Will My Arms Be Strong Enough 30/45
Title: Will My Arms Be Strong Enough? 30/45
Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys...and others!
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Rhys, John Hart, two OC's, Andrea (Andie) Carlowe and Nick Jones.
Spoilers: Set after Exit Wounds.
Summary: Nick makes his decision.
Chapter 30
“Those children need stability. Right now, you can’t give them that.”
The words echoed round the flat, bouncing off the walls and the ceiling, before they finally reached Nick’s ears. He stood, shocked, for a few minutes, the words rushing and roaring through him, before they finally reached his brain. As they sunk in and he realised the true meaning of what his sister had said, Nick turned round and slowly walked towards her, his mouth moving, but no sound was coming out. He stood in front of her for several seconds, trying to speak, only to end up sinking back onto the sofa, his hands gripping his hair as all his energy seemed to seep away.
“I’m a terrible father,” he murmured.
Catrin shook her head. “That would only be the case if you didn’t put your children’s needs first,” she said. “And what they need now is something that their father is in no position to give them.” She looked straight at her brother. “Nick, I can’t tell you what to do and I would never force you into anything. At the end of the day, they are your kids, so this has to be your decision. But just take a moment and think. Can you look me in the eye and honestly say that you are in any position to raise two young children in your current state?”
Her voice dropped slightly and she touched his hand, masking the hurt she felt when he flinched away and stood up as if he’d been burnt. “And…how are you going to do your job properly if you’re worrying about your children?”
Nick turned round and opened his mouth to reply sharply, but the words wouldn’t come. Instead, he suddenly found himself remembering the day of his uncle’s funeral where he had sat with his sleeping children and made a promise after returning home and seeing how peacefully his young family - or what was left of it - was sleeping.
“I won’t run from this. I will do whatever I can to protect the people I love. And if I die trying…then it will all be in the line of duty...I can’t stand the thought of leaving these two without a father or a mother, but if I die protecting them…at least I know they'll be safe.”
Wasn’t that what he was doing by working at Torchwood? Wasn’t half the reason why he agreed to work for Torchwood so that he could protect his children and the world around them? He wanted Estelle and Trevyn to have a better world - a safer world.
“And that’s what I want to play a part in building,” he whispered. “Whatever it takes, I will do everything I can to protect the people I love…even if it means I can’t always be there.”
He turned to Catrin and took a deep breath. “You’re right,” he said, his voice calm, but his eyes betraying what the words were costing him. “When Alison passed away, I promised myself I would protect Estelle and Trevyn, no matter what it took. I’m not in a position to do that right now.”
Immediately, Catrin’s face softened. “It wouldn’t be a permanent thing, Nick,” she said quietly. “I’ll take care of them for as long as you need me to, just to give you some time to clear your head.” She touched Nick’s hand and squeezed it when her brother didn’t pull away. “What do you say?”
Nick thought for a moment. “Can you take them for…ten days?” he suggested.
“As long as you need,” she affirmed. “If you need any more time -”
“No, just ten days,” he interrupted. “Otherwise they’ll forget who I am.” He meant it as a joke, but the moment he caught sight of Catrin’s face, he knew it had fallen flat. “I mean -”
Catrin sighed. “Nick, those children are never going to forget you. You heard Trev call you Daddy earlier - he idolizes you. And so he should.” She reached up and stroked his cheek gently. “You’re doing the right thing, Nick. You need this break.”
~*~
Three weeks later…
Jack was facing the autopsy bay from one of the windows in the hothouse, ostensibly flicking through a book, but really watching the activity going on down below. Earlier that day, the team had been called to deal with a pack of Weevils in Bute Park, and Nick had ended up in the path of one of them, resulting in an injury to his left arm. It wasn’t serious, thankfully, but it brought home another frightening realization for Jack.
Setting his book aside, he finally turned round. “I don’t understand,” he said. “Two weeks ago, he seemed to be so much better; he was looking refreshed, cheerful and happy. But now…” he sighed and turned back. “He could have been seriously hurt today.”
