Forever Autumn 6/23
Title: Forever Autumn 6/23
Pairings: Jack/Ianto, John/Nick,
Characters: Jack, Ianto, John Hart, Nick Jones, and a cast of (probably!) thousands.
Spoilers: Set after Exit Wounds. Sequel to 'We Could Be Heroes'
Rating: Adult - it's going to get very dark in some places.
Warnings: Slash, language, angst, dark themes.
Summary: The group arrive at the Vegas Galaxies...but is all as it should be?
Disclaimer: I'm a student. I don't own Torchwood.
The Master List is here: anduria-trianys.livejournal.com/27610.html
Chapter 6
“Vegas Galaxies, here we come!” The Doctor pulled on a lever and grinned at the others. “Allons-y!”
There was a brief pause before the TARDIS gave a sudden and rather violent lurch before actually taking off the ground and sending everyone spinning around the room at what felt like a thousand miles an hour, and, knowing the Doctor, might well actually be a thousand miles an hour.
John grabbed onto the wall and threw out a hand to catch Matt and Garrett, who were now holding onto each other for dear life. “Does the place he comes from have a test for driving these things?” he asked Donna.
“More to the point, did he even take the test if there is one?!” shouted Garrett.
“Yes, and I failed!” the Doctor yelled from where he was frantically fiddling with some of the controls. Unfortunately, that only served to make the TARDIS swerve violently from side to side. “Sorry - seems she's decided to take us through an asteroid belt!”
“And who decided to give her those co-ordinates?” asked Jack, who, for some reason, was the only one who had been able to stay standing up.
“I did.” The Doctor grinned impishly. “Oh, come on, what's wrong with a little bit of danger! Makes life more exciting, doesn't it?”
“That's a matter of opinion,” muttered Garrett, who was looking almost as green as his shirt.
“I keep telling him he should let me drive it!” growled Donna. “But, oh, no, he insists on doing it himself! Honestly, boys and their toys!” She shook her head, but then stumbled back and almost fell as the TARDIS made another very abrupt swerve through the fabric of time and space. Jack managed to catch her before she hit the ground and gently set her on her feet with a grin as he pretended to dust her down.
“Ooooh!” she gushed, blushing. “Why, thank you, Captain!”
“Don't,” the Doctor warned, without looking up. “Just don't.”
“What?” Donna turned a glare in the direction of the Time Lord. “He's just being a gentleman, which is more than I can sometimes say for you, Spaceboy!”
“Tell me about it,” muttered Jack, still smiling, but with a slight catch in his voice that was only noticeable to anyone who knew to listen out for it.
John came over, ostensibly to join in the conversation, but he gently rested a comforting hand on Jack's shoulder. “Donna,” he said, “I think I love you.”
“Aha!” The Doctor suddenly leapt up and clapped his hands, making everyone jump. “We're here!”
“Finally,” said Garrett, staggering back to his feet. “That was nearly as bad as Jack's driving.”
“Hey!” Jack protested.
“Yeah, sorry about that,” said the Doctor, actually looking slightly sheepish.
“Well, at least we're here now,” said John with a grin. “Now, let's go and get plastered and dance naked in a giant bath full of chocolate!”
Jack blinked. “Didn't we do that on Barcelona?”
“Oh yes!” John grinned. “Got banned from the place indefinitely as I recall.”
“Anyway...” the Doctor said, appearing now with a silver tray and six small glasses of what looked like champagne which he handed out to everyone (after assuring them that it wasn't poisonous). “I propose a toast.” He raised his glass and looked around. “John, I hope you and Nick have a beautiful wedding and many happy and prosperous years ahead of you.”
“Thank you,” said John grinning.
“To John and Nick,” said Donna, a sentiment that was echoed by everyone around them as they clinked their glasses and, somewhat slowly after their trip, sipped the champagne.
“Right!” shouted the Doctor, bounding over to the door. “Out here is the famous Luxorian Nebula, the biggest and best part of the Vegas Galaxies!”
“Because you don't have to spend any money!” crowed John, who was now bouncing on the balls of his feet and holding up several bags of cherries and grapes. “You just have to make an offering of fruit to their great god, Imhotep!”
