hagrid.

A VERY MERRY HOGWARTS- Ze grreat hall

(HERMIONE wanders into the Great Hall with her flight attendants bag. RON and HARRY are sitting at a table playing….chess.)

Ron: E5.

Harry: Damn! You sunk my battleship!

Ron: Woo! Now I only have to get your carrier and you're going DOWN.

Hermione: Uh, guys…?

Ron: I'm staying for Christmas.

Hermione: I'm not. But Harry is going to do more RESEARCH. On NICHOLAS FLAMMEL. Make sure you help him.

THE HEART-WARMING CHRISTMAS MORNING

(HARRY wakes up and runs to the common room.)

Ron: Happy Christmas!

Harry: Happy Christmas!

Americans: Huh???

(HARRY gets a BLUESCREEN CLOAK.)

Harry: What's this?

Ron: Put it on! When you wear it, later the special effects team can erase your body!

Harry: Cool. Look, it's from nobody. But it says 'use it well.' I will take that to mean sneaking about school late at night.

THE SCHOOL- late at night

(HARRY's hand wanders in the RESTRICTED SECTION of the library.)

Harry: I can see THIS is going to be totally helpful.

(HARRY opens a random book, which does a MCCAULY CULKIN impression.)

Harry: Augh! Arnold Vosloo is in this book! Get it away!

(FILTCH appears, which causes HARRY to drop the LAMP.)

Harry: Time to am-scray!

Filtch: I am STILL the best character actor around.

ONE OF THE MANY CLONED CORRIDORS OF HOGWARTS

Harry: ACK! Mrs. Norris! ACK! Quirrel! ACK! SNAPE!

Snape: Grr. I will now appear to be the villain again.

Quirrel: *whimpers* Mummy.

(SNAPE uses his SPIDEY-SENSE. He bats around in the air for HARRY.)

Quirrel: I will not comment on this.

Flitch: STUDENT OUT OF BED! That's much more important that who's joined the Dark Side!

(FILTCH, SNAPE, and QUIRREL run off. HARRY escapes through a door.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MOOR RORRIM EHT

(HARRY comes in and instantly GRAVITATES towards the LARGE and OBVIOUS mirror.)

Bookies: At least they put the right carvings on it.

Harry: Hmm…well, I see me and- holy crap, there are OTHER people in here too!

(COLUMBUS then FIRMLY ESTABLISHES the other people are NOT in the room. They are in fact, HARRY'S HIGHLY CREEPY PARENTS.)

Harry: Mom?

Audience: Lady Stockbridge?

(HARRY'S MOM nods.)

Harry: Dad?

Audience: Kevin Spacey?

(HARRY'S DAD nods.)

Audience: They look amazingly demonic.

Harry: Time to go tell Ron!

SEIROTIMORD 'SYOB EHT- er….THE BOY'S DORMITORIES

Harry: Wake up, Ron!

Ron: I'm awake.

Bookies: Too bad he doesn't wake up that fast when Harry wants him to see the Grim in two years.

Rest of Audience: Huh??

MOOR RORRIM EHT

(HARRY and RON enter.)

Harry: Go on, look in the mirror. You can see my unbelievably evil-looking parents!

Ron: Mirror, mirror, in the uh…room, who's the handsomest stud-

Harry: Quit playing around!

Ron: Lookit me! I'm all head boy and stuff. Wicked!

Audience: *twitches*

Harry: My parents are dead.

Ron: Would you get OVER it??

MOOR RORRIM EHT-sometime later

Harry: I am not obsessing over this mirror.

Dumbledore: I don't believe you.

Harry: Ack!

Dumbledore: The fact that I don't want you to find this mirror again establishes it as an important plot element.

Harry: Uh, roger that, Dumbledore sir.

THE LIBRARY

(HERMIONE stalks up to RON and HARRY with a large book.)

Hermione: I was being a moron! The information we need was in this book all along!

Harry and Ron: Say what?

(HERMIONE suddenly knows EXACTLY where ALL THE INFORMATION on NICHOLAS FLAMMEL is.)

Audience: That could have been handy much earlier.

Hermione: I knew it! Nicholas Flammel is the only known maker of the Philosopher's Stone!

Harry and Ron: What?

Hermione: I mean, the Sorcerer's Stone.