“I know,” replied Ianto, coming over to join him. “I’m going to go down and talk to him.” He smiled slightly at the older man and trailed down the stairs, mentally preparing himself. But as it turned out, he didn’t have the chance to say anything.
“I know what I have to do,” said Nick quietly, not turning around. “It’s just…I’m afraid to do it.”
Ianto nodded. “I know,” he said, stepping a bit closer, but not so close that he was overshadowing the other man. “I understand, Nick. Believe me, I do. Giving up someone you love isn’t easy -”
Nick turned his head sharply. “I’m not giving them up!” he exclaimed, his eyes widening, but then his voice dropped to a broken whisper. “I can’t…”
“But sometimes it’s for the best,” Ianto ploughed on regardless, knowing that he had to make his cousin see that he was doing the right thing. “Listen to me. You always said that you wanted to protect your children, whatever the cost. It doesn’t matter who they live with, Nick. You are always going to be protecting them - and the world they live in - by doing this job. You’re giving them hope for a better and a safer future.” He stepped slightly further forwards and touched his hand. “You’ve already said that you know what you have to do. And I know that you can do it - I know that you have the courage to do it.”
Slowly, Nick turned round properly and looked at his cousin’s hand on top of his before looking straight into Ianto’s stormy blue eyes. Just watching them gave him strength and made him realise that he could do this…that he knew what he had to do…
“For the greater good,” he whispered, absently stroking Ianto’s fingers. “I made a promise to protect the people I love, even if it meant dying.” He sighed softly. “Every night, for a week, I’ve heard those same words in my head, calling me in my dreams…telling me that if there’s any way that I can keep Estelle and Trev safe…then I must do it, even if -”
“And you can stop that thought right there,” interrupted Ianto. “You’re not abandoning them and you’re not leaving them alone. They will be loved and safe, Nick, whatever happens.” He gripped his hands tight. “I will make sure of that, even if it’s with my dying breath.”
He paused to let those words sink in. “And what’s more, you will not be going through this alone. I’ve had lots of practice at supporting people.” He chanced a glance up to the hothouse and smiled slightly when Jack raised an eyebrow at him, before turning back and looking straight into Nick’s eyes. “It’s high time I started to do that for you.”
Nick felt his heart almost stop as Ianto’s heartfelt words washed over him. Three times, he tried to speak and three times the huge lump in his throat choked him, cutting his voice off. A sharp pain shot through his nostrils and his vision began to blur and shimmer as tears stung behind his eyes. When he tried, without success, to speak again, he grabbed Ianto and enveloped him in a fierce embrace, ignoring the few tears that spilled down his face.
From his vantage point in the hothouse, Jack smiled and wiped away a few tears of his own as he saw Ianto wrap his arms tightly round his cousin, holding him close and protecting him.
~*~
Two days later…
Nick leaned against the railing and watched as his sister walked away, Estelle sound asleep in her pram and Trevyn skipping along, waving behind him all the way. Occasionally, Catrin would also turn around and give her brother a small smile. Once they were out of sight, however, the young man dropped his hand back to his side and turned round, gazing up at the sky and ignoring the feeling of metal pressed against his back.
Gwen came outside a moment later and looked out at the water in front of her. “It really gets to you, doesn’t it?” she mused. “Doing this job, I mean.”
“Yep,” answered Nick with a small and rather ironic laugh. “It really does.”
Gwen smiled. “You’re doing the right thing, Nick,” she said. “Whether or not Estelle and Trevyn are living with you, just by doing what you do, you are protecting them.”
“I know. It’s just hard, knowing that they might never know their father properly if I die young. But I said I would give my last breath to protect them and I will stand by that.”
“I know you will…because you’re a good father to them, even if they’re not with you.”
Nick turned and looked at her sharply for a minute before he spoke. “I just wish I didn’t have to lie to Catrin about what I did,” he murmured. “I mean, I know she wouldn’t believe me, but it doesn’t make things easier, that’s for sure.” He smiled a little bitterly. “It must be easier being able to tell Rhys the truth now.”