Matt blinked. “Are you seriously telling me that the corpse from The Mummy got deified?!”
“The corpse from The Mummy or the famous Egyptian architect,” said the Doctor, shrugging. “Depends who you ask. Anyway,” he turned back to them and grinned. “Allons-y!”
John, who was now buzzing in anticipation, rushed over to where the Doctor had opened the TARDIS doors. He was grinning wildly at the thought of scantily clad dancers, cheesy music blaring from every corner, tables groaning with different types of food and, most importantly, alcohol and debauchery!
“Here we come!” he shouted, rushing out of the doors with his eyes closed and standing still, waiting for the traditional greeting that consisted of a shower of sweet-tasting flower petals and a blast of welcoming music before being escorted away for a massage by the owners of the planet, who always seemed to know exactly how to tailor-make the experience for each and every new arrival.
But after he had stood there in complete silence, he started to feel nervous and wondered if something had gone wrong. The uneasy murmuring from behind him only served to heighten this feeling and he slowly opened his eyes and looked around.
“What the fuck?!” he blurted out.
Instead of the bright lights and the wild sounds he usually associated with the Luxorian Galaxies, he was faced by a large and cold room made entirely out of bleak grey stone with grim looking slits for windows. Ahead of him was a long corridor that was lit by a few flickering candles on the walls, but he could hear very faint singing in the distance as the voices echoed down the walls. It didn't sound like anything he recognised, but he figured that they must have come to a different time for a change.
“Oh well,” he said. “Nothing wrong with going in round the back entrance. Come on, guys.”
Jack snickered as the others followed him. “I remember a time when we always used the back entrance,” he muttered, ignoring the eyeroll he got from the Doctor.
“Best entrance to use, if you ask me,” said Garrett with a laugh.
Matt gaped at his partner. “Did you really just say that?!”
“I...” Garrett blinked a few times, looking like the proverbial rabbit in the headlights before he quickly re-arranged his expression to something more neutral. “You don't say a word to anyone!”
“Sir, no, Sir!” said Jack, offering a mocking salute. Matt and Donna both burst out laughing and even the Doctor grinned.
“Come on, guys!” shouted John. “Just down this corridor is an absolute smorgasboard of delights just waiting to be sampled!”
“Yeah!” Jack yelled, getting into the groove of things. “A trackless jungle of bright lights and sounds, just waiting to be explored - and then suitably defiled!”
The Doctor rolled his eyes. “Jack, you just corrupted Mary Poppins!” he gasped, clutching his chest as if he was mortally offended. “Then again, this is the Vegas Galaxies - a place for legal corruption, so who am I to talk?” He grinned broadly at them all. “Off we go, then!”
The group made their way down the corridor with John singing some of the most vulgar songs he could think of, enthusiastically joined by both Jack, Matt and, to everyone's surprise, Garrett, though the young Welshman only sang quietly until both his partner and Donna egged him on a bit more.
“Seems like your friend is lightening up,” the Doctor whispered to John.
“Well, if anything will do it, it's a trip to the Vegas Galaxies,” John whispered back and then grinned as he saw beams of light shining ahead of them. “Aha!”
Jack grinned. “Oh, yes!” He high-fived John. “Here we go - time for madness, mayhem and -”
“Monks?” asked Donna, who had gone on ahead. “Because unless I'm very much mistaken, the people in that room are definitely monks.”
“What?” John rushed over to where she was standing. “But...but that's impossible! There were only monks in the Vegas Galaxies back...” he trailed off when he saw exactly what she was looking at. “Back when it was still a monastery,” he finished.
“Doctor,” said Donna, turning her piercing gaze on the Time Lord. “When you said that you failed your TARDIS driving test...did you also fail the time travelling test?”
“No, I passed that one!” the Doctor said defensively. “On the fiftieth attempt,” he added sheepishly. “But I passed it easily that time...well, sort of easily...okay, not easily at all. Okay, I was only half a mark off a fail. But I still passed it!”
Jack had joined Donna and John by this point. “Any guesses as to when we are?” he asked. “Because it sure doesn't look like the right time.”