Ron: What's it do?

Hermione: Well, the Philosopher's Stone-

Harry and Ron: The what?

Hermione: Er…the /Sorcerer's/ Stone can turn any metal into pure gold, and can create the elixir of life.

Harry: Which one can do that?

Hermione: Which what?

Harry: Which stone?

Ron: Whose stone?

Hermione: The Philosopher's Stone!

Harry: The what?

Hermione: THE SORCERER'S STONE!

Ron: Well, which one is it?

Harry: African or European?

Hermione: PHILOSOPHER'S!

Ron: The who?

Hermione: THE. STONE. MAKES. POTION. OF. LIFE.

Harry: This would be the Philosopher's Stone?

Hermione: Yes the….the whatever! They both do it!

Ron: There are two stones?

Hermione: Sure….but not in the same place.

Harry: Are you suggesting philosopher's stones migrate?

Hermione: Not at all! They could replicate!

Harry: What, two stones reproducing? It can't be done!

Ron: What are we talking about, again?

Audience: WHY, American Publishing Companies? WHYYY???????

HAGRID'S HUT

(HARRY ET AL. run to Hagrid's to prove what a HUGE PUSHOVER he is several times over.)

Hagrid: Cain't come in.

Harry et al: Yes we can.

Hagrid: All right.

Audience: Wow....

Harry: The evil and greasy Snape is trying to steal the stone.

Hagrid: Nuh uh. I still doggedly persist 'n thet Snape is eh good guy.

Harry: What's in the fire?

Hagrid: Cain't say.

Hermione: Tell us!

Hagrid: All right.

Audience: *stares* Holy crap on a cracker.

Hagrid: Et's a dragon egg! Won it 'n a pub.

(THE EGG begins to hatch right on the table.)

Hagrid: I feel like Richard Attenborough.

Hermione: Well, /that/ CAN'T be good.

(The DRAGON flops out of its egg and instantly tries to causes bodily harm to HAGRID.)

Hagrid: Awww….

Ron: Yes, how deplorable- I, erm, mean...adorable.

(The DRAGON screams like a WOMAN who has just had her PURSE STOLEN.)

Draco from the window: SCORE! Dirt on Harry and his posse!

Ron: Okay, going from bad to worse….

A CASTLE CORRIDOR

Harry: Hagrid's always wanted a dragon; he told me so the first time I met him.

Audience: NO HE DIDN'T!

Ron: And now MALFOY's seen it...

Hermione: Is that bad?

Harry: I though you were supposed to be smart.

(MCGONA-ELMER FUDD appears in all of her WITHERED STICK BUG glory.)

Harry et al: Er…..

(DRACO appears behind MCGONAGALL.)

Draco: I'm the /real/ Snitch in this movie.

McGonagall: Be vewwy vewwy qwuiet. I'm huntin' firwst years!

THE SITE OF FURTHER PROOF THAT MCGONAGALL NEVER USES HER OFFICE

McGonagall: Naughty, you are. Punished, you will be. Yes. Hmmm. ALL of you.

Draco: Even me and my peroxide head?

McGongall: Yes.

Draco: Coises, foiled again.

Harry: HAH, Malfoy. And again, HAH.

FRONT LAWN-ISH THING OF THE CASTLE

(FLITCH, HARRY, HERMIONE, RON and DRACO head down to EL HUT de HAGRID.)

Filtch: Just in case I haven't made it perfectly clear…

All: ….you're the best bloody character actor in this movie.

Flitch: Damn straight.

(It is made clear that this is DETENTION.)

Hagrid: Well, they sure made short work of meh dragon. Th' pointless plot cul-de-sac is over!

Draco: Despite my boastful façade, I am truly a wimp.

Harry: Couldn't they have fixed the lighting so we aren't just bobbing heads?

Hagrid: Thet's enough banter! Into th' forest with us!

THE 'WHY COULDN'T THEY HAVE KEPT IT THE /FORBIDDEN/ FOREST?'…FOREST

Hagrid: We're here looking for an injured unicorn, by the way.

(HAGRID leads the four students to a tree one might expect to find HEXUS residing in. They finds a large pool of the SILVERY GUNK from the MATRIX.)

Hagrid: D'yeh know what this means?

Ron: Someone's been filming a Capri Sun commercial?