Gwen looked thoughtful. “Well, in some ways, it is, but in other ways it isn’t,” she admitted. “I mean, it’s nice not having to lie all the time and it’s nice having someone to talk to after a hard day. But on the other hand, I hate the thought that he knows how dangerous this job, because sometimes I can just see him wanting to protect me from it and it breaks my heart a little knowing that he can’t…and knowing that I’ll die young and probably leave him alone.”
Nick nodded. “Yeah, I understand that. At Alison’s memorial recently, I wanted to tell her family what really happened to her, but I knew that I couldn’t because they’d never believe me.” He gave another dry laugh, but then caught Gwen’s confused look. “What is it?”
Gwen blushed. “I’m sorry, but…I thought Alison…you know, passed away. I mean, one day, you were so convinced that she was alive and then -”
“Then I seemed to have given up?” Nick nodded. “That’s because I found her. She’s…still alive, but…she’s not here.” Quickly, he turned back, his eyes drifting across the water.
Gwen’s eyes widened as the meaning behind that look hit her. “Nick, I’m sorry,” she gasped. “I didn’t realise…”
“Doesn’t matter,” Nick said quietly. “She was…well, she was gone a long time ago. It wasn’t until John took me there that I realised it.”
“John took you there?”
“Yes…because I asked him to!” he said hastily, seeing the shocked look in his colleague’s eyes. “I knew that he knew what had happened to her and I asked him to take me there - no, I more or less demanded that he did. He gave me the chances to back out, but I insisted. I had to know.”
“And do you feel better for knowing?” Gwen asked, but when Nick didn’t reply, except for a shrug, she nodded. “You do, but then again you don’t, right?”
“Something like that,” answered Nick, wearily. “Can we talk about something else now?”
Gwen nodded. “Sure. Hey, d’you fancy going to grab some lunch? We’ve not really gotten to know each other very well yet, which is a bit silly considering we’ll be working together.” She held out her hand. “It’s my treat.”
Nick laughed gently and accepted her hand. “That would be lovely. I know just the place.”
***
Next Time: John and Nick mix business and pleasure, with good results…until unforeseen circumstances see John’s past suddenly coming back to haunt him.
Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys...and others!
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Rhys, John Hart, two OC's, Andrea (Andie) Carlowe and Nick Jones.
Spoilers: Set after Exit Wounds.
Summary: Nick makes his decision.
Chapter 30
“Those children need stability. Right now, you can’t give them that.”
The words echoed round the flat, bouncing off the walls and the ceiling, before they finally reached Nick’s ears. He stood, shocked, for a few minutes, the words rushing and roaring through him, before they finally reached his brain. As they sunk in and he realised the true meaning of what his sister had said, Nick turned round and slowly walked towards her, his mouth moving, but no sound was coming out. He stood in front of her for several seconds, trying to speak, only to end up sinking back onto the sofa, his hands gripping his hair as all his energy seemed to seep away.
“I’m a terrible father,” he murmured.
Catrin shook her head. “That would only be the case if you didn’t put your children’s needs first,” she said. “And what they need now is something that their father is in no position to give them.” She looked straight at her brother. “Nick, I can’t tell you what to do and I would never force you into anything. At the end of the day, they are your kids, so this has to be your decision. But just take a moment and think. Can you look me in the eye and honestly say that you are in any position to raise two young children in your current state?”
Her voice dropped slightly and she touched his hand, masking the hurt she felt when he flinched away and stood up as if he’d been burnt. “And…how are you going to do your job properly if you’re worrying about your children?”
Nick turned round and opened his mouth to reply sharply, but the words wouldn’t come. Instead, he suddenly found himself remembering the day of his uncle’s funeral where he had sat with his sleeping children and made a promise after returning home and seeing how peacefully his young family - or what was left of it - was sleeping.
“I won’t run from this. I will do whatever I can to protect the people I love. And if I die trying…then it will all be in the line of duty...I can’t stand the thought of leaving these two without a father or a mother, but if I die protecting them…at least I know they'll be safe.”
Wasn’t that what he was doing by working at Torchwood? Wasn’t half the reason why he agreed to work for Torchwood so that he could protect his children and the world around them? He wanted Estelle and Trevyn to have a better world - a safer world.