John switched on his wrist strap and ran his finger down one of the walls, sprinkling some dust onto the scanner. He groaned as he looked at the results and then tested them again just to be sure. “We've travelled back in time,” he murmured. “Back to the eighteenth century...September 6th, 1769, if I'm not mistaken.”
The Doctor frowned. “September 6th 1769,” he mused. “September 6th...why is that date so familiar?”
Donna groaned. “Great, so we've ended up around the time of the invention of steam engines back home!”
“Steam engines...steam engines...oh!” Suddenly, the Doctor clapped his hands. “Donna, you're brilliant!” He grabbed John's arm and thrust his wrist under his nose. “Look at this - look at this date!”
John blinked at him several times and squinted. “6th of the 9th...in the year '69,” he murmured. “I don't get it.”
“Well, think about it! What else can you use steam for apart from engines?”
“To power cars?” John shrugged. “I don't know...aeroplanes, boats, tractors...giraffes?”
“Giraffes?!” repeated the Doctor. “Who on earth wants a steam-powered giraffe?! No, you're thinking too big! Think smaller and...and more personal,” he said, blushing furiously.
Jack and Donna exchanged looks and John knew that they were both thinking that they had never seen the Doctor look this uncomfortable. He frowned. What on earth could make a Time Lord, who had surely seen it all and more, blush like a teenage boy in sex education class?
“Hold that thought!” The Doctor's voice suddenly cut in. “Well, maybe not the bit about me being a teenage boy, but...well, the sex education bit! Think about what you learned in your sex education classes - not all of you!” he added as Matt and Garrett blinked. “Sorry, but I doubt you guys learned what these guys did.”
Jack's eyes suddenly widened. “Doctor,” he said slowly. “Are you referring to a steam-powered dildo, by any chance?” He turned to John. “Don't you remember, we learned about the history of sex toys?”
“Thank you, Jack!” said the Doctor quickly. “But yes, that was what I was thinking. Donna's comment about steam engines got me thinking about what else you could use steam for and I remembered the steam-powered dildo was one of them, even though the patent was rejected.”
Garrett's mouth dropped open. “Why on earth would that be the first thing you thought of?!”
“The mind of a Time Lord works in strange - and disturbing ways,” said the Doctor enigmatically. “But the point is, that reminded me exactly why this date is so important.” He took a deep breath. “The 6th of the 9th, '69...is the date that the Vegarian Monastery - where we are now - first becomes the Vegas Galaxies! A rather appropriate date, really, if you look at the numbers.”
“Oh, yeah,” said John. “Sixty-nine.” He giggled childishly.
“Yes, sixty-nine!” The Doctor clapped his hands. “Tonight is the night that the Debauched Ones arrived at the Monastery and started the process of turning it into the pleasure capital of the universe! Oh, yes!”
“So, let me get this straight,” said John slowly. “You brought us here to witness the creation of the Vegas Galaxies?” He glanced around at everyone, a slow grin spreading over his face. “Cool! I've always wondered who those Debauched Ones were - I'd love to meet them and congratulate them!”
“Actually,” said the Doctor slowly, “I didn't bring you here intentionally. I was all set to take you to the Vegas Galaxies when they were in their prime. Apparently, though, the TARDIS had other ideas.”
“Are you sure it wasn't just because you ballsed up?” asked Donna.
“If it was any other date, I'd say yes,” said the Doctor. “But clearly, something happens today that we're meant to see...or at least know about.”
“Well, you did just say what it was,” said Jack, who by now had taken his jacket off, revealing his bare chest.
“Hold it,” said Matt suddenly. “Doctor...you said that this was the day that these Debauched Ones started the creation of the Vegas Galaxies?”
“Well...yes...” The Doctor nodded.
“And that the TARDIS brought us here deliberately? To this time?”
“Yes...”
“And she wouldn't do that unless something was going to happen that we had to be there for - like the creation of the Vegas Galaxies?”
The Doctor raised an eyebrow at him. “Matt,” he said slowly, “you're a very intelligent man, but I really don't think Donna and I are quite in the right mould to create the Vegas Galaxies.”
“Oi!” said Donna. “Speak for yourself!”
“Not you two, those two!” Matt exclaimed and pointed to his left.
John and Jack both blinked in unison. “What...us?”