Hagrid: No! It's unicorn blood. Th' injured unicorn must be 'round 'ere somewheres.

All: NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!

(The five of them depart, leaving the puddle of LARISA OLEYNIK behind.)

DEEPER INTO THE FOREST FORMERLY KNOWN AS FORBIDDEN

Hagrid: Let's split up.

Audience: Hoo boy.

Hagrid: Draco 'nd Harry, since yeh hate each other, go off by yehrselves. Ron and Hermione will come wit' me 'nd be safe. Off yeh go, shoo, scat!

(DRACO and HARRY traverse through the forest which is UNNATUALLY DEVOID OF UNDERBRUSH, with FANG.)

Draco: I will now demonstrate my hate for you by pronouncing your name with extra tension. POTter!

Harry: Yeah? Well, you and your James Marsters hair can BITE me!

(HARRY and DRACO insult their way into a clearing, where they spy the ELUSIVE DEAD UNICORN.)

Audience: Well now we KNOW this isn't Lord of the Rings.

(A CGI CLOAK is sucking more MATRIX GUNK out of the UNICORN. The CLOAK snarls at DRACO and HARRY, who begin to act all over the place.)

Draco: AAH! Senator Palpatine! Run awaaaaay!!!!

(DRACO runs wailing into the forest, followed by FANG. The CGI CLOAK begins to menace HARRY.)

Harry: AAH! Hugh Kraine! Run awaaaaaay!!!!

(Unfortunately, HARRY has a FRODO MOMENT and falls right on his arse. He wedges himself in a tree root. A LUMP OF HORRID CGI magically appears and scares the CGI CLOAK away.)

Harry: AAH! 'Fantasia' rejects! Run awaaaaaay!!!

Firenze: I'm big and hulking and I will now proceed to hint at vague admonitions while looking totally unrealistic.

Harry: I have mastered the art of talking to golf balls glued to sticks.

(HAGRID suddenly appears.)

Hagrid: Worf, what t' hell are yeh doin' here? Git back to yeh're own science fiction story!

Firenze: This is where I leave you, Harry.

Harry: Uh, you never took me anywhere to begin with.

Firenze: Hah, you're all fools! I hate you forever! Goodbye!

(FIRENZE ferrets away.)

Bookies: Would it have really been that hard to make Firenze BLOND, like he's SUPPOSED to be? And not all KLINGON looking?

Unicorn: Hey, I'm still kind of dead, remember?

Hagrid: Clam up, or I'll sic th' Red Bull on yeh.

THE GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM

Hermione: Okay, Voldemort's in the forest.

Harry: Snape wants the stone for Voldemort, not himself!

Ron: Voldemort is a creepy, creepy dude.

Audience: WHY do you all say the NAME??

Hermione: We can find solace in Dumbledore! VOLDEMORT can't kill Harry while he's around.

Ron and Harry: Vooooooldeeemooooort!

Audience: *fumes*

RANDOM CASTLE ATRIUMS

(RON, HARRY, and HERMIONE pass DRACO, CRABBE and GOYLE. DRACO is looked perturbed and irritated as GOYLE and CRABBE flank him, caroling a loud song.)

Crabbe and Goyle: *singing* When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled!
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Draco!

Draco: Get stuffed, myrmidons.

Hermione: Er…um….yeah! Anyway, I found the exams very easy.

Audience: Whoa….HOW much time just passed?

Harry: My frightfully off-center scar is hurting. A new plot contrivance must be near.

(They see HAGRID playing a flute in front of his HUT.)

Harry: And there it is.

Ron and Hermione: Eh?

Harry: Again we will employ the use of random logic to formulate the idea that Hagrid getting the dragon egg was no sheer coincidence! The egg was in fact the diabolical scheme ingeniously planned out by the evil servants of the DARK SIDE!

Hermione: Do you know how stupid you just sounded?

Ron: Well, off to Hagrid's anyway! Hey, Harry, isn't he playing YOUR flute?

HAGRID'S HUT

Harry: Hagrid, who gave you the dragon's egg?

Hagrid: Dunno…he kept his /hood/ up.

Audience: Red alert! Red alert! Danger, Harry Robinson! Danger!

(HAGRID blatantly tells them EVERYTHING.)