“And that’s what I want to play a part in building,” he whispered. “Whatever it takes, I will do everything I can to protect the people I love…even if it means I can’t always be there.”
He turned to Catrin and took a deep breath. “You’re right,” he said, his voice calm, but his eyes betraying what the words were costing him. “When Alison passed away, I promised myself I would protect Estelle and Trevyn, no matter what it took. I’m not in a position to do that right now.”
Immediately, Catrin’s face softened. “It wouldn’t be a permanent thing, Nick,” she said quietly. “I’ll take care of them for as long as you need me to, just to give you some time to clear your head.” She touched Nick’s hand and squeezed it when her brother didn’t pull away. “What do you say?”
Nick thought for a moment. “Can you take them for…ten days?” he suggested.
“As long as you need,” she affirmed. “If you need any more time -”
“No, just ten days,” he interrupted. “Otherwise they’ll forget who I am.” He meant it as a joke, but the moment he caught sight of Catrin’s face, he knew it had fallen flat. “I mean -”
Catrin sighed. “Nick, those children are never going to forget you. You heard Trev call you Daddy earlier - he idolizes you. And so he should.” She reached up and stroked his cheek gently. “You’re doing the right thing, Nick. You need this break.”
~*~
Three weeks later…
Jack was facing the autopsy bay from one of the windows in the hothouse, ostensibly flicking through a book, but really watching the activity going on down below. Earlier that day, the team had been called to deal with a pack of Weevils in Bute Park, and Nick had ended up in the path of one of them, resulting in an injury to his left arm. It wasn’t serious, thankfully, but it brought home another frightening realization for Jack.
Setting his book aside, he finally turned round. “I don’t understand,” he said. “Two weeks ago, he seemed to be so much better; he was looking refreshed, cheerful and happy. But now…” he sighed and turned back. “He could have been seriously hurt today.”
“I know,” replied Ianto, coming over to join him. “I’m going to go down and talk to him.” He smiled slightly at the older man and trailed down the stairs, mentally preparing himself. But as it turned out, he didn’t have the chance to say anything.
“I know what I have to do,” said Nick quietly, not turning around. “It’s just…I’m afraid to do it.”
Ianto nodded. “I know,” he said, stepping a bit closer, but not so close that he was overshadowing the other man. “I understand, Nick. Believe me, I do. Giving up someone you love isn’t easy -”
Nick turned his head sharply. “I’m not giving them up!” he exclaimed, his eyes widening, but then his voice dropped to a broken whisper. “I can’t…”
“But sometimes it’s for the best,” Ianto ploughed on regardless, knowing that he had to make his cousin see that he was doing the right thing. “Listen to me. You always said that you wanted to protect your children, whatever the cost. It doesn’t matter who they live with, Nick. You are always going to be protecting them - and the world they live in - by doing this job. You’re giving them hope for a better and a safer future.” He stepped slightly further forwards and touched his hand. “You’ve already said that you know what you have to do. And I know that you can do it - I know that you have the courage to do it.”
Slowly, Nick turned round properly and looked at his cousin’s hand on top of his before looking straight into Ianto’s stormy blue eyes. Just watching them gave him strength and made him realise that he could do this…that he knew what he had to do…
“For the greater good,” he whispered, absently stroking Ianto’s fingers. “I made a promise to protect the people I love, even if it meant dying.” He sighed softly. “Every night, for a week, I’ve heard those same words in my head, calling me in my dreams…telling me that if there’s any way that I can keep Estelle and Trev safe…then I must do it, even if -”
“And you can stop that thought right there,” interrupted Ianto. “You’re not abandoning them and you’re not leaving them alone. They will be loved and safe, Nick, whatever happens.” He gripped his hands tight. “I will make sure of that, even if it’s with my dying breath.”
He paused to let those words sink in. “And what’s more, you will not be going through this alone. I’ve had lots of practice at supporting people.” He chanced a glance up to the hothouse and smiled slightly when Jack raised an eyebrow at him, before turning back and looking straight into Nick’s eyes. “It’s high time I started to do that for you.”