“Yes.” Matt looked ready to bang his head into the wall. “You. Both of you.”
Garrett watched the two former Time Agents, both of whom were flat-out gaping. “Oh, stop looking so incredulous!” he exclaimed. “Seriously, if anyone was going to turn a monastery into an off-world Las Vegas, it would be you two!”
“Finally!” Matt threw his hands into the air. “Someone who's actually on my wavelength!”
“He does have a point,” said John. “Okay, Doc, so, if Jack and I are the Debauched Ones...what exactly do we have to do here?”
“Ah,” said the Doctor. “That I can't tell you.”
“What?” exclaimed Donna, but Jack raised his eyebrows.
“He doesn't know,” he said, wagging his finger at the Doctor. “You don't know, do you?”
“Only the journey is written, not the destination,” said the Doctor enigmatically.
“Convenient,” said John automatically.
“Oh, great!” groaned Garrett. “Please don't tell me there's another Mummy franchise fan here!”
“Just the first two films,” said the Doctor quickly. “The third was an absolute waste of celluloid and I didn't even bother going to - anyway!” He clapped his hands. “I guess you'll just have to improvise with what you've got to hand, won't you, hmm?” He was grinning in an irritatingly sweet way.
“Indeed we will,” said John, who was almost bouncing about on the tips of his toes in excitement. “And, Jack, I seem to remember that we're pretty good at improvisation.”
“Oh, I agree,” said Jack, grinning. “What did you have in mind that we can use,” he looked around, “handfuls of grapes and cherries for?”
“Well,” said John, “and this is just a shot in the dark, but...I'm thinking that we start by doing an impression of our dear celluloid friend, Mr. Jonathan Carnahan. You know,” he widened his eyes and put on a fake-zombie expression, while comically holding his arms out in front of him. “Im-ho-teppp...Im-ho-teppp....” He grinned at Jack. “You know, like they're doing in there, only much more of it. And then...”
“And then...what?” asked Garrett, looking interested despite himself.
“Well,” said Jack. “This is where the real genius comes into play.”
“Oh, this I have to see!” crowed Donna.
~*~
“Well, I have to say, Jack you really have outdone yourself this time!” shouted the Doctor as the group rushed back to the TARDIS.
“It's not my fault!” shouted Jack. “No one expects to get into a fight with a group of asexual pacifist monks!”
“Well, they're not such pacifists now, are they?” retorted Matt. “And I'm not sure they're exactly asexual either!” He pointed behind him where, even though several of the monks were chasing after them, a small group of them were sprawled on the floor surrounded by clouds of coloured smoke in various states of undress as they rubbed against each other and groaned loudly.
John abruptly stopped at the sight, causing Jack and Donna to run into him. “Damn,” he said. “It looks like it really did work! Hey, Jack, we created the Vegas Galaxies! I told you getting in the middle of those guys would work out fine!” He eyed his friend up with a grin. “Nice muscles as well.”
“What?” Jack blinked and looked down at himself. “Aw, damn! They've got my jacket!”
“Well, we're not going back for it now!” the Doctor yelled and then bodily lfited Jack in his arms and threw him onto the TARDIS floor. “Come on, come on!”
“Where are we going now?” asked Donna as she slammed the doors behind her, ignoring Garrett's yell as she trapped his finger. “Because I was promised a stag night and if you don't -”
“Oh, you'll get your stag night!” yelled the Doctor as the TARDIS zoomed through space before making a very smooth landing, much to the astonishment of everyone after the rather uncomfortable journey.
“What the hell?” asked John. “How did you drive it so well then?”
“Ah, well, I do have my moments,” said the Doctor sagely. “Plus, let's face it, knowing exactly where you want to end up also helps a lot....well, sometimes.” He opened the door and glanced outside, before leaping in the air and cheering.
“Okay, I just hit my head hard there, but no matter, because I am a genius!”
“Why?” asked Garrett warily. “Where are we?”
“The Luxor Hotel!” The Doctor threw open the doors so that everyone could see where they were. “Welcome to Las Vegas, Nevada!”
***
Next Time: What trouble will the boys and Donna get into in Las Vegas? And what about when they get home - what stories will Nick have to tell?