Hermione: Jeez, Hagrid, you great oaf. You told a complete stranger how to get by Fluffy, and you've just told us as well. GREAT job.

Hagrid: And yeh're point is…?

Ron: You're inept, and now we can run merrily off to break school rules and cut Hermione's moment of glory out of the movie.

MCGONAGALL, WHY DON'T YOU USE YOUR OFFICE?

(HARRY ET AL. run in and SWARM MCGONAGALL'S desk.)

Harry: Dumbledore. Now.

McGonagall: He's not here. Now, get thee gone, small pestilence children.

Harry: But we're main characters and we know stuff we shouldn't! Like about the Philosopher's Stone!

McGonagall: The what?

Audience: Oh dear Lord.

Hermione: The /Sorcerer's/ Stone he means, professor.

McGonagall: Highly suspicious, I am. What do you know about that?

Ron: We know that someone who will not be named-

Ron et al.: PROFESSOR!!!!! SNAPE!!!!!!!

Ron: -is going to try to steal it.

McGonagall: I am completely convinced of my own superiority and therefore will not listen to the pathetic theories of the people around who the plot revolves. After all, how could we have a dramatic ending if I listened to you? Now scat. Go back to your dormitories and go to sleep!

Harry: Erm, but, professor…it's only noon.

McGonagall: Don't care! Dormitories, now!

A SUBTLY SNAPE HALLWAY

Harry: Is Snape creeping up behind us? Good. SNAPE WANTS TO STEAL THE STONE!!

(SNAPE creeps up behind them.)

Snape: Bwahaha.

Harry et al.: Erk….

Snape: What are you doing inside?

Ron: Well, McGonagall just told us to go to our dormitories and to bed….

Snape: Well, I say go outside. Outside!

(SNAPE glares at HARRY in the most OBVIOUSLY MALICIOUS way imaginable.)

Snape: I think I left the oven on!

(SNAPE marches away.)

GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM

(HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE come down the stairs.)

Hermione: Of course, wizards prefer to dress like Muggles when going to pursue an evil servant of a dark lord though magical obstacles underneath a school.

Neville: I'M NOT SEAMUS, DAMMIT! I still have a part! Allow me to hurl it at you.

Harry: Oh, come on Neville. Let us through.

Neville: No way, Jose.

Hermione: *waves her wand* Rigor mortis!

(NEVILLE falls flat on his back, completely paralyzed.)

Ron: Wasn't that a little over the top?

Hermione: What? It was Latin.

UNDER THE AMAZING TECHICOLOR INVISICOAT

Hermione: Let me inform the audience of things you are doing to my foot.

Harry and Ron: Er…kay…

(They reach the DUN DUN DUN…FORBIDDEN DOOR.)

Hermione: Open sesame!

THE ROOM WHICH, AGAIN, SHOULD BE A CORRIDOR

(A HARP is playing as the dynamic trio enters.)

Ron: Ah, damn…we're in the Matrix!

Harry: Oh good, the devil dog is asleep.

Hermione: Even better, since we didn't bring an instrument.

(HERMIONE, RON, and HARRY take an UNNESSECARY LENGTH OF TIME trying to move CEBERUS'S paw and get into the trap door. Predictably, THE BEAST wakes up.)

Fluffy: Arf.

All: AAAAGGGRRHHH!!!!

Fluffly: Do you mean the Camaaaaaargue, or the Saint Aaaaurves in Co-

(Not listening to FLUFFY the TALKING DOBERMAN, HARRY AND CO. jump down into the trap door.)

Fluffy: *calling after them* And close the door, it's bloody chilly in here!!

CAMERA OBSCURA

(HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE land on the so aptly titled 'plant-thing')

Ron: This was lucky…

Devil's Snare: Like hell it was.

(The PLANT begins to COIL AROUND them.)

Harry: Man, where's Robin Williams when you need him?

Devil's Snare: Feeeed me, Seymour!

Columbus: I feel like having them beat the Devil's Snare in a completely innovative way.

Hermione: Just relax, and the Devil's Snape, I mean SNARE, will let you go.

(HERMIONE is sucked through to the level below the plant.)

Audience: is it us, or does that look really wrong?

(HARRY is sucked down as well.)

Hermione: NOW I can do this the proper way.

