i won't cross this street until you hold my hand.

[andwesink]

i'm trying so hard to keep my head up. i have common sense. i know exactly what is happening. i'm just having a hard time trying to decide whether i think i did anything to deserve this or not. being honest with myself. i recognize the things i do wrong. the way i ended things with him was wrong. the way i walked all over his feelings was wrong. but i can't apologize any more than i already have. he can't accept it one time then continue to hold it against me another. i don't even think that's his problem anymore. too much has happened since then. outside influences. those i'm still not sure what i did wrong with. i've spent the past year trying to change the things they complained about. not that it would help. but maybe they were right even just a little bit. i want him to have friends. i want him to be social. i want him to want them back but he just fucking won't. i want to fix everything and everyone but i can't. i want to fall asleep and wake up a year and a half ago in time to go to a show and a house party and have no job and not fucking care. i have no friends. not real ones anyways. just the kind that drink my beer, smoke my pot, and ask me for a ride somewhere i'm not invited to and shit talk me once they get there. it's pretty awful. i'm lonely but i shut out the one person that actually cares about me unconditionally. i feel like i'm the best person that i've been so far in my life right now but nobody seems to care. i mean i wake up so happy and i skip around my apartment and i go to work smiling and i'm happy to talk to all of the people that walk in the door. i like everyone i meet. i am so happy go lucky and i appreciate the smallest silliest little things like the weather and the way my dog looks when she's fast asleep on her favorite part of the couch. i do my best to mind my business and even when i'm put in a position where i have to be in the same place with someone i don't get along with, or rather someone that hates my guts and makes it well known, i don't even have a hard time co-existing without a problem. i could never do that before. i used to hate everyone and everything and i could hold a grudge with the best of them. i just don't feel like that's necessary anymore. if you want to be nice to me, i will be nice to you. i don't care what you say when i leave because i don't have to hear it and it doesn't have to affect me anymore. i'm trying so hard not to let any of this get me down but it's really wearing on me. the truth is if i thought it would help i would walk up to him and apologize for whatever it is that he thinks i did to him and i would mean it and i would give him a hug and i wouldn't think twice about it, post-puking on my car and all.

i think it's time to pack up and move cross country. where there's no stigma surrounding my name and no one hates me because their friend does. that's what i need. too bad i'll never grow the balls.