Pairings: Jack/Ianto, John/Nick,
Characters: Jack, Ianto, John Hart, Nick Jones, and a cast of (probably!) thousands.
Spoilers: Set after Exit Wounds. Sequel to 'We Could Be Heroes'
Rating: Adult - it's going to get very dark in some places.
Warnings: Slash, language, angst, dark themes.
Summary: The group arrive at the Vegas Galaxies...but is all as it should be?
Disclaimer: I'm a student. I don't own Torchwood.
The Master List is here: anduria-trianys.livejournal.com/27610.html
Chapter 6
“Vegas Galaxies, here we come!” The Doctor pulled on a lever and grinned at the others. “Allons-y!”
There was a brief pause before the TARDIS gave a sudden and rather violent lurch before actually taking off the ground and sending everyone spinning around the room at what felt like a thousand miles an hour, and, knowing the Doctor, might well actually be a thousand miles an hour.
John grabbed onto the wall and threw out a hand to catch Matt and Garrett, who were now holding onto each other for dear life. “Does the place he comes from have a test for driving these things?” he asked Donna.
“More to the point, did he even take the test if there is one?!” shouted Garrett.
“Yes, and I failed!” the Doctor yelled from where he was frantically fiddling with some of the controls. Unfortunately, that only served to make the TARDIS swerve violently from side to side. “Sorry - seems she's decided to take us through an asteroid belt!”
“And who decided to give her those co-ordinates?” asked Jack, who, for some reason, was the only one who had been able to stay standing up.
“I did.” The Doctor grinned impishly. “Oh, come on, what's wrong with a little bit of danger! Makes life more exciting, doesn't it?”
“That's a matter of opinion,” muttered Garrett, who was looking almost as green as his shirt.
“I keep telling him he should let me drive it!” growled Donna. “But, oh, no, he insists on doing it himself! Honestly, boys and their toys!” She shook her head, but then stumbled back and almost fell as the TARDIS made another very abrupt swerve through the fabric of time and space. Jack managed to catch her before she hit the ground and gently set her on her feet with a grin as he pretended to dust her down.
“Ooooh!” she gushed, blushing. “Why, thank you, Captain!”
“Don't,” the Doctor warned, without looking up. “Just don't.”
“What?” Donna turned a glare in the direction of the Time Lord. “He's just being a gentleman, which is more than I can sometimes say for you, Spaceboy!”
“Tell me about it,” muttered Jack, still smiling, but with a slight catch in his voice that was only noticeable to anyone who knew to listen out for it.
John came over, ostensibly to join in the conversation, but he gently rested a comforting hand on Jack's shoulder. “Donna,” he said, “I think I love you.”
“Aha!” The Doctor suddenly leapt up and clapped his hands, making everyone jump. “We're here!”
“Finally,” said Garrett, staggering back to his feet. “That was nearly as bad as Jack's driving.”
“Hey!” Jack protested.
“Yeah, sorry about that,” said the Doctor, actually looking slightly sheepish.
“Well, at least we're here now,” said John with a grin. “Now, let's go and get plastered and dance naked in a giant bath full of chocolate!”
Jack blinked. “Didn't we do that on Barcelona?”
“Oh yes!” John grinned. “Got banned from the place indefinitely as I recall.”
“Anyway...” the Doctor said, appearing now with a silver tray and six small glasses of what looked like champagne which he handed out to everyone (after assuring them that it wasn't poisonous). “I propose a toast.” He raised his glass and looked around. “John, I hope you and Nick have a beautiful wedding and many happy and prosperous years ahead of you.”
“Thank you,” said John grinning.
“To John and Nick,” said Donna, a sentiment that was echoed by everyone around them as they clinked their glasses and, somewhat slowly after their trip, sipped the champagne.
“Right!” shouted the Doctor, bounding over to the door. “Out here is the famous Luxorian Nebula, the biggest and best part of the Vegas Galaxies!”
“Because you don't have to spend any money!” crowed John, who was now bouncing on the balls of his feet and holding up several bags of cherries and grapes. “You just have to make an offering of fruit to their great god, Imhotep!”