Nick felt his heart almost stop as Ianto’s heartfelt words washed over him. Three times, he tried to speak and three times the huge lump in his throat choked him, cutting his voice off. A sharp pain shot through his nostrils and his vision began to blur and shimmer as tears stung behind his eyes. When he tried, without success, to speak again, he grabbed Ianto and enveloped him in a fierce embrace, ignoring the few tears that spilled down his face.
From his vantage point in the hothouse, Jack smiled and wiped away a few tears of his own as he saw Ianto wrap his arms tightly round his cousin, holding him close and protecting him.
~*~
Two days later…
Nick leaned against the railing and watched as his sister walked away, Estelle sound asleep in her pram and Trevyn skipping along, waving behind him all the way. Occasionally, Catrin would also turn around and give her brother a small smile. Once they were out of sight, however, the young man dropped his hand back to his side and turned round, gazing up at the sky and ignoring the feeling of metal pressed against his back.
Gwen came outside a moment later and looked out at the water in front of her. “It really gets to you, doesn’t it?” she mused. “Doing this job, I mean.”
“Yep,” answered Nick with a small and rather ironic laugh. “It really does.”
Gwen smiled. “You’re doing the right thing, Nick,” she said. “Whether or not Estelle and Trevyn are living with you, just by doing what you do, you are protecting them.”
“I know. It’s just hard, knowing that they might never know their father properly if I die young. But I said I would give my last breath to protect them and I will stand by that.”
“I know you will…because you’re a good father to them, even if they’re not with you.”
Nick turned and looked at her sharply for a minute before he spoke. “I just wish I didn’t have to lie to Catrin about what I did,” he murmured. “I mean, I know she wouldn’t believe me, but it doesn’t make things easier, that’s for sure.” He smiled a little bitterly. “It must be easier being able to tell Rhys the truth now.”
Gwen looked thoughtful. “Well, in some ways, it is, but in other ways it isn’t,” she admitted. “I mean, it’s nice not having to lie all the time and it’s nice having someone to talk to after a hard day. But on the other hand, I hate the thought that he knows how dangerous this job, because sometimes I can just see him wanting to protect me from it and it breaks my heart a little knowing that he can’t…and knowing that I’ll die young and probably leave him alone.”
Nick nodded. “Yeah, I understand that. At Alison’s memorial recently, I wanted to tell her family what really happened to her, but I knew that I couldn’t because they’d never believe me.” He gave another dry laugh, but then caught Gwen’s confused look. “What is it?”
Gwen blushed. “I’m sorry, but…I thought Alison…you know, passed away. I mean, one day, you were so convinced that she was alive and then -”
“Then I seemed to have given up?” Nick nodded. “That’s because I found her. She’s…still alive, but…she’s not here.” Quickly, he turned back, his eyes drifting across the water.
Gwen’s eyes widened as the meaning behind that look hit her. “Nick, I’m sorry,” she gasped. “I didn’t realise…”
“Doesn’t matter,” Nick said quietly. “She was…well, she was gone a long time ago. It wasn’t until John took me there that I realised it.”
“John took you there?”
“Yes…because I asked him to!” he said hastily, seeing the shocked look in his colleague’s eyes. “I knew that he knew what had happened to her and I asked him to take me there - no, I more or less demanded that he did. He gave me the chances to back out, but I insisted. I had to know.”
“And do you feel better for knowing?” Gwen asked, but when Nick didn’t reply, except for a shrug, she nodded. “You do, but then again you don’t, right?”
“Something like that,” answered Nick, wearily. “Can we talk about something else now?”
Gwen nodded. “Sure. Hey, d’you fancy going to grab some lunch? We’ve not really gotten to know each other very well yet, which is a bit silly considering we’ll be working together.” She held out her hand. “It’s my treat.”
Nick laughed gently and accepted her hand. “That would be lovely. I know just the place.”
***
Next Time: John and Nick mix business and pleasure, with good results…until unforeseen circumstances see John’s past suddenly coming back to haunt him.