(HERMIONE uses SOLAR POWER to injure the plant. RON comes crashing down.)

Harry: Well, done and done, I suppose.

Ron: Off to the next deadly peril!

THE KEY LIME PIE ROOM

(HARRY, HERMIONE, and RON enter. THINGS are flying around above them.)

Harry: They're keys and one fits that door.

Bookies: AUGH! You weren't supposed to figure it out THAT quickly!!

Ron: Well, catch the key then. Use that extremely convenient broomstick.

(HARRY does so. The moment he touches the BROOM, the keys turn KAMIKAZE on him.)

Harry: Oh no, not another 'The Birds' moment.

(HARRY goes flying around, the KEY OF DOOM following him and apparently trying to skewer him. He catches the CORRECT KEY and /somehow/ tosses it down to HERMIONE, who opens the door. HARRY flies through the door, which the KEYS get stuck on in classic CARTOON fashion.)

MIDNIGHT ON THE CHESSBOARD OF GOOD AND EVIL

Harry: Where'd the broom go?

Hermione: Where are we, anyway?

Ron: I need to take ten dramatic steps and talk through the fourth wall to announce that this is a chessboard.

(The LIGHTS come up as RON says this.)

Random Voice: You are correct, Ron! Tina, show him what he's WON!

Chris Columbus: Who're you? Go away; get out of my movie!

Random Voice: Very well. As you were.

Harry: Well, let's just try and walk through, seeing as THAT'S worked every time so far.

(The CHESS-PIECES come to life and block their way.)

Harry: Or….not.

Hermione: NOW what do we do?

Ron: That's obvious, isn't it? We try and construct a crude sword from your hair, and then battle our way through!

Hermione: EXCUSE me?

Ron: I mean of course that we should take three chess positions, and play our way across.

Hermione: Much better.

(They take their places and begin to play. With all of the CHESS-PIECE smashing, one wonders how 'SNAPE' was able to play through before and leave enough pieces intact for this round.)

Ron: I must sacrifice myself to win.

Hermione and Harry: NO!

Ron: Yes.

Hermione and Harry: Okay.

(RON moves his piece. The QUEEN approacheth.)

Audience: Jump off the horse.

(The QUEEN approacheth some more.)

Audience: JUMP off the HORSE!

(The QUEEN arriveth.)

Audience: Stupid git.

(The QUEEN attacks RON….'S HORSE. RON falls off and is automatically unconscious. HARRY moves.)

Harry: Checkmate!

White Queen: Wait a minute, wait a minute…this is not checkmate! /This/ is not checkmate! …..arg, is it checkmate.

(HARRY and HERMIONE run over to RON.)

Harry: Well, we won, so Bengt Ekerot isn't going to kill me now! Yay!

Hermione: What?

Harry: Um…never mind. Take Ron back, then go send a message to Dumbledore. I'm going on to face more peril.

Hermione: Better you than me- er, I mean…good luck.

Harry: Toodles!

THE SHOWDOWN ROOM

(HARRY comes down the stairs to find…….QUIRREL!!!)

Non-bookies: What? WHAT?

Bookies: Har har, had you fooled, didn't they?

Harry: I am not surprised at all to find that it was Quirrell, and not Snape, the entire time.

Quirrell: Hah hah. My stutter is gone, and now I will prove HOW it was not Snape the entire time! Bask in the aura of my evil genius.

(HARRY and QUIRRELL talk a LOT about SNAPE.)

Audience: Enough!

Quirrell: All right, mirror pondering time. How do I get this stone?

Creepy Anomalous Voice: Use the booooyyy….

Quirrell: Come here POTter!

Harry: Why must people say my name like that constantly?

Quirrell: What do you see in the mirror?

(HARRY gets the stone from his MIRROR-SELF.)

Harry: Wow. Okay, quick-thinking time…..I don't see anything.

Quirrell: Blast!

Creepy Anomalous Voice: He's LYING, you incompetent fool! Let ME talk with him.

(QUIRRELL begins to take off his turban. On the back of his head is…VOLDEMORT!!)

Harry: Dear God that's disturbing.

Voldemort: Bwahaha!! Wait, Quirrell….would you mind turning around so I could actually SEE Harry?

Quirrell: No way.

Voldemort: Well…anyway….I know you have stone! GIMME!