Matt blinked. “Are you seriously telling me that the corpse from The Mummy got deified?!”
“The corpse from The Mummy or the famous Egyptian architect,” said the Doctor, shrugging. “Depends who you ask. Anyway,” he turned back to them and grinned. “Allons-y!”
John, who was now buzzing in anticipation, rushed over to where the Doctor had opened the TARDIS doors. He was grinning wildly at the thought of scantily clad dancers, cheesy music blaring from every corner, tables groaning with different types of food and, most importantly, alcohol and debauchery!
“Here we come!” he shouted, rushing out of the doors with his eyes closed and standing still, waiting for the traditional greeting that consisted of a shower of sweet-tasting flower petals and a blast of welcoming music before being escorted away for a massage by the owners of the planet, who always seemed to know exactly how to tailor-make the experience for each and every new arrival.
But after he had stood there in complete silence, he started to feel nervous and wondered if something had gone wrong. The uneasy murmuring from behind him only served to heighten this feeling and he slowly opened his eyes and looked around.
“What the fuck?!” he blurted out.
Instead of the bright lights and the wild sounds he usually associated with the Luxorian Galaxies, he was faced by a large and cold room made entirely out of bleak grey stone with grim looking slits for windows. Ahead of him was a long corridor that was lit by a few flickering candles on the walls, but he could hear very faint singing in the distance as the voices echoed down the walls. It didn't sound like anything he recognised, but he figured that they must have come to a different time for a change.
“Oh well,” he said. “Nothing wrong with going in round the back entrance. Come on, guys.”
Jack snickered as the others followed him. “I remember a time when we always used the back entrance,” he muttered, ignoring the eyeroll he got from the Doctor.
“Best entrance to use, if you ask me,” said Garrett with a laugh.
Matt gaped at his partner. “Did you really just say that?!”
“I...” Garrett blinked a few times, looking like the proverbial rabbit in the headlights before he quickly re-arranged his expression to something more neutral. “You don't say a word to anyone!”
“Sir, no, Sir!” said Jack, offering a mocking salute. Matt and Donna both burst out laughing and even the Doctor grinned.
“Come on, guys!” shouted John. “Just down this corridor is an absolute smorgasboard of delights just waiting to be sampled!”
“Yeah!” Jack yelled, getting into the groove of things. “A trackless jungle of bright lights and sounds, just waiting to be explored - and then suitably defiled!”
The Doctor rolled his eyes. “Jack, you just corrupted Mary Poppins!” he gasped, clutching his chest as if he was mortally offended. “Then again, this is the Vegas Galaxies - a place for legal corruption, so who am I to talk?” He grinned broadly at them all. “Off we go, then!”
The group made their way down the corridor with John singing some of the most vulgar songs he could think of, enthusiastically joined by both Jack, Matt and, to everyone's surprise, Garrett, though the young Welshman only sang quietly until both his partner and Donna egged him on a bit more.
“Seems like your friend is lightening up,” the Doctor whispered to John.
“Well, if anything will do it, it's a trip to the Vegas Galaxies,” John whispered back and then grinned as he saw beams of light shining ahead of them. “Aha!”
Jack grinned. “Oh, yes!” He high-fived John. “Here we go - time for madness, mayhem and -”
“Monks?” asked Donna, who had gone on ahead. “Because unless I'm very much mistaken, the people in that room are definitely monks.”
“What?” John rushed over to where she was standing. “But...but that's impossible! There were only monks in the Vegas Galaxies back...” he trailed off when he saw exactly what she was looking at. “Back when it was still a monastery,” he finished.
“Doctor,” said Donna, turning her piercing gaze on the Time Lord. “When you said that you failed your TARDIS driving test...did you also fail the time travelling test?”
“No, I passed that one!” the Doctor said defensively. “On the fiftieth attempt,” he added sheepishly. “But I passed it easily that time...well, sort of easily...okay, not easily at all. Okay, I was only half a mark off a fail. But I still passed it!”
Jack had joined Donna and John by this point. “Any guesses as to when we are?” he asked. “Because it sure doesn't look like the right time.”
John switched on his wrist strap and ran his finger down one of the walls, sprinkling some dust onto the scanner. He groaned as he looked at the results and then tested them again just to be sure. “We've travelled back in time,” he murmured. “Back to the eighteenth century...September 6th, 1769, if I'm not mistaken.”
The Doctor frowned. “September 6th 1769,” he mused. “September 6th...why is that date so familiar?”
Donna groaned. “Great, so we've ended up around the time of the invention of steam engines back home!”
“Steam engines...steam engines...oh!” Suddenly, the Doctor clapped his hands. “Donna, you're brilliant!” He grabbed John's arm and thrust his wrist under his nose. “Look at this - look at this date!”
John blinked at him several times and squinted. “6th of the 9th...in the year '69,” he murmured. “I don't get it.”
“Well, think about it! What else can you use steam for apart from engines?”
“To power cars?” John shrugged. “I don't know...aeroplanes, boats, tractors...giraffes?”
“Giraffes?!” repeated the Doctor. “Who on earth wants a steam-powered giraffe?! No, you're thinking too big! Think smaller and...and more personal,” he said, blushing furiously.
Jack and Donna exchanged looks and John knew that they were both thinking that they had never seen the Doctor look this uncomfortable. He frowned. What on earth could make a Time Lord, who had surely seen it all and more, blush like a teenage boy in sex education class?
“Hold that thought!” The Doctor's voice suddenly cut in. “Well, maybe not the bit about me being a teenage boy, but...well, the sex education bit! Think about what you learned in your sex education classes - not all of you!” he added as Matt and Garrett blinked. “Sorry, but I doubt you guys learned what these guys did.”
Jack's eyes suddenly widened. “Doctor,” he said slowly. “Are you referring to a steam-powered dildo, by any chance?” He turned to John. “Don't you remember, we learned about the history of sex toys?”
“Thank you, Jack!” said the Doctor quickly. “But yes, that was what I was thinking. Donna's comment about steam engines got me thinking about what else you could use steam for and I remembered the steam-powered dildo was one of them, even though the patent was rejected.”
Garrett's mouth dropped open. “Why on earth would that be the first thing you thought of?!”
“The mind of a Time Lord works in strange - and disturbing ways,” said the Doctor enigmatically. “But the point is, that reminded me exactly why this date is so important.” He took a deep breath. “The 6th of the 9th, '69...is the date that the Vegarian Monastery - where we are now - first becomes the Vegas Galaxies! A rather appropriate date, really, if you look at the numbers.”
“Oh, yeah,” said John. “Sixty-nine.” He giggled childishly.
“Yes, sixty-nine!” The Doctor clapped his hands. “Tonight is the night that the Debauched Ones arrived at the Monastery and started the process of turning it into the pleasure capital of the universe! Oh, yes!”
“So, let me get this straight,” said John slowly. “You brought us here to witness the creation of the Vegas Galaxies?” He glanced around at everyone, a slow grin spreading over his face. “Cool! I've always wondered who those Debauched Ones were - I'd love to meet them and congratulate them!”
“Actually,” said the Doctor slowly, “I didn't bring you here intentionally. I was all set to take you to the Vegas Galaxies when they were in their prime. Apparently, though, the TARDIS had other ideas.”
“Are you sure it wasn't just because you ballsed up?” asked Donna.
“If it was any other date, I'd say yes,” said the Doctor. “But clearly, something happens today that we're meant to see...or at least know about.”
“Well, you did just say what it was,” said Jack, who by now had taken his jacket off, revealing his bare chest.
“Hold it,” said Matt suddenly. “Doctor...you said that this was the day that these Debauched Ones started the creation of the Vegas Galaxies?”
“Well...yes...” The Doctor nodded.
“And that the TARDIS brought us here deliberately? To this time?”
“Yes...”
“And she wouldn't do that unless something was going to happen that we had to be there for - like the creation of the Vegas Galaxies?”
The Doctor raised an eyebrow at him. “Matt,” he said slowly, “you're a very intelligent man, but I really don't think Donna and I are quite in the right mould to create the Vegas Galaxies.”
“Oi!” said Donna. “Speak for yourself!”
“Not you two, those two!” Matt exclaimed and pointed to his left.
John and Jack both blinked in unison. “What...us?”