(HARRY runs for it. QUIRRELL channels SISSY SPACEK and lights the perimeter of the room on fire.)

Voldemort: Don't be a fool. Come to the Dark Side, Harry!

Harry: Arg, you villains are so PREDICATBLE. And wait, let me guess….you're also my father.

Voldemort: No, actually, I /killed/ your father.

Harry: Oh. All right then. Um…NO! I won't join you! NEVER!

Voldemort: Ahh…but give me the stone and you can have your blatantly evil-looking parents.

Harry: Don't think so.

Voldemort: All right then. KILL HIM!

(QUIRREL flies on his handy-dandy wires across the room and starts to choke HARRY.)

Audience: Hardly efficient, wouldn't you say?

(YUP, because HARRY has the amazing power to turn QUIRREL into CAKE-MIX.)

Voldemort: Get the stone!

Harry: I don't think so. SMELL MY HANDS, QUIRRELL!!

(QUIRRELL disintegrates.)

Harry: Whoo! Everything is all happy again!

Voldemort: Like hell it is.

(VOLDEMORT turns into a flying DUST BALL and flies through HARRY, causing him to PASS OUT. He then flees from the room, leaving HARRY unconscious on the floor, clutching a hunk of RED JELL-O. Er….the PHILOSOPHER'S STONE. Er…dammit, the SORCERER'S STONE.)

THE HOSPITAL WING

(HARRY awakens.)

Harry: *snerk* Nimbus 2000! Erg…

(He finds the ENTIRE STUDENT BODY has built a shrine to him at the foot of his bed. DUMBLEDORE comes in.)

Dumbledore: I'm actually a bug in Bilbo's epic poem, doncha know.

Harry: Professor! What happened to the stone?

Dumbledore: Well, the Philosopher's Stone-

Harry: The what?

Audience: NOOOOOOOO!

Dumbledore: Sorry. The /Sorcerer's/ Stone is gone. Poof. Vanish. No more. Nil. Zilch. Zip-o. The big nothing. Bupkiss. Nada. Missing in action. Absent without-

Harry: THANK you, Professor…

Dumbledore: And Flammel is going to die. Good thing too…he was getting into Strom Thurmond territory.

Harry: What about Voldemort?

Dumbledore: Who?

Harry: Voldemort! The EVIL guy!

Dumbledore: Oh, /that/ wasn't Voldemort! That was merely light refracting off of Venus into some swamp gas….

(HARRY gives him 'THE LOOK')

Dumbledore: Oh, all right. It was Voldemort.

Harry: Tell me WHY he wants to kill me!! And why he killed my parents!

Dumbledore: Never will I tell.

Harry: Auugh! Tell me about my parents!

Dumbledore: Ah hahah, screw you, Harry! I'm off to find Jim Caviezel and teach him the wisdom of Machiavellian regimes!

(DUMBLEDORE frolics from the hospital wing.)

Harry: You know…the Dursleys' aren't looking half bad right now.

RANDOM CORRIDOR NUMBER FIVE HUNDRED AND ONE

(HARRY meets up with RON and HERMIONE.)

Hermione: We're all a-okay and will now proceed to portray this in a horribly sweet manner.

Ron: Wicked.

Audience: *blows gasket* AUGH!!!!!

ZE GRREAT HALL

Dumbledore: In order to humiliate the Slytherins just a little bit more, I'll now make a humongous deal about the fact that the GRYFFINDORS actually won the house cup.

Gryffindors: Yay!

Harry: Hah, Draco. That's what you get for being evil.

Gryffindors: We're HAPPY! Let's jump around and shout a lot.

THE TRAIN STATION

Hagrid: I would jus' like t' reinstate th' fact thet; I'm HUGE!

Harry: Must say good-bye to Hagrid.

Hagrid: 'Ere, 'ave a photo album. I tried t' git pictures where yeh're parents didn't look so evil.

Harry: Aw, thanks. And thanks for telling me how to freak out Dudley.

Hermione: Feels strange to be going home, huh?

Harry: We're not going home…we're going to the premier of this movie!

Hermione: Oh… right!

Ron: Off we go, then!

THE MOVIE ENDS

Half the audience: Whoo! Cool! That rocked!

Other half: You didn't read the books, did you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't remember who wrote it, unfortunately..