“Yes.” Matt looked ready to bang his head into the wall. “You. Both of you.”
Garrett watched the two former Time Agents, both of whom were flat-out gaping. “Oh, stop looking so incredulous!” he exclaimed. “Seriously, if anyone was going to turn a monastery into an off-world Las Vegas, it would be you two!”
“Finally!” Matt threw his hands into the air. “Someone who's actually on my wavelength!”
“He does have a point,” said John. “Okay, Doc, so, if Jack and I are the Debauched Ones...what exactly do we have to do here?”
“Ah,” said the Doctor. “That I can't tell you.”
“What?” exclaimed Donna, but Jack raised his eyebrows.
“He doesn't know,” he said, wagging his finger at the Doctor. “You don't know, do you?”
“Only the journey is written, not the destination,” said the Doctor enigmatically.
“Convenient,” said John automatically.
“Oh, great!” groaned Garrett. “Please don't tell me there's another Mummy franchise fan here!”
“Just the first two films,” said the Doctor quickly. “The third was an absolute waste of celluloid and I didn't even bother going to - anyway!” He clapped his hands. “I guess you'll just have to improvise with what you've got to hand, won't you, hmm?” He was grinning in an irritatingly sweet way.
“Indeed we will,” said John, who was almost bouncing about on the tips of his toes in excitement. “And, Jack, I seem to remember that we're pretty good at improvisation.”
“Oh, I agree,” said Jack, grinning. “What did you have in mind that we can use,” he looked around, “handfuls of grapes and cherries for?”
“Well,” said John, “and this is just a shot in the dark, but...I'm thinking that we start by doing an impression of our dear celluloid friend, Mr. Jonathan Carnahan. You know,” he widened his eyes and put on a fake-zombie expression, while comically holding his arms out in front of him. “Im-ho-teppp...Im-ho-teppp....” He grinned at Jack. “You know, like they're doing in there, only much more of it. And then...”
“And then...what?” asked Garrett, looking interested despite himself.
“Well,” said Jack. “This is where the real genius comes into play.”
“Oh, this I have to see!” crowed Donna.
~*~
“Well, I have to say, Jack you really have outdone yourself this time!” shouted the Doctor as the group rushed back to the TARDIS.
“It's not my fault!” shouted Jack. “No one expects to get into a fight with a group of asexual pacifist monks!”
“Well, they're not such pacifists now, are they?” retorted Matt. “And I'm not sure they're exactly asexual either!” He pointed behind him where, even though several of the monks were chasing after them, a small group of them were sprawled on the floor surrounded by clouds of coloured smoke in various states of undress as they rubbed against each other and groaned loudly.
John abruptly stopped at the sight, causing Jack and Donna to run into him. “Damn,” he said. “It looks like it really did work! Hey, Jack, we created the Vegas Galaxies! I told you getting in the middle of those guys would work out fine!” He eyed his friend up with a grin. “Nice muscles as well.”
“What?” Jack blinked and looked down at himself. “Aw, damn! They've got my jacket!”
“Well, we're not going back for it now!” the Doctor yelled and then bodily lfited Jack in his arms and threw him onto the TARDIS floor. “Come on, come on!”
“Where are we going now?” asked Donna as she slammed the doors behind her, ignoring Garrett's yell as she trapped his finger. “Because I was promised a stag night and if you don't -”
“Oh, you'll get your stag night!” yelled the Doctor as the TARDIS zoomed through space before making a very smooth landing, much to the astonishment of everyone after the rather uncomfortable journey.
“What the hell?” asked John. “How did you drive it so well then?”
“Ah, well, I do have my moments,” said the Doctor sagely. “Plus, let's face it, knowing exactly where you want to end up also helps a lot....well, sometimes.” He opened the door and glanced outside, before leaping in the air and cheering.
“Okay, I just hit my head hard there, but no matter, because I am a genius!”
“Why?” asked Garrett warily. “Where are we?”
“The Luxor Hotel!” The Doctor threw open the doors so that everyone could see where they were. “Welcome to Las Vegas, Nevada!”
***
Next Time: What trouble will the boys and Donna get into in Las Vegas? And what about when they get home - what stories will Nick have to tell?